Dear Therapist: I’m Worried the College-Admissions Process Is Rigged Against My Son

[conuly]

He has grades and test scores that I think should qualify him for the Ivy League—but he’s also white and upper-middle-class.

Dear Therapist,

My son is in the middle of the college-application process. He has very good grades and very good SAT and ACT scores; he is an Eagle Scout and a captain of the cross-country team. He is also white, male, and upper-middle-class—and that is the problem.

According to all of the statistics and reports, he should be accepted at Ivy League schools, but he has not been. He will eventually get into a “good” school, but it is my guess (based on what we are seeing with his peer group) that he will be overqualified for the school he ends up at.

He is very frustrated and very upset. How do you explain to a bright, eager boy that the system is rigged against him? For example, his twin brother, who has similar grades and an almost identical résumé, is going to the U.S. Naval Academy, and his application process, though difficult, was smooth and straightforward.

Lisa
Mendham, NJ

Dear Lisa,

The college-admissions process has become so brutally intense in recent years that it can make anyone lose perspective, and I think that’s what’s happened here. Of course, you’re not the only parent who sees her hardworking and accomplished child do everything “right,” imagines him or her thriving at a particular school, and is frustrated when the child does not gain admission. But if you don’t step back and look at the bigger picture, you’ll be depriving your son of an education that will be far more valuable to him in the long run. So let’s back up.

From the moment kids are born, they take their cues from the adults around them about how to respond to experiences in the world. For instance, when a toddler stumbles in the sandbox, the first thing she does is look at her parent for a signal. If the parent calmly says, “Whoops, you fell down,” and then smiles reassuringly, the child will likely get the message that the fall was no big deal and get right back up. But if the adult looks alarmed, yells, “Oh, no! Are you okay?,” and rushes over to check for injuries, the child may in turn become alarmed: Wait, am I okay? I thought I was okay, but maybe I’m not!

Later, if the child doesn’t get the lead in the school play—despite how talented this child may be—she’ll also take her cue about what this means from the adults around her. If her parents say, “That’s so unfair! Jane only got the part because the drama teacher is friends with her mom,” or “Jane’s parents are on the board,” the girl might think, Yeah, this is so unfair. Jane’s not nearly as talented as I am. The world is rigged. Why even try?

If, on the other hand, the parents say, “We know you really wanted the lead and we hear how disappointed you are. You worked so hard preparing for the audition. Maybe you’ll get the lead the next time around, but meanwhile, the part you did get will be fun, too,” their daughter may still be disappointed, but she’ll be learning about resilience. She’ll take in the message that sometimes we don’t get what we want, even when we’re qualified to have it. She’ll learn that sometimes we might be really good at something, but someone else is even better. She’ll learn that there’s not just one thing that can be enjoyable or fulfilling, but many things—like acting in a play she loves, even if she’s not the lead this time around. She’ll learn that the world is not an all-or-nothing place, where you either succeed or fail. She’ll learn that if she really wants something badly enough, she can try again another time and figure out what would increase her chances. She’ll learn that even if Jane got the role mostly because of her talent but partly because the teacher (consciously or not) favored her, there will come a time when she, too, will get something—an award, a job—not only because of her talent, but also because of, say, the boss’s strong relationship with the colleague who referred her, or the fact that they both grew up in the same town, and an equally qualified candidate will be rejected.

The kid who learns these lessons early on will probably still be upset if despite her stellar application, she doesn’t get admitted to her top-choice school. But she won’t walk through the world feeling as though there’s a conspiracy going on, nor will she walk onto campus the first day of freshman year believing that she won’t be challenged and that her peers are either similarly overqualified or simply beneath her. And if she does find that she’s not getting what she wants at her very good but not Ivy League school, she will know she can talk to an adviser to see what opportunities might be available that she’s not yet aware of, or even apply to transfer elsewhere. Either way, she won’t spend her senior year of high school anticipating how unfulfilling her college experience will be, thereby creating a very unfortunate self-fulfilling prophecy.

So how do you explain to your son that the system is rigged against him? You say, “Son, the world is an unfair place and the system is rigged against you.” And then you watch him grow into an angry, unfulfilled adult with a chip on his shoulder who will probably have grossly misguided ideas about women and people of color and his own value and worth and abilities. But if you’d like a better future for him, let me suggest the following.

