Miss Manners: I have nicer things than my friends. Is it rude to wear them?

[ermingarden]

Dear Miss Manners: I’ve known my current friends since college — over 25 years. These days, my income is much greater than theirs.

I bought a luxury watch, car and other expensive goods, but I never wear or use them when I’m with my friends, who do not have such things. I’d like to wear my watch, but don’t want to flaunt my income or be a jerk. What is the proper etiquette?

Neither flaunt nor patronize.

Miss Manners is pleased to see that you are in no danger of flaunting your expensive possessions. But hiding them suggests that you hold the questionable assumption that they would induce envy in your friends.

Perhaps your friends are pleased at your success, and are also satisfied with their own achievements. Perhaps they have no desire for conspicuously expensive watches, even if they could afford them, when they can see the time on their telephones. Perhaps they have so little interest in status symbols that they do not recognize yours.

In any case, it is patronizing to assume that your possessions cause them discomfort. The only reason Miss Manners can imagine to keep these items out of sight is that you attach so much importance to them that you can’t help swaggering a bit in their presence.

Comments

[ermingarden]

I like how neatly Miss Manners exposed the patronizing undercurrent here. Plenty of people simply could not care less. (Even if I had all the money in the world, I wouldn't spend it on an expensive designer watch!)

There's certainly a debate to be had about the point at which wearing or using luxury goods exceeds the bounds of good taste and becomes flaunting, but I don't think one needs to be more cautious about this with friends than one is with strangers.

[ethelmay]

Unless you are worried that your peasant friends will find out you are a rich lord/lady and expect you to treat them to champagne dinners regularly, oh the horror.

[xenacryst]

I'm wondering if LW is feeling a touch of guilt over their wealth and the way they've chosen to use it. If they're feeling like they might be judged, perhaps the judging is coming from inside.

[dine]

unless completely encrusted in diamonds or something, I probably couldn't even tell how expensive most clothes/watches were - and if I could, I'd likely not care. unless LW has also hidden every bit of info about hir source of wealth (big job/inheritance, whatever) they might have a clue there's an income discrepancy.

[torachan]

Right? And especially a watch. Expensive watches tend to look pretty much like any other watch. Chances are I wouldn't notice they were wearing a watch to begin with, much less know that it was super expensive.

[conuly]

Obviously the proper approach here is to donate all these expensive items and the high income, and start living like a hermit, only going out to help at the soup kitchen.

[minoanmiss]

Just wear your watch, LW, and don't go on about it.
Also donate some money to charity.

[castiron]

I'm someone who couldn't tell your luxury goods from the Target clearance rack. And even if I did, I'd probably figure that you'd saved up for a special splurge or had a relative who gave you an excellent present. As long as you're not calling attention to your luxury goods, go ahead and use them.

[frenzy]

Idk I might side eye someone wearing a Rolex casually but I imagine the watch would never be the issue. It’s just a symbol of severely hoarded wealth (ofc unless they got it second hand, passed down, got a good deal etc etc ).

[lilysea]

To be honest, unless there were other markers of wealth (expensive car, expensive house, works as a lawyer/surgeon/CEO) I would probably just assume that someone wearing a Rolex watch was wearing a *fake* Rolex.

[frenzy]

I absolutely think youre right. I didnt think about that. The issue isnt one item, its what the whole picture adds up to.

[ethelmay]

I just looked at some of the women's models, and at least one of them looks a whole lot like a Timex I used to have. I am nearly certain no one ever thought I was the Rolex type when I wore it. (Both those brand names are starting to look like prescription drug names now that I have stared at them a while. Did you remember to take your Timex? Did you give the dog his Rolex?)

[lethe1]

Personally, I think Rolexes are about the ugliest status symbols in existence (Louis Vuitton bags come second), and I would never for a moment be envious of them. At most, I would wonder why someone would want to spend serious $$$ on something so ugly.

[ysobel]

"Dear World,

How do I flaunt my nifty possessions while pretending to be humble?"