Sense and Sensitivty: Stepfather's Sexist Remarks Irritate Reader

[cereta]

DEAR HARRIETTE: My stepfather has been making increasingly sexist comments whenever I visit him and (mostly) my mother. Now that they have been married a few years, I believe he thinks it's acceptable to let his guard down and spew his thoughts about how “women aren't really fit for the workplace.” I know it's a bunch of malarkey, but it still angers me that my mother doesn't say anything to him. She's been working for over 30 years! Is it not my place to speak up? I feel like he says this to get a rise out of me. -- Ignoramus Stepfather, Cambridge, Massachusetts

DEAR IGNORAMUS STEPFATHER: If your mother has yet to make a statement about her husband’s behavior, chances are, she doesn’t plan to do so. That means it is time for you to learn to ignore him. If you do not react to his comments, it is likely that he will eventually make fewer of them in your presence. You may want to figure out ways to spend time with your mother outside the house. Go on mother-daughter dates where the two of you can enjoy each other without him in the room. In this way, you will be able to avoid interacting with your stepfather for the most part.

Comments

[cereta]

Yes, more Harriette. I really need to do a thorough readthrough of Prudie soon.

As a rule, I kind of hate the, "Just ignore them and they'll stop," because (a) it puts the onus on the person having unpleasant things said to them/being bullied (to give a spectrum), and (b) it almost never works. It can just as easily lead to escalation.

My advice is a lot harder, but for what it's worth:

This may depend on your relationship with your mother, and hers with him, but consider walking away, literally. Not from the whole relationship. But when he starts saying these things, get up and leave the room. Don't say anything but maybe an "excuse me," don't engage. Just leave. If he follows, then it's time to leave the house. Say good-bye to your mother, but leave. And then work on finding ways to spend time with your mother away from him if at all possible.

[jadelennox]

I would go further.

"Mother, I love you, and I've been fond of Stepdad in the past, but I can't be silent around his open misogyny. I would love to continue to see you, but I won't visit your home while he's there, unless you speak to him about it. Let's replace my visits to your home with a margarita date every weekend at Border Cafe, shall we?"

This actually can work. When I told my partner that I refused to be in a room with his dad's Fox News goading without arguing back, he talked to his dad, and his dad laid off the politics in my presence.

[the_rck]

I'm okay with parts of this advice, but the second and third sentences are BS.

I'm also wondering about other things in the situation. Is it possible that the stepfather is trying to drive the LW away? Is there a reason why visiting at home is necessary?

[taselby]

"Mother, I love you, and I love spending time with you, but Stepdad's comments to me are hurtful, and I'm not willing to tolerate them anymore. I will be delighted for us to have mother-daughter time without him, possibly a lunch at [restaurant] or shopping at [local place]. The important thing is us seeing each other. If this is something you are unwilling to consider, it will make me sad to not see you, and I will miss you, but I am unwilling to put up with Stepdad's abuse."

And agreed on the bullshit of it being LW's responsibility to put up with Sexist Asshat's behavior. She needs to establish boundaries and defend them.

[the_future_modernes]

i wish someone who launch a campaign that disproves the idea that ignoring shit stops bullying. It may work for some people but for lost more it really does not.

[minoanmiss]

... does Harriette ever give non-horrble advice?