agonyaunt | Care And Feeding: I’m the Only One Who Parents My Boyfriend’s Son

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Care And Feeding: I’m the Only One Who Parents My Boyfriend’s Son

Dear Care and Feeding:

My boyfriend and I have been living together for four years, and purchased our home together two years ago. He has a 7-year-old son, “Mikey,” whom we have a little less than half of the time. When it comes to the possibility of our own marriage and children, we have remained in a state of ambiguity, with neither of us really for or against it.

Through the process of helping to raise Mikey, I’ve begun to realize that my partner and I have some fundamental differences in regard to child rearing. He is very loving and affectionate and engaged with his son, but there is little discipline or structure unless it’s initiated by me. Sometimes I feel like I’m having to parent him while he parents Mikey. Things that might seem like common sense to most adults don’t occur to my boyfriend without my prodding: not allowing Mikey to have six hours of screen time, making sure he goes to bed on time, having him practice tying his own shoes or reading, not backing down on these things the second he has a tantrum. I recognize that Mikey is my boyfriend’s child and that he has to make the decisions about how he is parented, but I end up stuck in the middle when he doesn’t do the right thing.

At this point, I’ve realized that even if I decided I did want a baby, I don’t see us being able to function like this full time. My boyfriend is incredibly loving, normally very attentive, generous, and patient—all qualities that are important for a partner and father. But he just can’t seem to manage the more difficult parts of parenting. I want to be able to be more nurturing and fun with my stepson, but the other stuff that needs to be done won’t happen if I don’t do it—and I feel like Mikey is going to hate me if this continues.

I also manage all of the household scheduling, plan all of our trips, buy Mikey’s clothes, figure out how to make holidays special (even when Mikey is with his mom), etc. For instance, Mikey’s mom changed part of his routine for this new school year and instead of making any attempt at figuring it out on his own, my boyfriend just asked me the details and claimed he didn’t have the time to do so himself. He just expects me to handle nearly everything, which I do begrudgingly because it has to get done.

Before you ask: Yes, I’ve brought these concerns up with him, several times. In fact, we were very close to breaking up about it at one point. But I love this man with everything I have, and I know he feels the same. Is it possible for us to be great partners together but just not great parents together? I would rather be with him than be a single mother, but I feel like if we were to have another child, it would break us up.

–Raising My Man and His Kid

Dear RMMaHK,

Girl.

Girl.

Girl.

I had half a mind to reply to your email with my number so we could just talk through this mess on the phone. Alas, there may be other women out there in long-term relationships with adult-size children who could use this advice, so we’ll just do this here. First, let’s establish a few things:

1) You’re uncertain about starting a family with your boyfriend.

2) You own a home with said boyfriend, in which you are helping to raise his child approximately 50 percent of the time.

3) You perform a disproportionate number of the duties involved in raising that child, who you refer to as your “stepson.”

Honeybun, you’ve already started a family with your boyfriend. Though there isn’t a legally binding agreement in regard to your romantic partnership, you are tied to him through the ownership of the home. And given the role you have in Mikey’s life, he might be difficult to sever ties with as well … even though you don’t get to do the fun stuff and are the default authority figure in your home.

Does your boyfriend bathe Mikey and get him dressed for school? Does he prepare all his meals? Contribute extra money toward shared expenses so that you might pursue a career that you’re passionate about without worry, or lavish you with presents in gratitude for the extra work you put in on the caregiving front? Has he provided invaluable emotional support or nurtured your spirit somehow? What does he give, provide, do for you (and his son) that might deliver some semblance of equity?

Few relationships are defined by a perfect 50/50 division of labor, and as we know, most hetero partnerships find the woman providing unmatched care and effort in the home while also working outside of it. However, your particular situation has found you taking on many of the responsibilities of raising a child (who is not yet your stepson, no matter how much you love him) on behalf of a man whose child-rearing skills seem to be severely lacking.

All of this is to say that it doesn’t matter that you’d rather be with your man than be a single mother, because to some extent you’re a single mother right now. There’s a man in your bed and to hold doors for you, but he’s leaving you to do the work of parenting alone—the work of parenting his child. You ask, “Is it possible to be great partners together but not great parents together?” Sure, but you’re not great partners at this point. You are unhappily doing the work of caring for Mikey in ways that his own dad is either unwilling or incapable of doing. That is not a partnership, sis.

Both of you are somewhat ambivalent when it comes to the idea of a second child and legal marriage, but I’m curious to know if your attitude about those things predates this relationship. If having a child of your own isn’t something that you deeply desire, then so be it. There’s nothing wrong with casting that aside to be with someone with whom you don’t wish to have a baby. Are you OK with operating as you have all along, so long as a new baby isn’t thrown into the mix? Are you ambivalent about marriage because without it, you know that you can walk away at some point with relative ease?

You can discuss these issues with your man until you are blue in the face, but until there are some consequences for his shortcomings, you and I both know he won’t change. I think you should make it clear to him that you are unable to continue on this path and that you refuse to do the heavy lifting alone any longer—but I don’t know that you are at that point. Like most truly responsible adults, you can’t bear to watch what would happen if you dropped the ball and stopped keeping everything together.

