Dear Annie: My girlfriend won't talk to me about recent clothing choices that seem out of character

[petrea_mitchell]

Dear Annie: I’ve been dating a wonderful woman for almost a year now and have recently noticed some odd behaviors. The one that concerns me the most is the way she’s been dressing. Case in point: We were invited to a pool party and barbecue at a friend’s house.
When I picked her up, she was dressed as if she were going to a high-powered business meeting, complete with heels and a Gucci purse.

The second time, we were going to a memorial service for one of her co-workers’ husbands, and she was dressed in shorts and a T-shirt. The third time, she dressed in sweatpants and a T-shirt for dinner out with friends at an upscale restaurant for their 35th anniversary. We’ve both gotten some interesting looks about her appearance.

I’ve tried talking to her several times about her dressing inappropriately for certain outings and hit a stone wall. I’ve also reached out to her close friend who was no help. It’s gotten to the point I am considering not going out on the weekends with her. How can I deal with this? It’s beginning to affect me at work. -- Stonewalled

Dear Stonewalled: The most concerning thing about this situation isn’t so much the fashion choices themselves, but that your girlfriend has started acting so differently seemingly out of the blue, with little regard for the social context around her.

Can you think of anything that might have led to this disconnect? Does she have family or other close friends you can try talking to instead about it? This, and the other odd behaviors you mentioned but didn’t detail further, I fear, could be a sign of something bigger going on.

Comments

[petrea_mitchell]

For once someone writes in about their paramour's fashion sense and has a real reason to be concerned! Although I have a feeling that if all the odd behaviors were listed out, the clothing choices would not be the thing that most screams "this person needs a medical assessment".

[full_metal_ox]

I get the impression from the examples listed that she’s dressing in calculated defiance of the social context-—no matter what that might be; the shorts and T-shirt would’ve been perfect for the pool party, and the suit and heels at least acceptable for the fancy restaurant or (if sufficiently subdued) the funeral, so it doesn’t seem to be for lack of wardrobe options.

What’s she rebelling against? Is “not like the sheeple” her whole identity? (And how old is she?)

[lilysea]

Sweatpants and a tshirt makes me wonder if she had

a) lower back pain

b) period pain or

c) abdominal bloating

that would have made her normal dresses or skirts or trousers uncomfortable for the restaurant?

[matsushima]

That would make sense but it doesn't explain the heels and Gucci purse she wore to the pool party.

I wonder if LW's girlfriend is acting inappropriately at these occasions as well as dressing in way that, like full_metal_ox said, seems actively defiant against the sartorial norm expected at these events. I also wonder if LW only recently noticed that this is something their girlfriend does or if it's a new thing for her. (It sounds like it might be a new thing for her?)

[likeaduck]

I'm hesitant about that example though: heels and a purse are...pretty appropriate things to wear to a party? And pool parties can have different levels of formality?

[conuly]

I don't think heels are an appropriate thing to wear to a barbecue or a pool party. It'd be like showing up to one in a tux.

Or, rather... the heels themselves might go either way, but the entire outfit as described sounds like a dress-up thing for what's clearly a dress-down event.

[likeaduck]

I mean, there are high heeled sandals. And fancy pool parties. And we don't have any specific information about the outfit except the heels and the bag, so I just wonder...

[conuly]

The choices are either a. he's a total dipshit who doesn't know about appropriate clothing options for women and/or likes to lie in advice columns or b. her outfits really are outre. Normally those choices are about equally likely, but he gave three separate examples and I think we agree that the other two were inappropriately dressed *down*.

[cereta]

But the overall outfit is described as being appropriate to a "high-powered business meeting," so while heels with, say, a t-shirt and denim skirt might be appropriate at a pool party, heels and a sharp suit are definitely not.

[topaz_eyes]

I agree that GF's clothing choices seem calculated to embarrass/annoy others, and I agree something bigger is going on. Are LW's pool party and 35th anniversary friends also GF's friends? I wonder if GF feels welcome and included with her co-workers, or LW's friends at these events; or if she feels out of place and ignored. To me this seems like a strategy to avoid having to attend these kinds of social events in future.

[melannen]

LW, what kind of stone wall is it? Is it an "I don't know what you're talking about" stonewall or an "I am outright denying what you're saying" stonewall? Or something that could be covering for either of those? How does she respond if people at the events point out her clothes (if they do)?

If this really is new and sudden and she really has no explanation for why she's doing it, would it be consistent with her behavior that she's having some kind of cognitive issues (i.e., she starts getting ready and she suddenly can't remember what she's getting ready for, or she's sometimes having trouble interpreting social expectations that used to come easily.) People early in on some kind of issue like this can cover it really well with things like stonewalling or acting offended that anyone would question them, even if the underlying problem is that they're terrified that they don't know what's going on either.

Anyway, not to internet diagnose, but if this is a sudden marked change (and her long-time friends and family agree) it's probably worth looking for other signs of cognitive issues, like sudden confusion, memory problems, trouble carrying a conversation, mood swings, or other unusual social difficulties, and see if you can convince her to get evaluated.