Sense and Sensitivty: Strict Stepfather

[cereta]

DEAR HARRIETTE: I'm a strict father who married a woman with two daughters who do as they please. They keep their rooms clean, work and do well in school; however, I am bothered that they don't feel the need to tell me where they are going or who they are going with. This isn't how I raised my children.

I don't want to make enemies of my new daughters; I just want them to keep me in the loop regarding their whereabouts. I have heard them fighting with their mother that they don't have to report back to me because they don't use my car or money, but they live under my roof. Do they get to go wherever they want just because that's how it worked before we all moved in together? -- Not on My Watch, Belair, Maryland

DEAR NOT ON MY WATCH: Blending families has never been easy. What's most important is for you and your wife to come to an agreement on how to parent her children. While she obviously gets most of the authority, you do have the right to have some input, given that they are living with you. What you may want to do is talk to your wife -- and then the girls -- about why you want to know their whereabouts. I suspect it is for their safety and your peace of mind. You can tell them about the stories that you have heard in the news of young ladies being in peril. You can make it clear that you believe your job is to protect them. You can also let them know that informing you and their mother of where you are going is respectful and thoughtful.

Whenever I visit my mother, even though I'm a fully grown adult with a family, she wants to know where I am going. It’s knee-jerk for her, as a protective mechanism. Do your best to get your wife to agree to present to the girls that your request is both for safety and respect reasons. Have her stand with you, asking them to step in line. Otherwise, it won’t work.

Comments

[cereta]

Am I the only one who feels bad for these two girls? I doubt they got much, if any, say in whether they moved into what stepfather (apparently) sees as his house. By his own words, they are responsible kids (and based on the fact that they work and the wording of "don't use my car," would seem to barely still be kids). I don't see much in his letter that indicates he is actually concerned about their safety versus about his authority in the household. And I don't believe for a minute that there's nothing gendered about those feelings.

I dunno. On the one hand, I will certainly expect my kid to let me know where she is and who she's with at least until she's 18, but just about everything in this letter rubs me the wrong way.

[kaberett]

Yeeeeeep.

(And as someone who ended up lying to their parents a lot because of the insistence on Saying Who And Where in an abusive context... yeah, no.)

[sathari]

No, no you are not the only one feeling bad for the daughters.

Also, there is a bit of ambiguity here for me: if the girls are telling their mother, but not their apparently-more-controlling stepfather their whereabouts, then the safety issue is moot and it's just stepdaddy being a control freak.

And his snideness about "two daughters who do as they please" given that there is NOTHING in the letter that indicates that what they "please" is anything other than being basically responsible young people just gets my back up completely.

[cereta]

Yeah, I sort of wondered about them telling Mom. He doesn't say they don't tell Mom, just that they don't tell him. And the arguments aren't about them just going anywhere they want without telling anyone: they're about not telling him. I mean, I tend to take it as a given that Harriette's advice won't be great or even good, but the letter itself really set me off this time.

[sathari]

Yeah. Right there with you.

[xenacryst]

Yeah, this reads like an exasperated "whyyyy won't they let me be in control???" While I don't think it's at all unreasonable for them all to have a discussion about why step dad likes to know where they are and what they can do to address that, if anything, he doesn't seem to have much cause to be as controlling as he seems to want to be. And yeah, maybe mom saw something she wanted in a very strict new husband, but I doubt her daughters had anywhere as much say in the matter. I'd say he could definitely stand to accept the need to change on his part at least as much as he wants others to change.

[watersword]

"I don't want to make enemies of my new daughters."

That's a threat, right? Because I read that as a threat.

Buddy, you are the grownup here. If you did not have a relationship with these young women before living with them, it is on you to develop a healthy one now. And coming down heavy-handed on their freedom of movement and association is not going to persuade them to trust you and give you any information without fighting tooth and nail.

[kiezh]

Anyone who uses the "under my roof" argument (with that exact phrasing) is showing a whole pile of red flags. Along with the contemptuous tone of "do as they please" and the fact that he has no empathy whatsoever for their position, or any desire to know WHY they don't want him looking over their shoulders all the time... yeah, this is a controlling asshole looking for social approval of his controlling assholeness. Which he got. (WTF, repeating news stories about Girls In Peril is going to build relationship and trust? No it is not.)

If a parent wants to stay in touch with their teenager's life and be trusted with important things, cracking down heavily with YOU WILL TELL ME EVERYTHING is not the way to do it. The kids will lie and evade out of self-preservation, and there's a serious risk that they WON'T call when they really need help, because the parent has not demonstrated that they actually want to help rather than control. (If this guy really cared about safety - if that was his real priority - he should be telling them that wherever they go and whatever they're doing, they can call his cell phone for a pickup if they need one. He'd make himself available as backup without conditions, and earn their trust and respect by trusting and respecting them.)

This letter makes me worry about the relationship between the mom and the daughters, too. Is she going to defend them against the jerk she chose to inflict on them? Or is she going to sacrifice their trust and emotional security on the altar of her marriage? :/

[cereta]

This letter makes me worry about the relationship between the mom and the daughters, too. Is she going to defend them against the jerk she chose to inflict on them? Or is she going to sacrifice their trust and emotional security on the altar of her marriage? :/

I worry about that, too. The fact that they're arguing about it makes me think mom is taking the LW's side, which just adds to the whole feeling that the girls were dragged into a situation they have no control over, a home that their new stepfather regards as HIS domain, and in which they're expected to conform to new demands when all evidence indicates that they're basically good, sensible kids.

[sathari]

And, yet again, YES THIS.