Ask a Manager: Coworker Keeps Pushing Food On Me

[minoanmiss]

A reader writes:

I started a new job just over a month ago. On my first day, a coworker — Kevin — asked if I would like a doughnut from a popular bakery near our office, as he was headed there anyway. I said yes, and he brought it. (He got my order wrong, but oh well, still a free doughnut!)

I thought he was just extending a nice gesture to the new employee, and that would be the end of it. But had I known what would happen next, I never would have accepted the doughnut — because it opened the floodgates of unsolicited food items.

At least five times now Kevin has brought food I didn’t ask for. I say no to the food every time and have outright asked him to check with me first before bringing me anything, which he verbally agreed to, but he has not actually stopped bringing me things unprompted. Most recently today, he slammed a big bottle of iced tea onto my desk, and demanded to know why I didn’t want it when I turned it down.

I’ve told him I have health-related dietary restrictions (not just a deflection tactic, some foods make me pretty sick), which also hasn’t deterred him. I’m at the point where I’m not really able to be polite about it anymore, since I set the boundary and he seems to have no intention of respecting it, despite me sticking to the “no.” My work station is freely accessible to everyone, so I can’t prevent him from bringing me things by shutting an office door.

I’m so annoyed but I feel bad for him at the same time, because my impression is that he badly wants to be liked by me and our other coworkers, but he’s so clueless that his overtures just have the opposite effect.

Is this something I can take to my boss? She also manages him but I feel almost silly bringing this issue to her, especially since I’ve only been working here for a month. I’m worried she’ll think I’m being too harsh/judgmental, or that I’m trying to stir up trouble. Any advice would be much appreciated.

I wrote back and asked, “When you told him you had dietary restrictions, what did he say? And have you noticed him doing it to anyone else?”

He acted like he understood when I told him about my restrictions and asked what kinds of things he should avoid, I told him it’s kind of a long list so the safest bet is always to ask me first. He seemed to agree but then brought me a brownie without asking three days later, which I turned down.

I’m one of the first people you see when walking into the office, so when I inevitably say no to the food, he brings it straight to someone else. It seems like he wanders around until he finds someone who wants whatever random food he has. I asked another coworker about it and she somewhat sheepishly admitted she’ll usually take what he offers but then throw it away later.

As an even weirder side note, on my first day when he brought me the doughnut, he also asked my manager if she wanted one; she told him no. He proceeded to bring her one anyway.

What on earth.

I’m sure you’re right that Kevin is desperate to be liked by people — this is very much currying-favor behavior — but doing the exact opposite of what people have repeatedly asked from you is a weirdly bad strategy for that. It seems like he picked up on the idea that bring food can be a gesture of warmth (it can be!) and he cannot let it go, no matter what the people he’s aiming it at tell him.

So, you’ve got two options here:

1. You can call him out on it more assertively: “I asked you not to bring me food anymore, what’s up?” Or, “I asked you not to bring me food. Please respect that.” Neither of these would be rude, but you might feel rude saying them — it’s a level of bluntness that you normally don’t need to use with colleagues and it might feel like a lot for a work relationship. But his aggressive food pushing is a lot for a work relationship! It’s not inappropriate to tell him bluntly to stop when he’s ignored politer wording.

2. If you don’t want to do that, the other option is to just consistently say no every single time. Don’t ever give in — even if he shows up with an enticing item you very much want — because if you do, you’ll be training him that if he asks enough, sometimes you’ll say yes. Stick with “no” every time. Feel free to sound bored or even annoyed when you say no.

If he again demands to know why you’re saying no like with that iced tea (!!), you can say “because I don’t want it” or “because I asked you to stop bringing me food” or “because I asked you to stop bringing me food and it’s getting really weird that you won’t.” (That last one feels kind of mean, but you have standing to say it because it is getting weird. And after something passes a certain level of weirdness, it’s arguably kinder to just tell the person that. That level has been passed.)

I don’t think this is worth taking to your boss — not because she’ll think you’re being too harsh or trying to create trouble, as you worried about, but because ultimately it’s a pretty small interpersonal issue that most managers will want you to deal with by just telling Kevin no … and also because he’s apparently doing it to everyone and she probably already knows about it. (If the behavior were worse — like if he were leaving food items on your desk that he knew you were allergic to or if he starts throwing more of those iced tea tantrums — my answer would be different.)

