minoanmiss: Detail of a Minoan statuette of a worshipping youth (Statuette Youth)
minoanmiss ([personal profile] minoanmiss) wrote in [community profile] agonyaunt2024-05-06 06:25 pm

Ask Amy: "Bro Code"

Dear Amy: I need to resolve an issue concerning my close friend, “Brian” and my ex-girlfriend.

The three of us used to socialize together when my ex and I were still a couple.

Brian told me that he has not seen my former girlfriend after our breakup except once, accidentally.

However, a couple of days ago Brian volunteered to me that he has recently been patronizing the restaurant where my ex used to work (my understanding was that she no longer worked there, but a reliable source told me that she does indeed still work there).

It is not the type of restaurant that Brian would frequent because of his limited choices of cuisine.

I suspect that the only reason he would go there is because he always liked her and that she works there.

I realize that I cannot expect to impose my will on who Brian chooses to associate with, but it makes me very uncomfortable that it appears that he is being untruthful.

I really don’t want to end my friendship, but now I can’t trust him.

Should I confront him, or should I just end my friendship, which is something I really don’t want to do?

If Brian wanted to have some type of relationship with my former girlfriend and if he was honest about that, then my feelings about this might have been different.

I am confused and hurt.


Can you offer some advice?

K


Dear K: You state that you might be fine with “Brian” spending time with your former girlfriend, but I think it’s important that you simply admit to yourself that you’re feeling a little bit lost and hurt. You are also overly invested and speculating. You haven’t quite left the relationship with your ex.

It is natural not to want your close friend associating with your former girlfriend. Even though you understand that you cannot control another person’s associations, if you are trying your hardest to stay away from someone, you want for others to also respect this boundary.

I’d say that it is also natural for Brian to withhold this information from you – because he wants to maintain both friendships (and look at how you are reacting!).

I don’t love the terminology behind “bro” and “girl” codes, but the basics do seem to be timeless, as well as understandable, because they have to do with putting your friends first – especially when the chips are down.


Don’t hold onto your suspicion and speculation. Talk with Brian about this.

Tell him, honestly, that you know he has the right to maintain a friendship with your ex, but that – right now – it hurts. If he denies spending time with her, then you should choose to believe him.

Ultimately, trust is a choice, and if you lose your friendship with Brian, then your failed relationship with your ex will have also robbed you of an important friendship.
conuly: (Default)

[personal profile] conuly 2024-05-06 11:37 pm (UTC)(link)
Assuming that LW's assumptions about Brian's behavior are correct, it sounds like Brian's trying to gently hint around "Oh, yeah, I've recently been spending more time with your Ex and we're really hitting it off". I don't know why he's taking the slow approach rather than ripping that bandaid off, but I wouldn't say he's being dishonest... not that he really has an obligation to tell LW anyway.
lokifan: black Converse against a black background (Default)

[personal profile] lokifan 2024-05-07 12:48 am (UTC)(link)
It's kind of dishonest imo, but I see what you mean because he does seem to be hinting/trying to lay the groundwork if something does happen. I see why LW's upset but I'd say he should try a "so do you see Ex at the restaurant?" and let Brian tell him.

Wonder how long ago the break-up was, cos this definitely feels like LW wants to be chill about it but isn't.
conuly: (Default)

[personal profile] conuly 2024-05-07 02:55 am (UTC)(link)
I do see why LW's upset... but... unless there's a lot more context here that was elided from this letter, or this breakup is very recent, I think LW needs to get over themself.

Brian used to socialize with LW and GF. If Brian is just GF's friend, that's none of LW's business. Or if Brian is trying to date GF, again, that's no longer LW's business. You don't own your exes, and it's a bit childish to act like you do.
cereta: Flyer from Haven's opening credits (Haven Flagg)

[personal profile] cereta 2024-05-07 03:32 am (UTC)(link)
You don't own your exes, and you don't own your friends, but that doesn't mean it's easy to deal with them spending time together, especially in a romantic context. LW doesn't seem to be throwing a tantrum about it. They're hurt about possibly being misled, and they're trying to deal with those feelings. Feelings are messy, and complicated, and seldom logical.
conuly: (Default)

[personal profile] conuly 2024-05-07 03:52 am (UTC)(link)
Again, I don't think LW's friend is misleading them. I think they're just trying to open this conversation slowly, but that they don't think anybody is fooled about where it's headed - indeed, LW certainly thinks they have a good idea where it's headed!

And so I don't think LW is trying to deal with their feelings, I think they're trying to justify behavior on grounds that don't really fit the situation. It's one thing to say "I can't handle my friend dating my ex, so I'm going to distance myself from both of them until I'm over it", but it's another to say "Oh! Well, I'd feel differently if he wasn't a lying liar who lies!" when we all know it's not the case. If LW's friend had done what LW claims they want then it would've been some other excuse.
melannen: Commander Valentine of Alpha Squad Seven, a red-haired female Nick Fury in space, smoking contemplatively (Default)

[personal profile] melannen 2024-05-07 02:50 pm (UTC)(link)
Honestly the whole thing with the restaurant seems incredibly convoluted to me. It's also entirely possible that Brian just recently realized that Restaurant actually has a dish he really likes, which he's trying to talk to LW about, he also thought GF had quit and has never seen her there.

Like if he's actually constantly going to a restaurant that doesn't serve any food he can eat, just to spend time with an on-the-clock-employee, who he is not actually dating but knows well enough that he could meet her other ways if they both wanted, that's worrying for non-bro-code reasons, right?

It seems like the options here are that either LW is making a mountain out of a molehill and he's going to the restaurant to eat food, or Brian is harassing this poor girl at work, or Brian is lying and they've been dating awhile, in which case that's a *super* sideways way of opening the discussion, bro.

I mean the advice is still good, talk to him, but I'd lay odds that Brian will be as surprised as you were to realize she still works there.
mrissa: (Default)

[personal profile] mrissa 2024-05-07 03:48 pm (UTC)(link)
This, this, very this.

There are restaurants I have been patronizing for LITERALLY TWENTY YEARS and only ordering one thing, so if one of my friends had a meltdown about how limited their menu was and how it surely meant ulterior motives on my part, I'd be like, "...but I...eat the summer roll? and that's all I want there? okay bye?"
conuly: (Default)

[personal profile] conuly 2024-05-08 09:10 am (UTC)(link)
I read that as “Brian is a really picky eater and the only thing he can eat at a sushi place is plain rice”.
laurajv: Holmes & Watson's car is as cool as Batman's (Default)

[personal profile] laurajv 2024-05-07 07:22 pm (UTC)(link)
it's weird to me that LW says he can't trust his friend when he hasn't actually had an open conversation about this with this friend,, like "do you ever see Ex there?"