Amy gets it right

[conuly]

Dear Annie: I am a 29-year-old woman, and I've been having an ongoing debate with my boyfriend of 10 years.

I wear makeup because I am insecure about my skin and my face in general. I have tried any and all products recommended to me to help clear up my skin.

I have suffered from eating disorders in the past and have constant fixation and amplification of every flaw, so I'm aware of the fact that it might be body dysmorphia that is in part driving my anxiety about my face. I am going into therapy and seeing a dermatologist next month, and I will start my process there.

But in the meantime, when I look in the mirror at my bare face, I see a monster. Makeup takes away some of that anxiety -- gives me confidence in myself, allowing me to enjoy life a little more.

While I know that it is not healthy to be so dependent on cosmetics, they are helping me get through these feelings for now.

The problem is that my boyfriend hates that I wear makeup. He constantly insists that I stop wearing it, to the point that we regularly get in heated arguments about this. He even jokingly says he will break up with me if I continue to wear it. I tell him that not wearing makeup just doesn't work for me. I tried it once for a year. It didn't clear up my skin, and it was horrible emotionally.

I really don't know what to say to him at this point other than that I am in the process of hopefully solving this problem, but even if my blemishes clear up, the mental and emotional aspects will take time. I understand others will say: "It's just makeup. Ditch it for him if you really love him!" But I don't think people understand how much I really can't stand seeing the face I have naked in the mirror. It brings me to tears and causes anxiety attacks -- which I feel like my boyfriend would resent me even more for. He doesn't have much patience for insecurity of any kind. I'm not sure what to tell him other than, "Let's wait and see." Any advice? -- Can't Face the Mirror

Dear Can't Face the Mirror: Just as it would be wrong for your boyfriend to demand that you wear makeup, it's wrong for him to demand that you don't. It's your face, and it's up to you what to do with it. His threats of breaking up hardly qualify as "jokes" in my book. That kind of talk smacks of bullying. Enlist the help of your therapist in setting and enforcing boundaries in your relationship so that you can focus on healing yourself and reducing your anxiety.

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Comments

[conuly]

The advice might have gone further into saying "Tell him that if this is a dealbreaker, he's free to leave any time, and seriously ask yourself if his behavior isn't a dealbreaker for you", but I suspect LW might not have listened to that.

[green_grrl]

He doesn't have much patience for insecurity of any kind.

He is not the partner for you. (Or for any human who is not perfect, i.e., anyone. I’m seeing a future “leaves wife when she gets sick” type of husband.)

[conuly]

It's come out that there was some bad math in that study and the results are invalid.

[green_grrl]

I’m glad aggregate numbers aren’t as bad as reported. This particular guy, though…

[conuly]

Oh, no, totally.

[melannen]

Given she's been dating him since she was a teenager I certainly have some theories about why she now has anxiety, insecurity, eating disorders, and massive body image issues.

[lokifan]

Right???

[melannen]

Forget the makeup, if your boyfriend would "resent you for tears and anxiety attacks" dtmfa.

[matsushima]

Right? Girl, you deserve better. I'm sorry you wasted your 20s with this asshole but get out.

[cereta]

I wear make-up just because I like wearing make-up, and any partner who would insist I stop doing it would be gone. Any partner who would insist I do or not do anything appearance-wise would be gone.

[conuly]

I didn't know muppets could wear makeup. Is it tricky to get off the felt? /s

[feldman]

It's mineral makeup; you take it off with a rugbeater.

[lilysea]

yes

"My skin has an allergic reaction to the ingredients of [makeup brand], would you be willing to wear [different makeup brand] instead, I'll buy it for you if it's more expensive"

would be a fair request

but no one gets to *insist* about someone's makeup choices

[sporky_rat]

I had a foundation I loved, it gave my husband awful rashes, he cheerfully threw money at the problem and now I have a foundation that smells better to me and doesn't cause rashes for him!

(Sometimes it's worth it for him to have six sisters, I swear.)

[full_metal_ox]

Forgive me for asking, but is your husband the youngest sibling?

[sporky_rat]

Nope! Third to youngest.

[julian]

DTMFA. And I say this as someone who *doesn't* wear makeup for slightly similar reasons. (It makes me feel alien to myself.)

If he can't get that it's not his right to dictate how you look and feel, well, then he ain't right for you.

[minoanmiss]

This, this, so much this.

[matsushima]

How much do you want to bet that, if he saw her during the day with no make-up, he'd be one of those guys who's like "you look tired."

[full_metal_ox]

Precisely. This is often the same sort of guy who’ll post a picture of how women look so much better au naturel—-and the makeup users in the audience could rattle off the fifteen products the model is visibly using to attain that I-was-born-flawlessly-airbrushed look.

[katiedid717]

This exactly. Although it also makes me wonder how much makeup she's using, like, is she piling on so many layers of concealer, foundation, and powder that she looks cakey? I wonder if there's a middle ground somewhere (even though the boyfriend is still an asshole for trying to control what she does with her face)

[oursin]

Probably not the same guy as the one in post to AITA who was a) complaining that LW was locking bathroom door (!!!) b) in order secretly to put on makeup before going to work?

(And all respondents said GET OUT NOW, pretty much.)

Anyway, it's the constantly nagging on about it, rather than the occasional mention of preference for no makeup, that is the issue, no?

[firecat]

I understand others will say: "It's just makeup. Ditch it for him if you really love him!"

And some others will say “It’s your body. Ditch him for trying to make you believe otherwise!”

I wonder if, once she’s free of him, she’ll also feel she has more of a choice about the makeup.

[michelel72]

Yeah, "others" should be saying, "It's just makeup. Shut the hell up about it if you really love her!"

[jack]

> He even jokingly says he will break up with me if I continue to wear it

Some problems come with a possible solution. If he says that, the response is "I'm not going to change. If you're going to break up with me, get on with it."

Either he shuts up, or he priorities the make up over you in which case he'll never be a good partner.