If you weren’t new, there would be more room for going to your boss and asking what the F is up with Kevin’s aggressive food behavior, but as a new person I’d handle it on your own for now.

Comments

[minoanmiss]

0) I wonder if Kevin is the husband who keeps sending his wife unwanted red roses at work.

1) I don't think LW should wait for the next Iced Tea Tantrum because I'd bet $5 it'll involve Kevin throwing the bottle just past her ear (so he didn't ACTUALLY hit her and has plausible deniability).

2) Half the people in the comments think LW should "befriend Kevin" to "show him he's already liked" and otherwise manage Kevin's emotions. The other half are recoiling in horror because WE HAVE SEEN THIS DANCE BEFORE. Kevin isn't being nice. He's pushing past boundaries and trying to store up points of what he's "owed" and that needs to be shut down, not encouraged with friendliness.

2.5 [essay on how certain men take any kind of friendliness from women as a reason to continue their terrible behavior]

3) There is nothing a man can do that people won't defend him for it. "Kevin just wants to be liked" "maybe Kevin has food insecurity" WHY IS ANY OF THAT LW'S PROBLEM. WOULD IT BE HER RESPONSIBILITY IF SHE WERE MALE. SO WHY IS IT HERE?

Ugh.

[purlewe]

ALL OF THIS.

[azurelunatic]

https://www.askamanager.org/2022/08/pushy-coworker-wont-stop-bringing-me-food-i-didnt-ask-for.html#comment-3988492 "The problem is that OP is setting a boundary, and then Kevin is slamming iced tea all over it." --Just Another Zebra

[cereta]

Everything you said.

[topaz_eyes]

At this point, after ignoring so many repeated no's and requests to stop, this is harassment. LW needs to say to Kevin in no uncertain terms, "You must stop this now. Do not bring me any more food again. Next time we discuss this with the manager." Then follow through. And if the manager is unwilling to do their job and manage Kevin, HR is the next step.

[sporky_rat]

Kevin wants to be liked?

Kevin needs to act in a manner that can be liked. Full stop.

[oursin]

Okay, I'm being totally silly here, and I can see that this is actually Not Funny at all when it goes on happening and starts getting aggressive, but you know the expression 'were you raised by wolves?' I do wonder if Kevin was a feral child raised by some species for whom courtship involves taking a nice dead rodent* and dropping it at the feet of the object of their affections, and he has got as far as realising dead woodchucks are not on in the office environment so has substitutes pastries and iced tea.

*Or penguins? dropping really seductive stones at the feet of their beloved?

[tielan]

..."Dead Rodent Kevin". Oh man. That's an image. (And hilarious and terrifying and infuriating all at once.)

[minoanmiss]

I needed that giggle :)

[purlewe]

OK yesterday I saw a photo of a cat with a mouse in their mouth in front of a glass door with the words "Door Dash" over it and now I have headcannoned that cat as Kevin.

[azurelunatic]

Slamming the iced tea on the desk was time to invoke the manager.

[xenacryst]

Sorry, Alison, but aside from your mostly fine advice, it's past time to get the manager involved. This broken staircase needs to be fixed before someone actually falls down it.

[xenacryst]

On further thought, I'm getting really tired of the advice of letting things slide or repeatedly stating boundaries that you know will be disrespected in a business setting. LW was hired to do a job, and unless that job specifically included "management" it really does not include managing the tantrums of an emotionally immature man. That's, wait for it, management's job, or, if that doesn't work, HR.

[green_grrl]

This reminded me of that video that uses the analogy of sexual consent being like offering someone of cup of tea. Horrifyingly, Kevin would not understand the analogy, and I really, really, really hope he doesn’t act this way on dates.

[ethelmay]

This seems to me like exactly the kind of thing a manager should be for.

[vindoletta]

I asked another coworker about it and she somewhat sheepishly admitted she’ll usually take what he offers but then throw it away later.

As an even weirder side note, on my first day when he brought me the doughnut, he also asked my manager if she wanted one; she told him no. He proceeded to bring her one anyway.

So he does this to each and every female coworker?