The Ethicist: Mother Treats Stepdaughter Badly

[minoanmiss]

My mother recently remarried, and her new husband has a young daughter. My stepsister spends most of her time with her mother, but she spends some weekends and holidays with her dad and my mom. My mother was a decent parent (I’m 22), but she has always been self-involved and insensitive. Whenever I spend time with her and my stepsister, I notice my mom acting in ways that were hurtful to me as a child. I feel I have some responsibility to protect this kid, but when I broach the topic, my mother gets very upset. Should I back off and commiserate with my stepsister when she’s old enough? Or is there a way to talk about this to my mom that will let me help the child in a more immediate way? Name Withheld


Have you made it clear that what you are saying is based in your own experience? If you’ve already done so and she hasn’t changed her behavior, I’m not sure it’s worth insisting. Take consolation in the fact that your stepsister spends less time with your mother than you did (and has her own mother as well), and that you’ll be around to talk it through with her later.

Comments

[minoanmiss]

This advice seems a bit dismissive to me of behaviors which clearly took their toll on one child, now grown. What do the rest of you think?

[cereta]

Very dismissive. I'm not sure what else I would advise, but something more than this.

[the_rck]

Maybe talking to the child's mother? I remember warning my half-sister's mother, after she and my father split up, about things that were pretty certain to happen that would affect my sister (primarily that she'd adore the women he'd date, and then he'd stop seeing them very abruptly. He tended to last 5-7 years with each woman, and that's long enough to get very, very attached).

[minoanmiss]

You deserve the money that columnist got.
*beams this actual good advice to the LW*