What would your partner do if you weren’t doing the work of raising his son? My guess? He’d find another willing woman to do it, leaving him free to be the “fun” dad who gives piggyback rides and extra screen time. I hope I’m wrong, but it’s time for you to see just how deep his commitment to you truly goes. You say you’re madly in love with this guy, and I think it’s important that you figure out if he’s madly in love with you, too. Is he in love enough to grow up and change for you? Either let him know that you need a change to make this work, or make peace with the fact that so long as you’re willing to be the mule of the home, how it is now is exactly how it’s gonna be. Best of luck and please, I beg you, do not get pregnant until you have established some requirements of this man as a parent and seen him live up to them.

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Is it sad that my first response to this is, "Well, I suppose it's better to learn this now than after you've had a baby with him" (although not, I suspect, better for Mikey that way), and that my second response is, "Hey, this looks familiar!"

(Note: My spouse has (a) taken on a fair bit of parenting labor since I developed health problems and (b) was never quite this bad, anyway. However, the part wherein the LW seems to be doing a lot of the mental and emotional labor of parenting, particularly being the one to enforce structure and push the kid towards independence even when it would be easier to just complete the task for her...wow, that's very, very, very much still a struggle.)

There’s a man in your bed and to hold doors for you

...this line made me blink several times and go, "WTF?"

I saw that line as synecdoche. It's a poetic way of saying "you have a boyfriend but not a co-parent". Or, at least, an attempt at one.

Wow, this one is really hard. Normally I'd be massively on team DTMFA for a situation like this. LW is being exploited, and she's in a situation that is definitely not going to improve if they get married or have a baby together. She also sounds like she's very close to despising her boyfriend, and in some ways sees him as a child, (with that raising my man pseud) and that's a death knell for a relationship.

But the kid! I know, advice columnists often (correctly) tell writers not to stay in awful relationships "for the sake of the children". Children are better off if their parents divorce than if they have to grow up in an atmosphere of mutual animosity. The problem here is that if LW breaks up with BF... she has no legal rights and very little prospect of any continued relationship with Mikey, the child she's been the primary parent of for four years. C&F is right to point out that she's already made a family with BF, that she is already in some ways a single mother. But there are no good solutions here. She can't set herself and Mikey free and voluntarily become an actual single mother because that would be better than her current life. She can either stay in the horrible draining relationship or she can abandon her stepson to be raised by people who aren't fully present as parents.

It's hardly an unusual situation, women trapped into dysfunctional co-parenting without officially having custody. Not getting pregnant is good advice, but she already has a child with an unsuitable father.

I will say that there's nothing in the letter that makes me think Mikey's mother is not an engaged, organized parent when Mikey is with her, and she may honestly not know that it's LW and not the child's father who is handling the mental labor of parenting when Mikey is with them. Unless Mikey is coming back to her dirty/smelly/in the same outfit he left in/never having completed homework/seldom having eaten for the day, she really has no reason to question who is taking care of those things. But if Mikey is with them for not quite half the time, then yes, that would leave a significant gap if LW were to leave.

Yeah, fair enough. My reading that Mikey's mother was deficient came from the title I'm the only one who parents. It's possible, even likely, that the LW means she's the only one who parents out of her and BF, not the only one altogether. Because I was reading the rest of the letter based on that title, I assumed that when LW has to make Mikey's holidays special even when he's with his mom, and when Mikey's mom changed the routine and LW had to figure out all the details, it was because his mother wasn't that bothered either. But you're right, it's an equally plausible scenario that BF has two women doing the actual childrearing work while he just does the fun stuff. It's still not great that in order to end her bad relationship with BF, LW has to end her loving relationship with her stepson, but if at least he has a decent mother then it's not quite as terrible as I was reading it.

It's not obvious that Mikey's mother isn't parenting. There's only the one line about "making holiday's special (even when Mikey is with his mom)" and that could be more to do with LW's boyfriend having Expectations About What His Son Should Have At Holidays than a deficit in the other parent.

I would be building whatever bridges are possible with Mikey's mother and figuring out the financial consequences of dumping his father (they bought a house together after all).

Or, as the columnist writes "make peace with the fact that so long as you’re willing to be the mule of the home, how it is now is exactly how it’s gonna be" until Mikey doesn't need parental permission to stay in touch (he's 7, so that could be 11 years ...). And make *damn* sure of my contraception in the meantime.

"He just expects me to handle nearly everything, which I do begrudgingly because it has to get done." is something I have definitely lived with, and my 'solution' to it has been to do *only* the things that really must be done, and leave the rest for spouse to pick up. Occasionally saying explicitly "please can you do the laundry / make a meal / tidy that room so the cleaner can vacuum tomorrow".

As a friend said to me recently "I realised that if I didn't tidy up, no-one tidied. But also if I didn't tidy up, no-one died." Doing less rather than trying to do it all.

Oh, I see what you mean. I love the idea in theory of building bridges with Mikey's mother, though I imagine that would be a pretty major ask from the ex-partner. It would be good to get some direct input into how the kid's mother thinks he should be parented.

