Ask Natalie

[cereta]

DEAR NATALIE: I've noticed that when I buy something at any store, the cashier rarely says "thank you" after handing me my change and my bag. I find myself saying "thank you" to them. But, shouldn't they be thanking me? I have stopped saying it, and I wait for them to and they rarely do. What do you think? It seems as if no one is friendly anymore. Is it worth mentioning to the manager? -- Thanks for Nothing

DEAR THANKS FOR NOTHING: A world without "please" and "thank you" does not sound like a nice world to live in. And yet, I notice that people say those words less and less. It's a shame. You know what else is a shame? When you let someone cut in during the rush hour traffic or let them make a turn at the light ahead of you and they don't so much as nod in your direction. Socially, we are distracted and isolated from each other. We are too busy looking at our phones for people who aren't in front of us and fail to put any time and energy into those we encounter face to face every day. If it makes you feel better, mention it to the manager and continue to be friendly. Don't let others stop you from being the polite person you are.

Comments

[cereta]

You know, I generally dislike the whole "first world problems" meme, because just because they're problems that exist in relative privilege doesn't mean they aren't problems.

But this? Good God, LW: perspective. I know we all have our quirks, but if this is what gets you worked up enough to write to an advice column, you need a healthy dose of perspective. Maybe working as a cashier for a week or two would get you some.

[lilysea]

There are very few reasons to complain about a cashier. This is NOT one of them.

I've only ever felt the need to complain about a cashier once: when she threw my groceries down onto the counter from a height, breaking them, and then dropped my credit card onto the floor, and rather than picking it up with her hands, dragged it across the floor with her foot so that the magnetic strip got scratched. That is when you complain, not when the cashier forgets to say "have a nice day"!

[cereta]

Seriously. The only time I complained about a cashier was a Borders cashier who was, well, frankly, a creep. He was always giving compliments that were just this side of inappropriate, and one time, he grabbed my hands as I was paying. That's a problem. Not insufficient gratitude for having been allowed to serve you.

[moem]

Okay, going to swim against the stream here: I would not make a complaint with a manager, but I can see where the LW is coming from. A bit of mutual politeless makes shopping a much more pleasant (or sometimes bearable) experience and it doesn't cost extra. I think that both customers and cashiers should strive for that.

Then again, as the LW has found, stopping unilaterally doesn't help and makes you part of the problem, so in their shoes, I'd just keep on keepin' on, and try not to notice if you don't get the same back. Retail is tough and it never hurts to cut people some slack.

[eleanorjane]

I absolutely agree, but the LW's complaint sounds a lot less like it's about one specific cashier and more Oh No, The World These Days... (possibly with a side order of Kids These Days, since cashiers trend young.)

[moem]

Well, I can kinda sympathise with that, too... I must be getting old.

[minoanmiss]

“The children now love luxury. They have bad manners, contempt for authority; they show disrespect for elders and love chatter in place of exercise.”

― Socrates

[shirou]

I agree that life is more pleasant when people say please and thank you, but I can't imagine complaining to a manager because a cashier fails to do so. Good grief!

I don't understand the LW's assertion that the cashier should be thanking them instead of the other way around. The cashier could thank the LW for patronizing their store, but the LW could also thank the cashier for assisting them. Yes, the cashier is doing their job, but one can (and should) still show appreciation.

[amireal]

Anyone else thinking LW might never have had CS job where you stand on your feet for 6 - 10 hours a day dealing with "The Public"?

[ayebydan]

They are the person giving something over. As a cashier I'd expect to receive the thank you first. Or I could just put your change on the counter and leave your bag sat there. If I receive a thank you I then offer a 'Welcome!/Have a nice day' ect. If I don't then a smile and nod as they leave is our standard. We offer a service but are not obliged to serve you. Respect is a two way street.

Also screw the mobile phone hate from Natalie. You are damn right I put more love into txting my best friends who live several hundred miles away than my interaction with someone at the same crossing as we wait for the green man. You have no idea what is on someone's screen.

[minoanmiss]

Oh yeah, complain to the manager, THAT WILL CERTAINLY CHEER THE CASHIER UP.

