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Dear Prudence: I Want to Take My Ex to Court for Adopting a Dog With the Same Name as Our Kid
Dear Prudence,
My ex remarried within a year of our divorce to a woman eight years younger. His new wife whelped out three babies within three years and likes to think she is an authority on my child, “Katy.” I tried to keep the peace since my ex and I share custody, but his wife keeps putting her nose into things. She will try to speak for my daughter: “Katy wants to go to the birthday party next door. Can she stay later?” “Katy told me she would like to go ice skating this weekend. Would it be OK if I bought her skates?” She texts me these inane questions all the time. Her excuse is that she doesn’t want to “overstep” and that my ex is often hard to reach at work, so it is simpler to just check in with me. I keep biting my tongue because I really can’t compete with cute little half-sisters, a private pool, and the gift-giving. My daughter loves going over to her dad’s.
Except now the woman is trying to replace my daughter with a dog. The wife’s brother got a dog named Katie and decided he couldn’t keep it. She took all the kids over to play with the dog and then told them Katie was going to be theirs. My daughter excitedly told me all this, and all I could do was ask if they were going to rename the dog. My daughter told me Katie was her name, and I corrected her: Katy was her name. I called my ex to tell him they needed to rename the dog. He told me the dog was trained to respond to Katie and didn’t see what the big deal was. I told him that his wife bringing a dog into the house with the same name as his daughter was disrespectful. He told me this wasn’t something I had a say in. I texted his wife, and she responded with “I respect you, but I stand with my husband here, and Katy was happy when she played with Katie.” I am steaming here, and I don’t know what to do. I can’t afford to go to court or counseling again. Help.
—Dog With Daughter’s Name
When you refer to a human woman giving birth as “whelp[ing] out three babies,” you have lost perspective. While I’m sure that you love your daughter very much, and I don’t want to come down too hard on you, I’m not surprised that she loves going over to her father’s house. Your tooth-grinding misery, resentment, and hostility toward others absolutely radiated off your letter. I’d want to take a break from living with you, too. The texts you describe coming from your ex-husband’s new wife sound pretty innocuous. My guess is that she asks your permission about a lot of low-level things like buying skates because you have a history of flying off the handle when she does anything on Katy’s behalf without getting your approval first.
Your ex-husband and his wife didn’t name the dog Katie on purpose to disrespect your daughter. They didn’t even name the dog! Your daughter is not confused or upset, because she’s aware that Katy is a pretty common name, and she’s not the only Katy in the world. Dogs sometimes have people’s names! I’m guessing it’s probably pretty easy based on context clues to understand which Katy/Katie someone means when they use that name.
Both your ex and his wife have been extraordinarily polite with you, and I wish you could take a step back to see how hard everyone in your life seems to be working to try to manage your constantly simmering rage. You cannot go to court to demand your ex-husband rename a dog. Please drop the subject right away. I’d suggest you apologize for making such a big deal out of this, but I’m not sure that you’re able to offer anyone a meaningful, heartfelt apology just yet. If you can’t afford counseling right now, please save up for one who specializes in anger management. In the meantime, look for a support group (either in-person or online) for women struggling with rage. Even a cheap workbook or self-help book about anger management would be a worthwhile stopgap.
And it’s so, so important that you seek help for this because it’s only going to poison your relationship with your daughter in the long run if you insist on looking for slights and disrespect where none are intended. You’re not competing with cute little kids and a swimming pool when it comes to your ex’s house. You’re competing with peace, patience, gentle speech, reasonable expectations, and a lack of tension. That doesn’t mean that your ex-husband is a saint or that you’ve never experienced suffering or been mistreated in your life. I’m not suggesting you try to emulate him in every way. But you’re carrying a much bigger burden than you need to. It will feel so good to start putting some of it down. More than just feel good, it will be good, for yourself, for your daughter, and for everyone else in your life.