And yeah, if she decides she's in this for the long haul then prioritizing what is really essential and getting ready to leave once Mikey is old enough is probably the least bad option she has. I like C&F's response which raises the possibility that BF might step up, but acknowledges it's not really likely he'll change.

...getting ready to leave once Mikey is old enough...

Ten years is a long time for her to wipe this relationship's butt!

Dear Mikey's Dad,

I bet you remember that book, Go The Fuck To Sleep? You remember the audiobook version read by Samuel L. Jackson? Ok, you got that in your mind now? 'Cause I want you to read the rest of this letter in that tone.

Grow the fuck up.

Look, I know being a kid is fun.
And I know you might not know what to do.
You might have had parents who didn't teach you that well,
but it's time to grow the fuck up.

You like to play with your son,
and you want him to enjoy ALL THE THINGS.
But unless his parents provide structure
he won't ever grow the fuck up.

You've been freewheeling your life up to now
You've got an ex and a kid and a girlfriend
It's been thirty-plus years already!
Please, grow the fuck up.

You say when you force things he tantrums
You know that's a load of bullshit
He's seven - he'll melt down at sunsets!
He hasn't yet grown the fuck up!

So watch what your girlfriend is doing
Just, please dude, please open your eyes
It's not hard, it just takes awareness and thinking
To finally grow the fuck up.

She's parenting your little whirlwind
She's helping to manage his life
Sure, it's not always tickles and giggles
But neither is growing the fuck up.

So before you have two exes and a mess
Take some time and plan your next moves
You can step up and impress them
By finally growing the fuck up.

*wild applause* Oh wow this is awesome. And of all the times you really wish the columnist could address the LW's partner...

Yeah, I'm afraid I have little patience with other men who don't pull their weight in a relationship. But just yelling, "oh grow the fuck up already!" doesn't always go over that well, either.

*wolf whistles and cheers*

That is a glorious poem. May I put it in my poem files?

Oh, ow, sure! I’d be honored!

Mikey's parents need to revisit the custody arrangement. I really think he might benefit from staying at Mom's full-time and seeing Dad on weekends or, as he gets more into school activities and perhaps sports, every other weekend.

LW needs to step back from her life and ask where this is going. She bought a house with this large infant she is sleeping with. She needs to go to couples counseling, alone or with him, and there needs to be a come-to-Jesus moment where he commits and grows up or doesn't. (Spoiler: he won't commit and grow up.)

If she does not do this, she will carry this man and all his problems on her back all her life. I don't care how proficient he is in bed (given his selfishness elsewhere, not very), she is betting everything she has on his dick and he has nothing else to offer. LW knows all this. She wants someone else to say it so she can argue back and re-convince herself.

Word.

It super depends on jurisdiction and local culture, but I absolutely know situations where in effect, Mom and Girlfriend could agree split custody between themselves, and grant Dad visitation rights. Like, it's not 100% "relationship with the dad grants access to the child". I'd start talking to the mom, and a lawyer.

Ugh, it's so hard when a kid is basically hostage to the threat of neglect.

Here's the thing: it doesn't sound like Mikey's dad is actively abusive. There's no evidence in the letter that Mikey wouldn't be fed or clothed or loved if LW wasn't there. He would probably be *spoiled*, he might not be fed and clothed to the standard LW believes in, but that's an entirely different magnitude of problem.

I would be tempted to tell LW: you can't keep being this kid's only parent. So stop. Tell his dad that now that he's older you don't feel comfortable being the disciplinarian when you're not officially the parent, and from now on you're going to follow his lead. Help him spoil the crap out of the kid. It sounds like you all might enjoy that anyway. And I don't think Mikey will feel abandoned if he suddenly starts getting only love from you and not discipline.

Unless it really does get to the "actively abusive" stage, stick with this. Give the boyfriend advice if he asks, but don't do the work. If it does get to the "actually neglectful" stage, rather than trying to make it ok you need to make sure Mikey gets what he needs and then go to the kid's mother and tell her she needs to renegotiate the custody agreement for the kid's own safety and you'll be on her side.

And if the mom comes to you with problems she's seeing short of abuse, back her up to the BF about the changes he needs to make, but don't take responsibility for them.

This seems like really good advice, good thinking. It's a way to go on strike from being unfairly expected to shoulder all the work, but without holding the child hostage. And you're right, what the boyfriend would be doing by default is probably within the range of 'good enough' parenting.

I mean, there are plenty of divorced dads who don't manage bare minimum, and at that point, yeah, lw needs to speak up, because if she's ever not there someone needs to know.

But what we've actually got in the letter is, like, we don't agree on the screentime rules, and dad is lenient about bedtimes. If they were planning to have more kids, that would be stuff they needed to compromise on, but they're not.

Letting dad spoil him may result in a less pleasant kid to live with, but it won't ruin the kid for life, promise, and sometimes it's the only way dad will learn.

Also, this:

But I love this man with everything I have, and I know he feels the same.

"You do all the work of raising my child for four years, woman I am currently fucking and buying real estate with, I'm too busy" is not what love looks like.

It's not even that he's too busy, it's that he doesn't want to.

And, yeah, this is definitely not what love looks like.

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