Dear Prudence: Do I have to volunteer at my kids' private school?

[cereta]

Q. Playing parental hooky: Our family recently moved cities. My kids used to attend a local private school where I became very involved, giving both time and money. I felt it was worthwhile because the contributions helped this school in its commitment to making it accessible to students at all income levels through ample scholarships and tuition assistance. The school my kids now attend is very expensive and filled only with kids from well-to-do families. Yet, they are still very persistent about soliciting volunteers and contributions. They have a thing for pharaonic building projects. I don’t have interest in participating. I feel like in this case, I’m buying a product for my kids, and that’s that. My wife says that we should participate like we did before. I have said she’s free to do if she likes, but I won’t. Where do you come down on this? (The local public school, which we had hoped to use, was “full,” so our kids would have been bused across town.)

A: I have, I would say, a considerable bias toward public education and think there’s enormous value in attending a school that serves the community, not just children whose parents can afford a “very expensive” tuition bill and the time to help build “pharaonic” monuments. My take is this: Send your kids to the public school across town, and let them experience your city’s public transportation system.

Comments

[cereta]

What the actual fuck? So after the kids have already been uprooted once, Prudie's bright idea is uproot them again, put kids whose ages we don't know on the public bus system, all in the name of supporting public school?

I support public schools. I have no problem with my taxes going to them even though the small fanperson goes to Catholic school, and I almost always vote for whatever levies or increases are proposed. But our choice of public schools for her came down to a school that was great if you're in the gifted program and sucky if you aren't (and where third-graders were throwing gang signs in pictures) and a school that was not only the worst in our district educationally, but had such problems with bullying and violence that a friend's kid just walked out one day. Screw that. Social and political statements I make are all well and good, but I'm not going to use my kid as one.

[ambyr]

I don't even know how Prudie decided the public transportation system had anything to do with the situation. "Our kids would have been bused across town" to me reads as "our kids would have a lengthy ride on a school bus," with the implication that it might be sufficiently lengthy as to disrupt after school programs or other childcare arrangements. (I mean, I live in a city where the public transit system is used for schoolkid transportation, but in that case my phrasing would be the active "Our kids would have to take the bus across town"; "Our kids would have been bused across town" to me implies passivity, waiting around for a designated school bus.)

[jadelennox]

I dunno, as someone who has only ever had private education, there are a lot of ways I think it fucked me up, even though we were never well off. You can read Prudie's response as being "use your kids as tools of social justice", but I read it as "public education has enormous value, for your kids, too."

I mean, I got a top notch education (at least once I left religious private for secular private) but I have some society comprehension struggles that were very hard won.

[cereta]

I got a top-notch education from Catholic schools, and don't feel like I missed out on any particular society comprehension. My daughter goes to Catholic school, and it is fairly diverse in many respects, particularly economically. Meanwhile, the two public schools she would most likely have been sent to are...pretty bad on many levels. I don't think you can lump all private schools together, or all public schools.

[minoanmiss]

I guess the price for Prudie being mostly good is that when she fails she fails fucking hard.

I think I'm with LW overall. In their shoes would probably still volunteer because it's my kid's school and it's a good way to keep one's ear to the ground, but I think they have sufficient reason to not do so.

[cereta]

Just FYI, Prudie's a "he."

[minoanmiss]

Would you believe I didn't know he had transitioned until the discussion on the other recent post? But now I know.

[movingfinger]

Wow. Instead of answering the question asked, Prudence judges and shames the questioner! And gives a crap answer that seems not to take into account the huge number of unknowns around this issue in the actual real world people with kids have to cope with.

The answer to the question asked is "No, you don't have to volunteer for all the committees and shell out donations, unless you want to schmooze with the people who do." (Miss Manners would have been a better place to ask about this, I think.)

ETA: Broke my own rule and looked at the comments. Overwhelming agreement that Prudie failed in every way on this one.

[xenacryst]

Wow, Prudie, spoken like someone who has never had to face the question of where to send their kids for school, based on any number of factors, including, but not limited to: parental time, after school activities, kids temperament, what any of the schools are like (public or private), availability and quality of transportation, age of kids... Basically, you don't know jack and you need to sit on your hands for this one.

[tielan]

Dear Prudence,

I have a considerable bias towards public education myself, and this answer sucks.

You know nothing of their situation, the childrens' needs, whether or not there's even public transport across the town! You know nothing of whether the public school is safe (although I'm guessing it's in the USA so my cynicism asks is any school actually 'safe'?) or the programs available at it or the likely outcomes of LW's kids given their personalities and capabilities. You know nothing of whether the children are settled in their new school, like their teachers, are happy and contented - you only know that this parent doesn't want to join in on the 'highly suggested' school activities for a posh private school that seems to be more about the 'obliged to live up to being "nobility"' than 'nobliesse oblige'.


Dear LW,

You don't have to volunteer if you don't want to. So long as they haven't explicitly indicated that your children's continued attendance depends on your 'volunteering' , then no, you don't have to get involved.

That said, your wife is probably more aware of the social consequences of not volunteering - not just the insulation from the school community, but follow-on consequences such as possible labelling as a 'difficult/isolated/uninvolved father', and likely some flak on your kids/wife from teachers and/or other kids/parents when they see that you're not participating.

It's a delicate balance between what is mandated (ie. I know of private schools that have it contractually written up that parents pay semester fees and volunteer for, say, 8 hours per semester or else pay more money in lieu of that volunteer time), and what is socially expected. The first is easy to spot and can be dealt with; the second, not so much.

My personal instinct is to say 'screw them' but I don't have children, and I'm not in this situation. You'll have to decide whether your decision to not participate is likely to come down on your kids in some not-yet-measurable manner, and once you judge that risk, whether it's worth to err on the side of caution (as your wife appears to be doing) or take the chance of setting the school powers-that-be against your children for having what they consider an 'uncompliant' parent.