Ask a Manager: Dealing With a Problematic Member of a Board Games Group

[minoanmiss]

Here’s an example of how clear, direct communication can solve problems in all areas of life, not just work.

A reader writes:


I wanted to write and say thank you.

I am part of a local board games group, and started to run the group a while ago. It’s a great group of people who all enjoy coming together to play board games and have fun, and it was one of the key factors in making my husband and I feel at home in the city where we live. We have both made friends with people in the group, and it’s now a firm part of our life here. In addition, a regular member who left recently said that the group was the highlight of his week, which was lovely to hear. I love running the group!


However, there is a member of the group, Q, who has been in the group since it started (seven years or more) and has been displaying problematic behavior since he joined (rude comments, refusing to play anyone else’s games, losing his temper at times, leaving games in a huff when he’s losing, and generally making the atmosphere unpleasant for others). When we joined, we were told that Q bothered everyone but was just something that was being in the group, so we went along with that. At the time, the group was very serious and inclined towards more serious board games, and only three people ever brought games. There has been a real change of culture since then, with a range of games being played (light games, traditional games, and heavy games) and everyone brings games now. The atmosphere is a lot lighter, with more emphasis on having fun and being social, and this is something that Q does not enjoy and has not adjusted well to.

When I started to run the group, I noticed Q’s behavior was having a terrible effect on the group (people not coming back because of him or doing anything to avoid playing with him, and his preference for playing games in reverential silence making sessions less fun for everyone). I also realized that some people were at breaking point with this and it might contribute to them leaving.

The deputy (Kelly) and I wanted to ensure that we did it fairly and using the right procedure. We gathered feedback on the group, (which was useful in itself!), which confirmed that Q’s behavior was an issue, and I spoke to him, named what we were seeing with clear examples, and explained what we needed to see change. Q said he would take it on board. Your scripts and language were very helpful, as Q takes things very literally and factually.

Q’s behavior improved for four weeks, which was great. Some people have put up with it for so long that no amount of change will make them want to play games with Q, but some people were willing to give Q a chance. Unfortunately, Q’s behavior started to slip after four weeks, culminating in a session where they almost put a new member off coming back by lecturing them about group etiquette and insulting their game shelves with what was meant to be a joke, but did not land.

I spoke to Q again and explained that since the behavior we discussed had returned, if this did not improve, we would have to ask Q to leave as the group is for everyone and I need to do what’s right for the group as a whole.

Q took the points on board and was visibly upset at the thought of being asked to leave the group. Since we spoke to them, they haven’t attended of the two sessions since then, but they are still chatting on our Discord channel and seem to be trying to make amends by promoting the group to a students’ group in the city we live in.

We don’t know what will happen, but Kelly and I have agreed what behaviors will mean Q will be asked to leave, and your scripts and posts were invaluable in thinking about how to tackle this, and what language to use. Your posts have helped me realize that being the group leader means that the buck stops with me. For example, my husband and I disagreed on how to handle the situation (he was in favor of asking Q to leave immediately) but I had the confidence to think it through, follow the process through fairly, and know that if it didn’t work, that responsibility would rest with me.

This isn’t related to work per se, but I wanted to say thank you very much for the invaluable and free advice which has really helped me in navigating this situation!