https://slate.com/human-interest/2019/10/dear-prudence-ex-adopted-dog-same-name-daughter.html
My ex remarried within a year of our divorce to a woman eight years younger. His new wife whelped out three babies within three years and likes to think she is an authority on my child, “Katy.” I tried to keep the peace since my ex and I share custody, but his wife keeps putting her nose into things. She will try to speak for my daughter: “Katy wants to go to the birthday party next door. Can she stay later?” “Katy told me she would like to go ice skating this weekend. Would it be OK if I bought her skates?” She texts me these inane questions all the time. Her excuse is that she doesn’t want to “overstep” and that my ex is often hard to reach at work, so it is simpler to just check in with me. I keep biting my tongue because I really can’t compete with cute little half-sisters, a private pool, and the gift-giving. My daughter loves going over to her dad’s.
Except now the woman is trying to replace my daughter with a dog. The wife’s brother got a dog named Katie and decided he couldn’t keep it. She took all the kids over to play with the dog and then told them Katie was going to be theirs. My daughter excitedly told me all this, and all I could do was ask if they were going to rename the dog. My daughter told me Katie was her name, and I corrected her: Katy was her name. I called my ex to tell him they needed to rename the dog. He told me the dog was trained to respond to Katie and didn’t see what the big deal was. I told him that his wife bringing a dog into the house with the same name as his daughter was disrespectful. He told me this wasn’t something I had a say in. I texted his wife, and she responded with “I respect you, but I stand with my husband here, and Katy was happy when she played with Katie.” I am steaming here, and I don’t know what to do. I can’t afford to go to court or counseling again. Help.
—Dog With Daughter’s Name
When you refer to a human woman giving birth as “whelp[ing] out three babies,” you have lost perspective. While I’m sure that you love your daughter very much, and I don’t want to come down too hard on you, I’m not surprised that she loves going over to her father’s house. Your tooth-grinding misery, resentment, and hostility toward others absolutely radiated off your letter. I’d want to take a break from living with you, too. The texts you describe coming from your ex-husband’s new wife sound pretty innocuous. My guess is that she asks your permission about a lot of low-level things like buying skates because you have a history of flying off the handle when she does anything on Katy’s behalf without getting your approval first.
Your ex-husband and his wife didn’t name the dog Katie on purpose to disrespect your daughter. They didn’t even name the dog! Your daughter is not confused or upset, because she’s aware that Katy is a pretty common name, and she’s not the only Katy in the world. Dogs sometimes have people’s names! I’m guessing it’s probably pretty easy based on context clues to understand which Katy/Katie someone means when they use that name.
Both your ex and his wife have been extraordinarily polite with you, and I wish you could take a step back to see how hard everyone in your life seems to be working to try to manage your constantly simmering rage. You cannot go to court to demand your ex-husband rename a dog. Please drop the subject right away. I’d suggest you apologize for making such a big deal out of this, but I’m not sure that you’re able to offer anyone a meaningful, heartfelt apology just yet. If you can’t afford counseling right now, please save up for one who specializes in anger management. In the meantime, look for a support group (either in-person or online) for women struggling with rage. Even a cheap workbook or self-help book about anger management would be a worthwhile stopgap.
And it’s so, so important that you seek help for this because it’s only going to poison your relationship with your daughter in the long run if you insist on looking for slights and disrespect where none are intended. You’re not competing with cute little kids and a swimming pool when it comes to your ex’s house. You’re competing with peace, patience, gentle speech, reasonable expectations, and a lack of tension. That doesn’t mean that your ex-husband is a saint or that you’ve never experienced suffering or been mistreated in your life. I’m not suggesting you try to emulate him in every way. But you’re carrying a much bigger burden than you need to. It will feel so good to start putting some of it down. More than just feel good, it will be good, for yourself, for your daughter, and for everyone else in your life.
https://slate.com/human-interest/2019/10/dear-prudence-ex-adopted-dog-same-name-daughter.html
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Because, yeah, the OP is wayyyy out of line (even if she has valid reasons for resentment, she needs to be able to co-parent without constantly raging!)
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I would advise the ex-husband to aggressively pursue primary custody because...wow. WOW.
