minoanmiss (![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png)
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agonyaunt2025-08-21 02:05 pm
minoanmiss) wrote in agonyaunt2025-08-21 02:05 pm
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Ask a Manager: My Team Keeps ASking About My Feelings
My team keeps asking me about my feelings
I would love some advice on how to deal with my new “touchy-feely” work group. In the past few months, my immediate team of three people was moved from Division #1 to Division #2. I actually like most of the people I’ll be working with in Division #2 on an individual basis, but the problem is that the division as a whole has a very “touchy-feely” culture that is making me uncomfortable. The thing I’m most uncomfortable with right now is that they start every meeting by asking everyone how they feel that day, and anyone who indicates they’re feeling less than “good” that day is asked if they want to talk about it. As someone who suffers from anxiety and depression (and is in a profession that is being seriously negatively affected by the current administration), I hate this. I don’t want to share my feelings at work, especially in a meeting of 6+ people.
The problem is exacerbated because everyone else almost always indicates that they are feeling “good” at the beginning of every meeting. I’m usually the only one who indicates that I’m feeling “neutral” or “bad.” I feel singled out, and I also feel like I’m going crazy because apparently everyone else is having a great day, even though our profession is going up in flames!
Should I just pretend like I’m feeling “good” at every meeting, or is there a way to get them to stop asking about my feelings all the time?
Yeah, if you say you’re feeling “bad,” it’s virtually guaranteed that any halfway considerate person is going to ask more about it, out of basic politeness if nothing else. The very easy way to solve this is to say you’re “good.” You’re not obligated to provide an honest answer about how you’re feeling if it’s not something you want to get into. (In fact, I’d argue that even if you did want to talk about it, a team meeting wouldn’t necessarily be the place for it anyway.)
So from here onward, your answer is always that you’re “pretty good” or “good” or “doing well” or so forth, and that solves the problem.
I do think it’s probably notable that you’ve felt compelled to answer honestly despite hating it, and it would be interesting to know if you’re overlooking other situations where bland niceties are permissible and would make your life easier!
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But yeah, I'd say that unless LW's able to tie their anxiety down long enough to request a change in the group culture (whether that be to stop involving everybody in these discussions, or to stop prodding further, or for others to share their negativity too), they're just going to have to lie.
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Bear in mind that if any answer other than “good” is a cue to have your thoughts and feelings rummaged through (with the implicit assumption that the company has right of access to your thoughts and feelings), that’s going to bias what your co-workers report.
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The fact that LW has this problem, and is writing in about it, says that lying and saying "I'm good" is not a good solution. Of course they've considered it. Every single person with this problem (inclined to answer "how are you" truthfully; I am one of these people) has been told to just lie about it, it's fine, MANY times in their lives. It's not a solution. It's "be uncomfortable to save other people any discomfort; YOUR comfort is irrelevant" advice and it's gross.
A good answer would be to provide scripts for requesting that whoever is leading the meeting STOP ASKING ABOUT FEELINGS because it is INAPPROPRIATE AT WORK.
ETA: Checked out the comments over there and found a thread where people were discussing neutral/jokey/dismissive answers to "how are you" that are not lies but also not invitations to discuss one's feelings. This is the sort of thing I'm used to using, and I'd be very surprised if any of it were new to LW. I think LW was writing to AAM for more professional advice on how to push back against this touchy-feely workplace culture, though, and they did not get any.
Comments also had infuriating threads belittling LW for not being perfectly comfortable with social lying. Assholes.
(And guess what, people who say "it's not LYING, no one really takes these answers seriously"? When you're chronically ill and severely depressed, telling people you're "fine" or "good" CAN AND WILL be used against you. As evidence that you're lying about being in pain, for instance. It's not just a social pleasantry. It's an affirmation that you are going to conform to expectations and be no trouble at all, and if for some reason you can't conform or have to trouble someone, having engaged in pleasantries can give people an excuse for ableist hostility. You SAID you were fine!)
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your parenthetical is my thought as well. I hate this kind of thing, because if you lie and have disability or health issues, people absolutely use it against you. Maybe it doesn't happen to abled, healthy neurotypical people? But for many disabled people or sick people it's not a social pleasantry at all.
My answer for LW would be answer "And how are you REALLY feeling, Ralphina?" with something along the lines of
or
or
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"How's everyone this morning?"
"Bored. Annoyed. Tired. Same as every morning."
"Would you like to talk about it, Sporky?"
"No, I'd like to get on and do the work I'm being paid to do and not discuss my ~feelings~ because that's a large part of what makes me bored, annoyed, and tired."
"Oh..."
It only took two weeks.
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