Dear Prudence: I'm Not Racist, I Just Really Love Dogs

[minoanmiss]

Q. I just love dogs: I live in the downtown area of a gentrifying city. I have worked intentionally to become part of the community I joined, while respecting its roots—supporting local business, volunteering, etc. I know I have lots of unconscious racial biases, but I try hard to listen and not cause harm. I also really love dogs. I have an awesome dog. He is cute and friendly, and we know lots of people in our neighborhood who I wouldn’t otherwise have any reason to interact with. Having a cute, friendly dog, I am very used to people paying attention to him and not talking to me. Not only do I not mind this, it brings me joy to see people dote on him. I also talk a lot at my job and can sometimes feel burned out from any more conversation than I’m professionally obligated to engage in. I am friendly with some fellow dog parents, and dogs being the focal point of our interaction often seems like a global inside joke.

About a month ago, a woman somewhere in my age range moved immediately next door to me. She is black. I am, if it isn’t obvious by now, white. I was bringing my dog in when she was moving in, and she said she knew someone would want to say hello. She opened her door, and her own adorable dog ran out. The dogs happily greeted each other. I was happy and even harbored visions in the moment of exchanging keys with my new neighbor and helping each other with dog walks on occasion. A few weeks passed, I had some travel, and then after I returned, I saw them on the street when I was racing off somewhere, and I cheerily said hello to the dog. Later that day I saw them again and, again, said hello to the dog. My neighbor yanked the dog away from me and my dog and yelled, “Don’t say hi to my dog if you aren’t going to say hi to me.” I was extremely surprised and faintly called after her, “I just really love dogs.”

Prudie, she clearly thinks I’m racist, when I really just love dogs. I have seen her since then and gotten a similar aggressive ignoring response, though no more comments. What can I do? Should I put a note under her door? What should it say? “I’m not racist, I just love dogs” seems a bit reductive, but it is the truth. I usually operate with a fairly high level of emotional intelligence, and I am completely stumped by the appropriate move here. I no longer harbor happy ideas of us becoming neighbor friends. Am I racist and clueless? Help me.

I think you are spiraling a little! If you were to run after her and say, “I’m not racist, I just love dogs,” you would not make things better, but you would freak her out. A note would also be overbearing. It’s clear that the possibility that she might think you are a racist is sending you into a panic and your primary goal right now is to get her to reassure you that she doesn’t think you’re racist. I don’t think that’s an appropriate thing to try to extract from her! Even if you are a conscientious and well-intentioned neighbor, there may still be people in your neighborhood who don’t like you or aren’t excited by your presence. You have to accept that, even if part of your soul rebels at the thought of not being able to make someone think well of you. Either way, the best response to what she said would have been, “I’m sorry I was rude. I’ll say hello next time we run into each other.” Not “I just really love dogs.” From now on, if you see her out and about, offer her a quick smile or a brief hello, but take your cues from her. If she seems inclined to be distant, don’t try to force a connection.

Comments

[minoanmiss]

0) God give the LW's neighbor strength.
0.5) God give me strength
0.75) I don't even believe in God.
1) For those in fic writing communities, do you remember the concept of the Remix? Where someone takes a story one person wrote and retells it in a different way? This letter feels to me like a remix of this one Different bigotry, same stupidity.
2) Which is an example of why I think bigotry is a hydra-headed monster that goes down to the same awful impulse.
3) LW, honey. Sit down. You say that you are trying to listen, so listen to this: You are being racist, and I'll tell you why. None of this was about race. You were rude to your neighbor by ignoring her existence in favor of her dog's, and she said as a human being that you had hurt her feelings by ignoring her. But instead of seeing her as a wounded human being you saw her Only As Black and thus saw any conflict between you two as About Race. She didn't bring racism into this by existing with melanin -- you did by your mental formulation.
4) People who will be rude to other people over dogs make me tired with a garnish of frightened.

[cimorene]

As a former dog owner, I've experinced a lot of interactions like this with other dog owners, where everyone's main attention is on the dogs - maybe eye contact or a little smile/wave for the person. So I wouldn't describe the basic behavior as rude, especially since I think it's at least widely expected, even if it's not necessarily dominant. However, none of that really matters because as you said in #3, it's a very simple problem with an incredibly simple apology to make if you actually WERE feeling friendly and excited to meet someone and failed to communicate that impression to them. Not only is race irrelevant, it's awfully telling that her main desire wasn't to apologize and correct the mistake.

[minoanmiss]

You dog people are weird. :)

But yeah, LW wants to Extract Absolution from this unfortunate woman who just wants to live her life and maybe be acknowledged as human by her fellow humans. I really hate it when people want to Extract Absolution especially from those disprivileged relative to them.

[cimorene]

Yeah, there's a big ick there. Even if someone is genuinely having a mental spiral, it's a very bad look when they owe an apology but instead somehow need to be reassured that they're not a bad person, in an interaction that has now become All About Them.

[conuly]

Yeah, sometimes your weird mental spirals deserve to be kept confidential between you and your therapist or, barring that, you and yourself.

[ysobel]

Depending on context it can be really common to greet dogs first, or spend more attention on the dog. I've gotten used to people saying hi to Yahtzee before they say hi to me. It's kind of like how the parents of young kids are "Child's mom/dad/parent" and not "Adult" or "Mr/Mrs/Mx Lastname".

=but=

a. that doesn't mean there's no racism involved;
2. regardless, it's pretty easy to see how it landed as a microaggression;
three. the neighbor *didn't even make it about race* omg stop leaping;
iv. even if that was the intended implication, yelling "I'm totally not racist" is cringe;
fork. how hard is it to say hi to the PERSON argh?

LW, it's not about how hurt YOU are, and it's not about getting someone from The Black Monolith [tm] to absolve you. It's about seeing/treating your neighbor as an individual.

[ilyena_sylph]

Yeah, it's totally normal with dog people to talk to the dog and not the human, I greet the dogs on my street rather than the people all the time.

[minoanmiss]

*shakes head* You dog people are weird. :)

TBH I would be a little miffed to be ignored, but then, I am not a dog person.

[xenacryst]

People who Don't See Race And Aren't Racist and simultaneously make everything about race make me so damned weary. minoanmiss, one more time on your point #3 for the people in back. LW, I'm looking at you.