And I say this as someone in a front-facing reception job where I require myself to be as cheerful and friendly as possible. But I also know I'm human, and I don't manage it 100% of the time, and at least unlike a cashier I get to sit down.

[mommy]

I used to say "Have a good day!" at the end of a transaction when I was a cashier. Offering thanks makes little sense in a routine transaction to my way of thinking, but there's always room for well-wishes.

I'll never understand the view that people are "distracted and isolated" just because we can choose to find and interact with people online who share our interests more easily than we could back when we were mostly limited to face to face communication. I'm certainly closer friends with people across the country than I am with my next door neighbor, and I don't see how this is a problem.

[xenacryst]

I find myself just generally confused here. I'll certainly buy that the world these days ain't what it used to be in terms of mutual kindness and respect (ok, maybe I'll buy, that, but maybe I won't, because I'm not out shopping for that). But more often than not I do get a pleasantry at the end of a transaction - whether it's a thank you or have a nice day, or thanks for shopping here, or (last week) stay dry... I don't think it's my pretty face that draws this out, nor my sweet and powdery demeanor. And it's not just from places that I've shopped at every week for the past ten years (those places skip the pleasantries and go straight to gifting me treats for my daughter). Is this a regional thing?

[mommy]

I find that cashiers do typically say something, but it's not always the same thing every time. Given how many times per day your typical cashier completes a transaction, it's not surprising that they add some variety.

[kiezh]

I find this kind of complaint deeply ironic and indicating a severe lack of self-knowledge.

People like LW are either not able or not willing to exercise empathy and compassion for the people in front of them (like, say, cashiers who are probably tired and worn down from dealing with the unfiltered public), but complain loudly about how no one is friendly or emotionally present to them. Maybe because you're jerks who want everyone else to do the work of friendliness, but you don't want to give anyone else the benefit of the doubt and you assume everything they do is a slight against you? They have a whole world in their head that is Not About You. Deal with it.

The answer is disgusting. "Don't let others stop you from being the polite person you are"?! This is not a polite person, and what they want is not politeness, but to be catered to and treated like the center of the universe. Also, online social interactions are real, and yes, they count. It's not Natalie's right to pass judgment on where someone else's emotional energy goes. (Especially since she's clearly uninterested in being honestly friendly, which would involve caring about and valuing someone else's experiences, rather than sneering at their priorities.)

Yeah, that touched a nerve. Not so much for the cashier thing (although I am full of sympathy for the cashiers LW encounters), but the up-on-a-high-horse condemnation of basically everyone else under the banner of "friendliness" and "courtesy". THAT IS NOT WHAT THOSE WORDS MEAN.

[kindkit]

I notice the LW says, "after handing me my change and my bag." Which implies to me that the LW is making the cashier bag all their groceries and then they're not even picking up the bag themselves, but making the cashier lift and hand over a probably heavy bag.

It's possible that the LW isn't able to bag their own groceries for whatever reason. But given their general attitude, I picture them standing there like a lump while the cashier struggles to ring them up and bag at the same time, making the cashier's job more difficult, increasing the cashier's risk of repetitive stress injuries, and slowing down the queue for everyone else.

Anyone who's worked in customer service has encountered people who think "your job is to help me" means, "you are my personal servant, so grovel, worm, and be grateful!" And while I try to be super polite and friendly to all customers, it's very very hard to thank people who act like I suspect the LW does.

(Also, I note that the LW doesn't actually say that cashiers are being rude, just that they're not saying "Thank you" specifically. Maybe they're saying "Have a nice day" or something instead, but LW is the kind of person who insists on being thanked.)

[firecat]

Better answer:

Socially, we are distracted and isolated from each other to such an extent that we can't put ourselves in the shoes of someone who is dealing with customers all day and realize that there might be good reasons they are not be up to performing the additional, emotional labor of smiling and saying thank you right now. We are too busy looking at our phones to think about how awful it is receiving a lecture from the manager about how doing the job you're paid for isn't good enough and you have to act grateful to every face you encounter all day long.

[minoanmiss]

Well said!