Start by getting more accurate information, such as the fact that it’s extremely challenging to get into an elite college, and that the vast majority of applicants to these colleges have very high test scores, along with a stunning array of extracurricular activities and prestigious awards or honors. Dig deeper than anecdotal information and you’ll discover that there isn’t a reliable statistic or report out there that says that an applicant with very good grades and very good SAT and ACT scores who is also an Eagle Scout and a captain of the cross-country team “should” be admitted to a particular Ivy League school—regardless of gender, race, or ethnicity. Ask professionals in the admissions field, such as an experienced college-guidance counselor, whether a student with your son’s résumé who happens to be a woman of color might still be rejected from the school of her choice. You may be surprised by the answer.

Having this information might help you separate the reality from the reaction you’re having, and this in turn will help you talk to your son in a more productive way about what is, for most families applying to top-tier schools, a grueling and anxiety-provoking process. Remember, he’s taking his cues from you, so if you can view this from a more balanced perspective, so will he. Instead of coming from a place of outrage on his behalf, approach him from a place of curiosity and ask, “How are you doing with this college-application process?” Then listen to what his frustration is about. Is he getting the message (from you? his school? his friends?) that the name of his college defines his worth or is a statement about his intelligence? Does he believe that going to an Ivy League college leads to a better job or a better life or some kind of happiness he won’t find at another very good school?

Help to disabuse him of these faulty notions and explain to him that college is about the right fit, not the most prestigious name, and that no matter where he goes—including an Ivy League school—there will be students just like him, as well as students who are both more and less accomplished on paper, because colleges try to put together a group of outstanding people who will mesh well. Tell him that you have every confidence that he will choose, and be accepted into, a school where he meshes well and maybe even makes the friends he’ll have for the rest of his life.

In other words, how you handle the application process sets the tone for how your son will respond to it. It’s true that sometimes there isn’t enough to go around—there are only so many leads in the school production, so many spots at a given college, and so many openings for a job someone really wants. At the same time, parents have the potential to turn a situation that their kids would otherwise handle just fine into one that’s miserable. At that point, it’s the parent creating the child’s misery, not the situation. The messages parents send their kids have the potential to either prepare them for adulthood or hold them back much more than not being at an Ivy League school would ever do. You have a great opportunity right now to teach your son well.

Comments

[conuly]

For the record, I feel about the Ivy Leagues as I do about the specialized science high schools in NYC, but even more strongly: Academically speaking, they're overrated. With as many admits due to "legacy" or outright bribery as they have, how could they *not* be? The SHSAT, for all its flaws, at least isn't biased in that particular way. So yeah, Lisa, your son will be plenty "challenged" at one of those "lesser" schools that you disdain.

Also, read what's left out: He has good grades, but no mention of APs. He's captain of the cross-country team and an Eagle Scout, but no mention of any other extracurriculars - he hasn't also spent three years laboring as second violin, or two years on the debate team, that sort of thing. He has good scores on the SATs and the ACTs, but evidently not perfect ones. He has good grades, but there's no suggestion that he's the probable valedictorian. In short, he's a good candidate but hardly a superb one, whatever she thinks. But if she donates a new building, maybe they'll let him in anyway! One can only hope.

[minoanmiss]

As someone who nearly went to a NYC science school and did go to an IVY, I agree with you 100%.

I ... am not even going to address the letter.

[sathari]

Yeah--- no self-started unique community service project(s) or other self-directed projects outside of what's required for Scouting? No wins in big-name (or esoteric and specialized) academic competitions? As you mentioned, no AP, or dual-enrollment or similar? And likewise no academic/musical extracurriculars? This kid is only a big fish in smaller ponds, like the ones where he's getting accepted. And, also also as you say, the Ivies are notorious for the whole "the hardest part is getting in" thing, so maybe kiddo will be better off--- not to mention maybe even broadening his horizons and trying some other activities--- at a less "brand-focused" school.

And that is WITHOUT talking about the seriously screwy entitlement here. The columnist did a fantastic job on that score, though, I thought.

[sciatrix]

As someone who attended a public college and then went to grad school with people who had gone to Ivies, and who worked at a public college and had friends go to Ivies for grad school...

JESUS YES THIS. My kids get so much less in the way of grade inflation! They get to use more AP credit and can graduate faster! Frankly, if I had a kid tomorrow and had to pick where they went, I'd send them to a public state school without batting an eye. The education there is as fine as you'll get anywhere else.

(Also, like, I did have perfect SATs--well, almost--and ten AP courses and I was not a candidate for those schools without more well-rounded extracurriculars. It's fine. I went to a state school against my parents' encouragement and graduated without debt thanks to state-funded HOPE scholarships. It's not exactly the end of the fuckin' world.)