It sounds like what the LW wants is for her daughter to hate her father, stepmother, and sisters as much as LW clearly does.
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It's not a podcast this time. Here's the text, cut and paste:
Every week, Danny Ortberg and Nicole Cliffe discuss a Prudie letter. This week: the daughter and the dog.
Nicole: Oh, good lord, who cares about the dog’s name?
Danny: You referred to childbirth as WHELPING
Nicole: Katy the human doesn’t give a shit
Danny: everyone is clear on when they mean “dog Katie” and when they mean “human Katy,” this is not a problem
Nicole: Yeah, that hit me RIGHT AWAY
You are being unreasonable
Danny: I feel bad for your daughter because I feel like this isn’t the first time
you’ve tried to make her angry about something that wasn’t a problem
because you want her to be angry with you
Nicole: We have like nine dogs named Bo in family plus three humans named Bo
It’s never been an issue
Cease seeking drama
Danny: they didn’t even name the dog Katie, it showed up already with that name
Nicole: EXACTLY
Danny: renaming a dog requires a lot of dark magic and you want to save that for emergencies
Nicole: YEAH this is not a problem
You are the problem, quit it
Danny: that line about “I can’t afford to go back to court” worries me because it makes me think she…believes if she had the money, a judge might demand that her ex rename his dog
you would be laughed out of court!
Nicole: LAUGHED WITH EXTREME PREJUDICE
The idea you thought court was an OPTION
you need to take your whole life down a notch
Danny: I would advise you to start saving up for counseling because I really think you need someone who can help you gain perspective on what’s important and what’s worth getting angry about
and in the meantime maybe start taking long walks
try to journal
the level of anger here is way out of proportion
and do not refer to other people’s babies as whelps!
Nicole: Yes! You are not coping.
Danny: even if they are married to your ex-husband and you do not like them!
Nicole: It’s also great to check in before buying skates and so on!
She is trying to respect you?
Danny: oh I 100% read that as “this woman asks you everything in advance because the one time she bought your kid a sandwich without authorization you read her the riot act”
she’s DEFINITELY trying to make sure you feel involved and present when your kid is with her and making it clear she’s not trying to take over your territory or undermine your parenting
but you are bringing “late-in-life-Patricia-Highsmith” level anger to a slightly goofy name coincidence
do not end up like late-in-life Patricia Highsmith!!
Nicole: NOPE
NEVER
except snails under your boobs
That’s cool
Danny: i heard the snail thing was apparently exaggerated
you must know someone who can confirm, surely
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And woe unto someone who doesn't check for short term custody alteration because judges don't like that sort of thing. They get grumpy about that sort of shit!
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That's from the angle that this guy is dumping all the emotional labor on the women. Either everyone is taking this for granted, or the man is pushing back hard when asked to do his share: his current wife apparently prefers to call or text LW than either consult Guy on the small things or point out that "this is your daughter, and the LW is your ex, not mine, it's not my job to talk to her."
However, given the rest of this letter, I suspect that if Stepmother did start calling her husband/the girl's father instead of bothering LW, LW would complain further about being pushed out. Because this complaint doesn't even make sense: if the ex was somehow trying to replace LW's daughter with a dog, it would be easier for LW to compete with him for their child's attention.
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Hang in there, both Katies. Hang in there.
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ngl, I read the first line and went "well we all hate her, don't we? yep."
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The LW will never, ever get this and that is tragic.
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We were all just like, "to someone who didn't know us all this would seem reaaaallly sketchy..."
But really. All version of Katie/Katy/Catie are excellent names for kids and they're excellent names for dogs too! I say, go out and be-Katy the world.
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I would be lying if I said it didn't irk me a little bit, but (a) there's a difference between letting a pet keep an existing name and giving it the same name as the one your daughter uses (I'm not sure my brother entirely gets that Lucy is my legal middle, let alone that I use it as my primary name), and (b)Lucy isn't even the middle name my parents gave me. I'm pretty much still "Becky" to them.
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