Miss Manners: My partner’s daughter took all the best Thanksgiving leftovers

[ermingarden]

(Not, strictly speaking, a follow-up to this letter, but certainly on the same theme.)

Dear Miss Manners: I spent two days cooking a flawless Thanksgiving dinner for immediate family (because of coronavirus restrictions). It was just us, my partner's daughter and her family (husband, toddler and mother-in-law). That's it.

The guests were assigned to either bring a pie and/or wine. That was their only contribution. After the meal was over, my partner's daughter got up from the table and opened a large backpack, which I had assumed was for the toddler's things.

Nope. It was full of food containers. She asked whether I wanted any leftovers, to which I said, "Yes, of course."

She then proceeded to take all the best cuts of the turkey, all the trimmings and side dishes, the stuffing that was in the bird (the best part) and even 90 percent of the leftover desserts: a pie she brought, a pecan pie I provided and a cake her mother-in-law made. She left us one piece of pecan and two small pieces of pumpkin.

I was so flabbergasted that I couldn't speak. I thought the Grinch Who Stole Christmas had arrived early. She just packed it all up and left.

I still cannot get over it. I am angry, resentful and more than annoyed. It is not that I wouldn't have offered her some leftovers. Of course I would have. But she just marched in as if they were hers.

Her father said nothing, and I know better than to broach the subject with him. Not wise.

Am I being too sensitive? I thought it was just about the rudest, most entitled and most disrespectful behavior I had ever witnessed, and I took it entirely personally, as an affront toward me and my position in the family. I am not her meal cooker or servant. I lost all respect for her. What would you suggest I do?

Serve plated food at Christmas, accepting no contributions from others.

Of course it was rude and crass, but so many people are doing this that you should not take it personally. Miss Manners has speculated on the possible reasons:

1. So many meals (not just holiday feasts) are now cooperative that those who bring food are sharing the duties of the host — and claiming the privileges.

2. The habit of eating in restaurants, where diners may take home the leftover food for which they have paid, has unfortunately been extended to private dinners.

3. Adult children may feel as if a parent’s home is still their own, which includes raiding the refrigerator.

4. Rampant greed is everywhere, and people are grabbing whatever they can get away with taking.

Comments

[cimorene]

Well, one feels for anyone who is too flabbergasted to speak up and prevent someone being rude in general, or stealing their food in particular.

But on the other hand, the real answer to the first half of this letter starts with talking to your partner, so once again we have a case of buried lede. Anytime at all a letter contains "I know better than to broach the subject [that has had me upset for days, so much so that I wrote to an advice columnist] with [my partner]. Not wise" is actually about a dysfunctional partner relationship. That's her real problem.

[ashbet]

^^^This.

[cereta]

In general, I agree. However, having been in a relationship where some topics just aren't worth that hassle, I understand the tendency to focus on the other part, although in the end, the only real answer is "either learn to live with it or don't host, or if you do host, get a family meal from Bob Evans (which, actually, don't suck)." The wording by LW is a little more...ominous, but it could just mean, "It will lead to eyerolling and huffing if I push it, and I don't want to deal with that any more than partner wants to deal with their daughter."

I should note: when I say "not worth the hassle," I'm not accepting shitty behavior. I'm accepting that my partner is a human being who has just as many issues, hang-ups, and do-not-engage zones as I apparently do to be so upset about leftovers that I write to an advice columnist about it (which, I should add, I still sometimes get annoyed about petty shit that happened in grade school enough to bring it up in therapy, so no stones). Maybe the partner has a tricky relationship with their daughter. Maybe they just suck at conflict. Maybe they're like my mom, whose response would be to tell me not to let it "get to" me, and who 52 years of me protesting that response has not changed, which is something I have to try to accept if I want her in my life.

I'm just saying: that might not be a problem that can be fixed easily or at all, and that might be one of the countless compromises involved in a long-term relationship with another person.

[cimorene]

Fair. That possibility does exist too, although it's not the impression I got from the letter. If that's the case, she's probably doomed to just accepting it though, since it sounds like she has also completely discarded the possiblity of talking to her partner's daughter herself...

[cereta]

I mean, it is certainly, certainly possible that this is a big old red flag on top of a deeper issue with communication. I would absolutely not rule that out, and true: the wording makes me uncomfortable. I just don't think every instance of "bringing this up with my partner would probably not get me what I want and/or would be more hassle than it's worth" is necessarily either a giant issue or a solvable problem. People are complicated, and sometimes you have to accept things if you want to continue pretty much any kind of relationship.

Or not! Everyone has different lines. I just sometimes get a little squirmy, because God knows there are things in my marriage that an outsider reading a couple of paragraphs would be flailing and wtf-ing at me over, and that includes things that I just don't bother bringing up with him because I know he has his own big, bright red button screaming "do not press" on top of them. I know I have them, too. So, yeah.

[minoanmiss]

My icon brings you the star you deserve for this truth.

(That came out more overblown and less amusingly highfalutin so I thought I would add a "no sarcasm, I mean it" note.)

[conuly]

Yup.

[lemonsharks]

"you have a partner problem not an x problem"

[movingfinger]

Always pack those takeaway leftovers for your guests yourself, lady!

[cereta]

Now that is a practical solution. Hell, for once, use the disposable containers so there's no, "Oh, let me use mine; we'll never get them back to you!"

[lemonsharks]

Yep! A pack of 50 1lb foil takeaway containers from Amazon was $12 last time I bought them, and they're great for a myriad of reasons. Not the least of which that they aren't even "the good Tupperware"

[cereta]

A couple of years for my annual birthday chili party (see icon), we have gotten/collected disposable containers for the chili and mason jars for the rum punch so we wouldn't have so many leftovers. It works very well.

[conuly]

That too.

[shirou]

I cannot comment on the practice of taking home leftovers from someone else's house. The concept is foreign to me and frankly seems outrageous, but that doesn't mean it isn't acceptable in some contexts.

However, this letter isn't really about leftovers. It's about communication. LW, you can talk to your partner, you can talk to his daughter, or you can remain silent, angry, and resentful. Up to you.

[conuly]

In my experience, the standard serving size at Thanksgiving is "cook for an army", and that's if nobody brings anything.

People fall all over themselves to make you a plate, make your bedridden neighbor a plate, make your neighbor's cousin's doctor a plate - just to get rid of all the food! Plate out a meal, cover with foil, repeat until all food has been divvied up to be taken home and stored in somebody else's fridge, and, ultimately, belly.

[likeaduck]

IIRC Miss Manners's Guide to Excruciatingly Correct Behavior prohibits setting a filled plate before a guest, so that can't be what's meant by "serve plated food": rather I must assume that she means to arrange the portion of food estimated to be needed on platters to be served around the table, and keep whatever's presumed to be left-over back out of the view of guests until and unless needed.

[minoanmiss]

That was what I thought, too.

[naath]

It's not... a thing I'd do, although I have had leftovers forced on me more than once. I'd read that as her (and the *child*) being hungry, so hungry she is prepared to be rude. Make huge meals, press leftover on her, buy her grocery vouchers.

[lemonsharks]

I got the same vibes which leads me to judge the letter Missing Missing Reasons.

[tielan]

As someone whose family does leftovers (and how!), when leftovers loom the presumed ettiquette is to ask how much you can take (ie. how much does the host want to keep). If it's the best bits that they want to keep, well, that's sad but you're a guest. So taking the best bits? Uh. No.

That said, I agree with everyone saying there's a communication problem between LW and partner and stepdaughter.