[tielan]

Observe, in her natural habitat, the mother of the mediocre white male, carefully nurturing his entitlement...

(Also: your college admissions process sounds kind of nuts, based on the comments. Like, utterly ridiculous.)

[rosefox]

It isn't necessarily—mine for NYU consisted of "here are my (good) SAT and (mediocre) AP scores" and a smarmy essay—but for the Ivy League schools, yeah, it's a bit ridiculous.

[rmc28]

Cambridge doesn't have "legacy" or donation admissions and yet a reliable media staple every summer is the story of the brilliant student with top A-level results who didn't get in. The fact that it has somewhere between 5 & 6 applicants per place and pretty much ALL of them have excellent results is overlooked.

(I do think there is an issue with unconscious bias in the interviewing, and problems with the unequal distribution of good teaching and good school advice in the country, and there's a shockingly low number of black students in particular. But I have worked with admissions staff for 15+ years, and I don't think they are ignoring the problem.)

For me, getting in was not the hard part. I don't think I've ever worked so hard as I did for those three years.

[conuly]

It depends on the school. I went to a CUNY school (a well-regarded one, relatively, but not an Ivy League school or anything similar!) Hah, lots of Stuy kids there, no matter what they told us about practically guaranteed admission to Harvard and Yale.

Anyway, CUNY schools give you a plenty good education, and nobody - at least, nobody in the city - scoffs at the name on the diploma, but there's no real hoop jumping.

[cereta]

It's really not that bad if you have realistic goals, and there are all kinds of alternate paths you can take, but when you get to some place like Princeton, yeah, it can get a bit boggling.

[ayebydan]

oh, you poor white rich souls.

[novel_machinist]

Do you think that she'll get it? Or do you think that she'll just be like "CEAR LIBERAL BIA-AAASSSS"?

[conuly]

This woman has her head so far up her butt she's not gonna get it unless all her friends get tired of her complaining and rip her a new one.

[watersword]

Oh look something I have actual professional knowledge about.

As someone who attended an Ivy and now works at one, collaborating with the admissions department: there are literally thousands of perfectly "qualified" candidates who get waitlisted or rejected every cycle. You could admit 100% different people from the pool several times over.

Cornell has the highest admit rate of the Ivies, and it's been around 14% for the past few years. Harvard is around 4%. There is no way you can look at "statistics and reports" and say "yeah, this kid is getting into an Ivy." Betting against the house in Vegas gets you worse odds, but not by much.

God, if I could get a penny for every "caption of the ---- team" and "Eagle Scout" and "perfect SAT score" etc etc on campus, I could fucking retire.

So her premise is flawed, and then we get to the truly gross classism and racism, and it's not even noon and I just want to lie down under my desk and whimper quietly. I don't know who this columnist is, but their answer is much nicer than mine would be, tbh.

[dragoness_e]

I got waitlisted for MIT, ended up doing half my CS degree at GaTech and the other half at another state university with a stretch as enlisted military in-between. Worked out fine, got a good solid basis in theory, and didn't have to deal with LISP (then fashionable at MIT) or refrain from punching Richard Stallman, since he wasn't in the same college as me. (Man had really good ideas, but could be somewhat obnoxious about expressing them). One of my professors did have an obsession with the Ada language, but I only had her for one class, thankfully. Though she was on my thesis committee.

[oursin]

Breaking news: Scheme helped wealthy Americans buy their children’s way into elite universities.

Also, for the past week I seem to have been seeing people snottily claiming to be alumni of elite institutions getting their heads handed to them on Twitter by actual historians, etc, based at institutions they claimed they had 'never heard of' but which do have solid reputatations, and faculty with non-risible publication records.

[cereta]

I just saw that headline, and I swear, my first thought was, "...well, duh."

ETA: And my second thought was Ben "What do you mean, she won't debate me?" Shapiro.

[lemonsharks]

Oh. My. Fuck.

[xenacryst]

This answer gloriously illustrates why I am not an advice columnist. In order to save my own sanity, my answer would have been the GIF of Michael Jackson eating popcorn in the Thriller vid. The answer is a lot better, though I despair of it being able to dig through the privileged earwax of the letter writer.

Also, for the record, there's nothing special about the Ivies other than the fact that they have a brand name and everybody wants to go there. If he's overqualified for literally every other college on the planet, then he's overqualified for the Ivies, too, and he might as well just hitch his ass to Elon Musk's obliviously entitled intellect and begin his one-way extrasolar journey.

