Dear Annie: Another Thank You Note Letter

[cereta]

Dear Annie: Recently, I attended the funeral of a lady at my church, whom I didn't know very well; but when I read her obituary in the newspaper and found that she had sung in the choir in her younger days, I made a donation to the church's choir fund. Afterwards I received a thank-you note from her daughter and her husband (who only signed the card from "Bob" and "Cindy," even though I don't know them), saying, "Thank you for the memorial gift". It would have been much nicer if she had said something like, "Thank you for the memorial gift to the church's choir fund in my mother's memory." The same kind of thing applies to bridal couples who send out thank-yous for wedding presents. I hope that you will share this advice with the rest of your readers. -- Memorial Gift Forgotten

Dear Memorial Gift Forgotten: I've received and printed many letters about thank-you notes, and I thought I was done with the subject for a while. But I wanted to address this one, because it's a special case. Yes, thank-yous for wedding gifts are a must, but memorial gifts are different. This is one situation in which it's completely understandable for someone not to send a thank-you.

Memorial gifts are meant not only to commemorate the dead but also to comfort the grieving. If the bereaved forget to thank you for the comfort you've offered, or if they thank you in the "wrong" way, forgive them. Grief has a way of being distracting. Your gesture was kind. Don't tarnish it with unmet expectations.

Comments

[minoanmiss]

JFHC.

[cereta]

Pretty much my thoughts, except I thing I might have gone with JHFC.

[minoanmiss]

BWEE, yeah, that's probably the more appropriate adjectival order.

[delight]

So once upon a time my father died. Young. Still working until the day he entered hospice.

We collected donations for a memorial bench at his favorite park and all of his coworkers donated enough that we didn't have to pay for any of it. Every cent was from donations.

The only way we issued a thank you was through the YouCaring message function, to the entire group.

If anyone had expected more than that from a tiny grieving family, uh, screw them, it wasn't going to happen.

[cereta]

Seriously: I'm trying to imagine someone getting in a huff because my mom didn't thank them properly when my dad died and left her with four young children.

[ayebydan]

Is this an American thing? Because I have never heard of thank you notes in regards to funerals of all things. Often a charity or hospice ect will be chosen and a collation taken. Cause it is a nice thing to do. You don't get a pat on the back card for it.

[cereta]

If it is, I've never heard of it.

[lunabee34]

It is definitely a thing in the American South to send thank yous for memorial gifts and even condolence cards. But I don't know anyone who would have batted an eye at the thank you the LW describes. LW is being really off base.

[ayebydan]

Interesting. Thanks for info.

[greenygal]

This is clearly some new definition of "forgotten" that I'm unaware of.

[cereta]

Indeed.