agonyaunt | Dear Annie: 'Throwback Thursday' Pix Anger Friend

Dear Annie: "Lisa," a friend with whom I went to high school, got rhinoplasty -- aka a nose job -- between high school and college. Don't ask me why; I think she had a beautiful face beforehand, but that's a tale for another letter. I'm writing to you about a disagreement that's come up between her and me recently.

I love posting "Throwback Thursday" photos on social media. I do it pretty much every Thursday. Lisa and I were basically attached at the hip in high school, so naturally, a lot of my pictures include her. They also include her old nose -- and this is what Lisa takes issue with.

One time, after I made a post, she texted me, "Take that down!" I thought she was joking, so I laughed off her text. About a month later, I posted another photo that she was in. Then she sent me a much longer text, saying I had disrespected her wishes and made her feel embarrassed. I told her I never meant to make her feel bad -- that those old photos make me feel happy, which is why I share them. I thought we reached an understanding. A few months later, I posted a group photo, which she was in. That's when she went nuclear. Now she's not speaking to me. Annie, was I wrong? -- Thrown Off

Dear Thrown Off: When you look at these photos, you see snapshots of fond memories. When your friend looks at these photos, all she sees are "before" pictures. That's a shame. It seems that she is still carrying a lot of insecurity about her looks and her surgery. Let's hope she makes peace with that. If you want to keep peace with her until then, avoid posting old photos of just her or the two of you. It is her likeness, after all, and not every memory needs to be shared with the whole world. Sometimes it's better to treasure them privately.

Flat | Top-Level Comments Only

How about respecting your friend's boundaries? Just a thought.

Which is to say, LW doesn't need to understand the friend's boundaries in order to abide by them. Surely she has plenty of other pictures to post, or can crop them.

The friend's request is unreasonable. You don't own the rights to every photo that has ever been taken of you. That said, it's also a small request, so abiding by it shouldn't be a big imposition for the LW.

The LW doesn't seem to have the option of making her friend see reason on this issue. Her choices are (1) abide by the friend's request, or (2) don't, and deal with the possibly friendship-ending fallout. She can decide where her priorities lie. Personally, I would chalk this up to a personality quirk and modify my posting habits to preserve the friendship.

The friend's request is utterly reasonable. She doesn't own the rights to the picture, and if she made a copyright or DMCA or other legal claim, that would be unreasonable. But there are countless excellent reasons to want to control which pictures of you are available online, especially with your name on them (LW doesn't identify whether she used Lisa's name in the metadata). It's completely reasonable for Lisa to get angry at someone who calls herself a friend after being asked on two separate occasions to stop doing that.

Quirk or not, if I tell a friend that Thing They Are Doing really bothers me, I would be very upset if they laughed and kept doing it. I mean, yes, I can conceive of a friend asking for something that I either couldn't or wouldn't change, but posting pictures on social media? For crying out loud, even Paint can be used to block someone's face.

I suppose I have a different perspective on this, because I am just coming to a point where my daughter is asking for control of what pictures of her I post. Pictures that I think are adorable, she finds embarrassing (she's 11; it's the age), and I am really having to school myself to pause and ask her before I post something. I can't imagine disregarding her wishes. I might still send the picture to her grandparents, but I won't put it on Facebook if she says no.

Quirk or not, if I tell a friend that Thing They Are Doing really bothers me, I would be very upset if they laughed and kept doing it.

Oh yes, I agree, which is why I said if the LW continues posting photos, she needs to be prepared to deal with the potentially friendship-ending fallout.

My kids aren't old enough yet to be aware of social media, but when they are, I will respect their wishes on how to manage photos of them. Between peers, though, it is unrealistic (maybe a better word than unreasonable) to expect the same consideration. Posting a solo shot of a friend might be a little odd, but posting group photos is so very normal that I'm not surprised the LW is "thrown off" by her friend's demands.

I have a pet peeve, which is people posting pictures of other people on social media without their permission. Facebook's ability to tag individuals in photos just adds insult to injury, although even without Facebook, many folks obviously describe the photos in ways that the picture subjects can find to be a violation of their privacy.

Activist spaces and conferences are starting to address this, but it's still socially considered utterly normal to post pics of other people, which I find bewildering.

So, LW:

Most important, you should switch to an "ask first, without assuming" model for posting pictures. If Lisa is actively doing the uncomfortable thing of telling you off, assume that she's not the only person who is upset, but is just the only person who said so. You don't have to ask about every picture; an email to the folks in a group shot that says "hey, Bardolph, I found an awesome drama club pic! Is it okay if I post pictures with you in them on social media? And if I do, do you mind me tagging you in them / identifying you?"
Her reasons don't matter, only that they are her reasons. Why are you being a dick? No, seriously, what investment do you have in upsetting Lisa? You now know you upset her, and you kept upsetting her, with a third post after she scolded you. She's not going to suddenly be happy with your choice, so right now you are actually asking "Annie, can I feel self-righteous in my choice to prioritize putting a snapshot on FB over a friendship? Because I realize this choice will end the friendship!" No answer from Annie is going to make Lisa okay with your choice. Just. Back. Down.
Lisa might be upset over the nose job, which is her choice. Other reasons you shouldn't assume that photo posting is fair game include the fact that your friends might not have told you their concerns about: stalkers; identity theft; overly-curious employers; a journalist; a lawyer or insurance company investigator seeking information to fight a divorce or an insurance claim; a transitioning photo subject; or personal fucking preference.
The point is you don't know and this is a fight that only makes you a terrible person. Stop having it.

Your pet peeve is also my pet peeve.

My version of Annie's predictably shitty response:
----
Dear LW, yes, you were wrong.

Your friend Lisa was dissatisfied with her appearance enough to have painful surgery to change it. Now you are posting ongoing reminders of how she used to look, and disregarding her repeated requests to a) not do that any more and b) take down what you've already posted.

Are you really surprised she's unhappy? Imagine if there was a quality about yourself that you'd taken pains to change, and now Lisa was repeatedly posting things that reminded everyone you used to have that quality, and when it upset you she'd innocently pose the defense that no, no, this was all about *her* happy memories.

You saying you "never meant to make her feel bad" is an explanation, not an excuse, and it *certainly* doesn't excuse you from not taking them down after the fact. "I never meant to make you feel bad" isn't a license to ignore her actual request and keep going on your merry way. No wonder she's pissed at you, LW; you've clearly demonstrated that your memories of happiness are more important to you than her current happiness.

Fuck's sake, LW, have some fucking compassion. It sounds a lot like you're getting some sort of saboteur-y satisfaction out of drawing attention to Lisa's former appearance in a semi-public arena. Stop being a fucking jerk, take down the pictures, and I dunno, maybe level the playing field by posting some subjectively unflattering pix of yourself instead next TBT.

Also, apologise.

Dear Annie: 'Throwback Thursday' Pix Anger Friend

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