I almost never use this icon

[cereta]

You know, I look out at my classroom of talented kids from working class families, of young women working two jobs to stay in school with no family support, of farm kids who just want an ag degree in the hopes of keeping the family farm going, of returning students trying to remember skills from the one semester of university they completed 10 years ago before dropping out to raise/support a family, of young Black men with so freakin' many odds stacked against them, and I seriously want to punch this letter-writer in the face.

Never mind the stupid number of misconceptions in this letter, which others here have addressed just fine. I want to tell her to go to the local community college and see how many students there are who had stellar grades and test scores, but no time for extracurriculars because they were up at 4AM working on the family farm or at the family business. Or kids who had everything her son had and more, but whose families can't even afford the local state university for four years, let alone an Ivy. Or hells, the students who didn't have awesome grades or tests scores, and are grinding their way up through developmental classes, hoping they don't use up all their financial aid on the way. And then I kind of want to punch her again.

Okay, that came out longer than I intended. Possibly I have Feelings about this.

Re: I almost never use this icon

[conuly]

To be fair, Harvard, at least, pays full fare for anybody with incomes under, like, 100k. If you get in, I mean.

[movingfinger]

"Very good" test scores and grades! Gosh, how very good he must be! Too bad there are thousands of "very good" students who don't get admitted to the Ivies every year.

It sounds like this family is fairly detached from reality, although the son going to Annapolis is leaving one set of insulating buffers for another. Maybe son #2 should set his sights on West Point, although "very good" is probably not enough for that either.

Speaking of "every conceivable advantage."

[havocthecat]

How about a multimillion dollar admissions cheating scandal by a bunch of already wealthy motherfuckers?

https://www.npr.org/2019/03/12/702539140/u-s-accuses-actresses-others-of-fraud-in-wide-college-admissions-scandal

Re: Speaking of "every conceivable advantage."

[conuly]

Why can't they just buy buildings like everybody else?

[sarahthecoat]

This is a really small piece of this whole discussion, but re the school play bit, the teacher who cast "jane" in the lead might have done so not based on "talent", but on knowing the class well enough to understand that "jane" NEEDS the experience of being the lead. A class play is a teaching tool, not a competition. For the same reason, "privileged white boy" might be cast in a supporting role in order to learn something about being an ensemble player.

[havocthecat]

I mean...maybe in some schools? But in my high school, there was never a female lead cast who was not already incredibly confident and talented (and plenty of girls who were relegated to two line supporting roles all four years), and we were so desperate for dudes that the male leads that not a single guy got turned away and almost all the boys in my high school theater department took a turn in a lead role in their four years.

I would have KILLED to have been in a school where the plays got cast based on people who needed experience and development rather than just "who's the best out of our limited high school pool and whose parents spent lots of money on private lessons for years before now?"

ETA: Okay, I will admit, this might have set my experience up for a whole love/hate relationship with the favoritism of the casting process, and also knowing that I'd be on the bottom of that for my whole life.

[dragoness_e]

...but it is my guess (based on what we are seeing with his peer group) that he will be overqualified for the school he ends up at

Um, someone's in for some major culture shock. Getting good grades in one high school year-class is the classic "big fish in a small pond" situation. Taking that same intellect and skill set to a "lesser" university--like a massive state university that has been around for 150 years and teaches everything imaginable--and he'll be a very small minnow in an ocean.

Whatever else he will be, he won't be "overqualified". Been there, done that, nearly drowned in the big college ocean after surfing through high school on my own "genius".

[cereta]

Yeah, when I applied to grad school the first time, I made the mistake of listening to people who told me how awesome I was. Didn't get accepted at a one, had to spend a year at an open admissions program working at a Big Boy. I eventually did get to the point where I had schools fighting over me, but it took a LOT of hard work and one or two knocks in the ego to get there, and once I got to those programs, yeah, it was right back to "everyone else is just as special."

[zesty_pinto]

Isn't this appropriate to see, given how it isn't even being white that was against her but that she didn't abuse a system that wealthy celebrities will push their kids into an education they could care less about?

By the way, this isn't just an American thing. I worked the system for Chinese kids in Boston, I'm aware this is just a thing the rich will do when they think they can get away with it, not unlike the many other things the rich can do like hide prostitution in massage parlors or push their earnings into tax free countries so they don't have to pay for the country's infrastructure.

[low_delta]

Who wrote that?