Dear Miss Manners: When you treat someone to a cup of coffee

[lilysea]

Dear Miss Manners: When you treat someone to a cup of coffee at an expensive coffee shop, should they choose a smaller size?

Answer: Ah, but which is the smaller size? In today’s cutesy coffee shops, it is unlikely to be called “piccolo.’’
“Order from the middle of the menu,’’ nice ladies were taught, back when gentlemen always paid the bills. But Miss Manners realizes that this would be challenging in a shop that uses pseudo-Italian nomenclature, or where “jumbo’’ might be the most modest choice.

She suggests that a frugal host order preemptively by saying, “We’ll have two mezzos’’ (or whatever they are called), and then graciously inquiring of the guest, “How do you take yours?’’

Comments

[lunabee34]

Is the price difference between the sizes so great as to worry about this?

If you are on a budget, then say as the response suggests, can I get you a venti or whatever. Otherwise, who cares?

The LW is making me flash back to my childhood where the cheapest option was the only thing we could ever order on rare trips to restaurants.

[kutsuwamushi]

Honestly, if I was broke enough that I'd be willing to treat someone to a tall but not to a venti, I don't think I'd be treating someone at all. That's kind of like.... "I am concerned about whether I can afford tonight's beans and rice" territory.

[lunabee34]

Yep. That's exactly my feelings.

[jadelennox]

or I would say "hey, do you want to come over for coffee?" or "hey, do you want to meet at the coffee shop? we can get ourselves coffees!"

[cereta]

Heh. There was a post about only getting the cheapest options when someone treats you to dinner, too.

[lunabee34]

LOL

I have such personal hang ups about that topic because my family took thriftiness to a pathological level and used it as a weapon to bludgeon other people. It was a moral judgement they were making, not an economic one. Fortunately, they have gotten muuuuuuch better about this issue over time.

[misbegotten]

Miss Manners, what if they want tea? Or a mocha? Dictating what someone should order when you're buying is kind of odd to me. If it matters that much, don't offer to treat.

[zulu]

If someone offers to treat for coffee, I assume they mean it, and get what I'd usually get. But I forego the muffin or whatever. Meanwhile, if I'm treating, the same goes for them--I expect them to get what they want, but not order a three-course meal while they're at it, you know?

Meanwhile, if it's a friend and we do this often, I follow their lead the next time.

Mind you, I don't know how people would intuit that set of rules. But it's like they say, "when you're lending money, consider it a gift." You offered, they accepted, it's a gift, go with the flow. Then tailor future treating opportunities accordingly.

[naath]

>follow their lead
which makes me feel bad because I genuine only like coffee or tea unadulterated, and most people prefer some kind of milk, and if I treat you I certainly expect to be paying more for your coffee than mine, if I didn't want to I wouldn't offer.

[zulu]

Oh, I meant follow their lead in terms of size/price, not add-ins. Milk & sugar are usually on the side board, around here.

[kutsuwamushi]

I don't think this is very good advice.

(a) If someone is treating you, it's polite not to order the expensive item, but it's also polite for the host to be willing to pay for it. I'd probably be a little "huh" if someone decided what size I wanted. And what if I actually wanted a smaller coffee?

(b) No one actually has trouble ordering a small coffee unless they're being obtuse and cranky about "cutesy" coffeeshop names. Coffee shops almost always list their prices on their menu. You might not know what a "tall" is or how many ounces it is, but you know that it's the smallest and cheapest.

(c) At a coffeeshop the question is less important than at a restaurant because at a coffeeshop the differences in prices is generally smaller. If someone decides to order a large, ... it might be a couple dollars more? I'm a graduate student, but I think I can swing this.

(d) The extra cost is often not because of the size but because of additions like syrup and whipped cream, so you don't even avoid the problem anyway.

[cereta]

Yyyyyeah, not so much. "How do you take yours?" is not really a helpful phrasing, because if you're just ordering coffee, you're just as likely to be handed a cup and pointed to the self-serve area. As misbegotten says, this is not helpful if what I want is a white chocolate mocha or pumpkin spice latte (mmmmmmnnnn, pumpkin spice latte). I really think this is one of those, "if you cannot afford someone's $6 venti half-caff vanilla coconut latte (which actually sounds kind of yummy, so I'm not mocking if that's your drink of choice), don't offer to treat them at a place that serves it."

[commodorified]

I have to honestly say I have some sympathy for the letter writer in that the difference between a coffee, size medium, and the floofiest available drink at my local, size xl, is actually about five bucks.

So since I justify my coffeeshop habit by sticking to coffee mostly, if you're a floof addict I am less likely to do the "my round this time" thing often, yes.

But if I offered, I suck it up and pay graciously.

[lilysea]

I think if you offer to pay for someone's coffee, they should feel free to order any coffee on the menu with the exception of

a) that really expensive Kopi Luwak (or Civet Coffee)

b) coffee that features gold leaf

c) coffee with an expensive shot of alcohol in it.

If the person treating isn't ok with paying for whichever size or flavour of coffee the other person wants, they should have

1) not offered to treat; or

2) chosen a cheaper coffee shop to treat in.

[redbird]

In terms of price, that's missing the point that an extra-large drip coffee or cup of tea might cost significantly less than small or medium of one of those complicated milk-and-coffee drinks. And even if someone is treating me, I might want a smaller drink than they're offering.

Cutesy names aside, I've taken to asking for a twelve, eight, or sixteen ounce cup of whatever, because even the simple English names aren't standardized. If I ask for a "small" or "regular" at Tea Luxe, they give me sixteen ounces; half a mile away, at Darwin's, "small" still means eight ounces, and sixteen ounces is a large.

[shirou]

An offer to buy someone a drink, but not necessarily the drink they want, is not much of an offer.

[tielan]

This.