Friend of Foe: bossy friend

[cereta]

Dear Friend or Foe,
I'm a college senior. I have a friend—"Layla"—who doesn't seem to understand the meaning of boundaries. She interferes in my interactions with waiters, ticket sellers, professors, even my parents. She even has the unspeakable rudeness, obnoxiousness, and nerve to tell me what to eat when we are out! I'm a tad overweight, yes, but I'm an adult! And her nagging and ordering me around only make me want to eat what I've picked even more. I usually allow her to boss me around just to avoid a fight. But I once went ahead and ordered what I wanted, and she ruined my entire lunch by nagging me about it. I'd have a talk with her about all of these issues, but I know she'd never, ever see it from my point of view and will never change no matter what I say. Is this normal? Do people behave like this? Should I maintain my friendship with this woman?

Sincerely,
Not Your Damn Husband

Dear NYDH,
Little Miss Bossy Pants types appear as early as nursery school, telling us what games to play, where to sit, even what color to wear—or else! By adulthood, most of us have learned to stand up for ourselves and, in the process, have jettisoned those "friends" who seem to specialize in telling us how to live as opposed to helping us enjoy the living. Only you know if a part of you secretly enjoy having a "mommy" figure in your life. It sounds as if you don't anymore, if you ever did. So you have your own answer: Layla needs to shape up (and shut up) or ship out

You don't say what outrageous declarations Layla has made to your parents and professors. ("Mr. and Mrs, X, please understand that you're wasting tuition money on your lazy-ass daughter"? "Professor Y, perhaps you're unaware that plagiarism plays a large role in my friend's term paper"?) As for her humiliating you in front of ticket-takers, I can even less imagine what's said. ("I thought you should know my friend intends to scalp these"?) So all I can address is the food issue. If you have any interest in preserving the friendship—and establishing real boundaries with Layla—you need to give her a little of her own medicine. Next time she suggests you send the double cheeseburger back, I'd reply, "Can you please, for once in your life, mind your own frigging business? I don't tell you what zit cream to use!" (Or equivalent.) Good luck.

Comments

[cereta]

How sad is it that I was actually pleasantly surprised to see an advice columnist not reply that maybe your friend is just concerned about your health, and you should listen to her good advice? I find myself wondering how Abby would have responded to this.

That said, letter writer? It wouldn't be appropriate for her to treat her husband this way, either.

[minoanmiss]

Word and word.

[abbylee]

Or if the advice would have been different for "not your damn daughter".