Dear Prudence: I'm Not Racist, I Just Really Love Dogs

[minoanmiss]

Q. I just love dogs: I live in the downtown area of a gentrifying city. I have worked intentionally to become part of the community I joined, while respecting its roots—supporting local business, volunteering, etc. I know I have lots of unconscious racial biases, but I try hard to listen and not cause harm. I also really love dogs. I have an awesome dog. He is cute and friendly, and we know lots of people in our neighborhood who I wouldn’t otherwise have any reason to interact with. Having a cute, friendly dog, I am very used to people paying attention to him and not talking to me. Not only do I not mind this, it brings me joy to see people dote on him. I also talk a lot at my job and can sometimes feel burned out from any more conversation than I’m professionally obligated to engage in. I am friendly with some fellow dog parents, and dogs being the focal point of our interaction often seems like a global inside joke.

About a month ago, a woman somewhere in my age range moved immediately next door to me. She is black. I am, if it isn’t obvious by now, white. I was bringing my dog in when she was moving in, and she said she knew someone would want to say hello. She opened her door, and her own adorable dog ran out. The dogs happily greeted each other. I was happy and even harbored visions in the moment of exchanging keys with my new neighbor and helping each other with dog walks on occasion. A few weeks passed, I had some travel, and then after I returned, I saw them on the street when I was racing off somewhere, and I cheerily said hello to the dog. Later that day I saw them again and, again, said hello to the dog. My neighbor yanked the dog away from me and my dog and yelled, “Don’t say hi to my dog if you aren’t going to say hi to me.” I was extremely surprised and faintly called after her, “I just really love dogs.”

Prudie, she clearly thinks I’m racist, when I really just love dogs. I have seen her since then and gotten a similar aggressive ignoring response, though no more comments. What can I do? Should I put a note under her door? What should it say? “I’m not racist, I just love dogs” seems a bit reductive, but it is the truth. I usually operate with a fairly high level of emotional intelligence, and I am completely stumped by the appropriate move here. I no longer harbor happy ideas of us becoming neighbor friends. Am I racist and clueless? Help me.

I think you are spiraling a little! If you were to run after her and say, “I’m not racist, I just love dogs,” you would not make things better, but you would freak her out. A note would also be overbearing. It’s clear that the possibility that she might think you are a racist is sending you into a panic and your primary goal right now is to get her to reassure you that she doesn’t think you’re racist. I don’t think that’s an appropriate thing to try to extract from her! Even if you are a conscientious and well-intentioned neighbor, there may still be people in your neighborhood who don’t like you or aren’t excited by your presence. You have to accept that, even if part of your soul rebels at the thought of not being able to make someone think well of you. Either way, the best response to what she said would have been, “I’m sorry I was rude. I’ll say hello next time we run into each other.” Not “I just really love dogs.” From now on, if you see her out and about, offer her a quick smile or a brief hello, but take your cues from her. If she seems inclined to be distant, don’t try to force a connection.