Ask Amy: Friend who commented on abusive relationship faces estrangement

[minoanmiss]

Dear Amy: “Liz” and I have been best friends since high school. We’re now in our 30s. We’ve been there for each other through breakups and divorces and childbirth and her coming out as a lesbian.

We have always told each other everything, so when she started telling me things via text about her new girlfriend that sounded like emotional abuse, I told her I worried that’s what it was. There have been many, many red flags throughout their relationship that pointed to emotional abuse and I had in the past mentioned that it sounded as such.

She said she wanted to meet in person to explain why she didn’t feel it was emotional abuse. I explained that if the meeting was to convince me of her girlfriend’s virtues it was a waste of time. After that I didn’t hear from her for months, despite my texts and phone calls. She finally reached out to me six months ago to say that they were probably breaking up. I kept my mouth shut this time, having learned my lesson.

That was the last I’ve heard from her in months. I’ve reached out many, many times and have received no response.

I don’t understand what is happening or how to resolve it if she won’t respond. I’d hate to think that a 20-year friendship is destroyed because of what, exactly? What should I do?

Concerned

Concerned: One theory is that "Liz" did not in fact break up with her girlfriend, and because she has remained in the relationship and she knows how you feel about it, she has decided to keep her girlfriend, and let you go.

It is a devastating reality that when you have a loved-one you believe to be in an abusive relationship, you sometimes have to willingly relinquish your own influence, to continue to stay in the relationship.

Reach out to her in a neutral attitude of support. Do not raise the issue of her relationship, and don’t pressure her to be in touch. Simply tell her, “I was thinking about you today and hope you are doing well.” Share a bit of news from your own life, and then hope that eventually she will gradually work with you to restore your friendship.

Comments

[julian]

"Concerned: One theory is that "Liz" did not in fact break up with her girlfriend, and because she has remained in the relationship and she knows how you feel about it, she has decided to keep her girlfriend, and let you go."

Quite likely! Though I wouldn't say, "Let you go," but rather, basically, for her to be able to survive the relationship, she couldn't keep the friend who was pointing out what made it problematic. It's a very hard place to be in.

The problem with Amy's last paragraph is that it sounds like LW's done just that already, and it hasn't worked. But yeah, if she hasn't, then do just that, leave it there, and send an occasional cheerful text. Pictures of stuff in your life. Etc.

[green_grrl]

“She finally reached out to me six months ago to say that they were probably breaking up. I kept my mouth shut this time, having learned my lesson.”

Like, literally kept her mouth shut—didn’t respond at all? Because, yes, don’t say, “Thank god, I told you so.” But do quietly say, “If you need help getting to a new place, I’m here for you.”

[adrian_turtle]

Yeah. I spent a lot of time defending my ex and our relationship. When we finally broke up, I felt so vulnerable I couldn't cope with even the threat of "I told you so." Whether or not the words were quite spoken out loud.

[resonant]

She said she wanted to meet in person to explain why she didn’t feel it was emotional abuse. I explained that if the meeting was to convince me of her girlfriend’s virtues it was a waste of time. After that I didn’t hear from her for months, despite my texts and phone calls.

The letter lacks detail, but this ... best-case scenario, from Liz's perspective, this is "I tried to get together with my friend and she rebuffed me." Worst-case scenario, it's "I hoped to meet a friend in person without my girlfriend present to control the conversation. But the friend said no."