Ask Amy: My Daughters Have a Sister and Don't Know It

[cereta]

Dear Amy: I have two daughters in their 20s. When I was going through the divorce with their father a decade ago, I received legal papers from another woman who was suing him for child support. Apparently, he'd had a child with her.

I don't know if my ex-husband is aware that I know this.

We have both since moved on, and are remarried to other people. My daughters don't know they have a sister. I always thought that when they were old enough, they should be told. I know they would be thrilled to know her. I don't, however, know how this other girl's mother feels about it.

I know my ex does not have a relationship with this child, who is probably a pre-teen now. I'm torn about disclosing this.

-- Torn

Dear Torn: Your daughters should be told that they have a sister. They should be told because it is true. This is not a dilemma where the knowledge of it will ruin people's lives; this is simply something that is true that they should know about.

You should start with your ex-husband. Tell him that this has been weighing heavily on you and that you feel strongly that your daughters should be told. Give him the opportunity to find a way to tell them. If he declines, then you should tell them yourself, answering as many questions as you can. The other child's mother will be in a position to either welcome or inhibit a relationship between these siblings.

Comments

[cereta]

This is one of those, "I am curious to see what people will say." I am really torn. I am really, really on the side of being open with kids about things like this. I don't think any good can come from hiding from any of the kids involved that they have siblings. Admittedly, this is strongly colored by my own experience, but I think that just about the worst thing that could happen would be for LW's ex to die suddenly, and have the older daughters find out after (especially if it's by the other girl's mother making an - entirely justified - claim against the estate or his Social Security). And yes, finding out that LW knew and didn't tell them is not going to help.

However, LW is not in any way connected to this third girl, and although she is her daughters' mother (and thus can advocate for them), her standing to tell her daughters about their sister against her ex's (and possibly the other girl's mother's) wishes is very, very shaky. I think the best she can do is have a very serious talk with her ex about the very real possibilities of this secret coming out in ways he can't control. On the one hand, he may have reasons for not telling them (an agreement with the girl's mother?). On the other hand, if he just refuses to tell them, she has a decision to make. I can't honestly say what I'd do. I might, if I could, contact the girl's mother and ask her about it. I know: lots of words, not much help.

[xenacryst]

I think the question that should be forefront for LW and her ex is not "should the daughters now?" but "how would we like the daughters to find out?" - to put it succinctly. If she has a reasonable relationship with her ex, that should be a conversation they can have. If not, then she has to think about it on her own.

I think it may be helpful to take a cue from what the LW says: "I know they would be thrilled to know her." Even if that's not strictly true (I'm always a little leery of claims like that), it probably is true that the further down the generational tree they go, the more likely the people involved are to think kindly towards each other. I have essentially a half-aunt in Korea that my grandmother refused to have anything to do with, my uncle likes to pretend doesn't exist, and with whom my mother shares infrequent but generally friendly letters and phone calls with - and who sent the Fanlet various baby items. If it weren't for the fact that Korea is a bit of a ways away, I'd be keen on meeting her.

[cereta]

You bring up a valuable point; the newest trend in letters is "I found an unknown sibling/cousin/parent through a DNA service," so keeping this from the daughters now could result in them finding out in 30 years when their kids use (I'm sure a much more precise) version of such services.

[lunabee34]

This is a very wise point. I agree with you wholeheartedly.

[jadelennox]

My vibe is "odds are high the kids will find out one day, for some reason. Do you want your adult children yo hate you for lying to them about this?" They'll likely never have a relationship with the half-sib, but it's a fact they should be aware of.

[tielan]

My instinct says "tell them". It's more of a betrayal of the mother-daughter relationship for her to know and not tell them, than it is for the ex-wife's relationship to the ex-husband.

The thing I would stress would be "the mother of your sister may not want you to know her; and that's her right until your sister is old enough to make that decision for herself. You can send a letter to her mother, with a letter for your sister if she wishes to pass that on, but you should respect her wishes in this."

[minoanmiss]

I know it's a brief letter but the ex sounds useless so I honestly don't think I'd bother talking to him. I know he's the father but it kind of sounds like he's abdicated responsibility here. I would try to talk to the mother of the child (I know this might be really difficult, so awkward, but that's where I'd go) about introducing the daughters.

And I think the LW is pretty gracious -- I know of people with the opposite opinion about their SO's other children.

[eleanorjane]

My instinct is "tell them" - not because they're "entitled to know" or entitled to have some sort of relationship with the other girl (because I don't think either of those thinngs is true), but because it's a fact and hiding/lying about facts is generally a bad idea when they're facts that are likely to become known and have some emotional impact.