Pay Dirt: My Boyfriend and I Are Buying a House Together. He Thinks Only He Should "Own" It

[cereta]

Link.

Dear Pay Dirt,

My boyfriend, who is 60 years old, and I (48) have been together for 15 years. I make low six figures, and he makes about $20,000 to $30,000 less than that. We live in his house with about 10 years left on the mortgage. We’ve talked about getting married, and he is anxious to move into a home that is more friendly to aging in place. We’ve been saving money to buy a house together, plus I have a few thousand from selling a small townhouse a few years ago.

My concern is that if we buy a house together, he’s made it clear that both of our names will be on the mortgage but it will be only his name on the house title. His philosophy is that if we’re married and he dies, I will inherit the house anyway. My concern is that if we split up (let’s be realistic here), I will be left on a mortgage that I’ve helped pay down with nothing to show for it. (This is after I’ve basically paid his $800 mortgage as “rent” since we moved in together 10 years ago. I also pay our cell phone bill and he pays all other utilities.) He says we can write up documents showing what each of us brought to the house purchase and what each of us contributes monthly, but my gut says I’m putting myself in a precarious financial situation. Am I right to be concerned, or can we put something on paper so I can protect myself whether or not we’re married?

—Paying With Nothing to Show for It

Dear Paying With Nothing to Show for It,

I’m a big “trust your gut” girl. You already feel as though you’re paying more toward your joint expenses than you should, and if I read between the lines, you seem to feel that by paying $800 in rent, you’re a mortgage meal ticket. That’s no way to feel about someone you supposedly want to marry.

I don’t understand his reasoning. If you each put down an equal amount for a down payment and contribute the same amount on the mortgage, you should share ownership of the property equally. You should own the property as joint tenants with rights of survivorship. If he puts down substantially more, and is willing to shoulder a proportionate share of the expenses, then you can own the property as tenants in common, reflecting the percentage of the total each of you has contributed. If he can’t understand and agree to this sharing of an asset, I wonder what else he isn’t getting about you and your relationship.

As for papering over the issue, sure. You can sign a partnership agreement covering the purchase of the property—and all of your other joint assets. You can dictate how much each of you should put in to cover your expenses and then divide who pays for what any number of ways: by percentage of income (you’d pay more since you earn more) or equally. But why not back that up with ownership?

Comments

[cereta]

Posted not because I think anyone is going to argue that this is a good idea, but because I'm wondering: does anyone else get the feeling that at least part of what Boyfriend sees in this relationship is someone to take care of him when he's older? I mean, no knocks on the buying a more aging-friendly home: we just did that, and we're only 55. But between this (frankly outrageous) idea, the age difference, and the amount she's already covering, I'm kind of side-eyeing Boyfriend's priorities. Again, nothing wrong with planning for when you can't take care of yourself! Unless you're doing it through manipulation and dishonesty.

[minoanmiss]

I don't see very well but I definitely see this.

[feldman]

Seems to me that's the point of making her vestment in the asset contingent staying with him in his house through the very end.

[ethelmay]

"He wants a nurse and a purse" is the formulation I recall.

[movingfinger]

That's the phrase! Thank you.

[full_metal_ox]

Update on the statistical assumptions that underlie the Nurse And A Purse setup: Betsy Arakawa, Gene Hackman, and their dog Zinna dropping like dominoes.

[movingfinger]

If her name is not on the title, she gets nothing when she divorces him for being a grasping, self-centered douche. He clearly expects this to happen. A TIC agreement or anything less than 50-50 is going to disadvantage her. Name on the title or nothing. The only exception would be if the house were placed in a trust, but there's no reason to do that when they can both put their names on the title.

Do not marry this man, LW. Do not buy a house with this man.

[conuly]

Don't date assholes, LW - and don't marry or share property with them either!

[full_metal_ox]

And seven times never conceive an oopsie change-of-life-surprise baby with them, which might still be a possibility.

[topaz_eyes]

My concern is that if we buy a house together, he’s made it clear that both of our names will be on the mortgage but it will be only his name on the house title.

Oh no, LW. If BF wants to use LW's money to buy a new home, then ownership must be joint, or no purchase at all. LW's the reason why they've been able to save; I don't think BF can afford living in his current house on his own.

you seem to feel that by paying $800 in rent, you’re a mortgage meal ticket. That’s no way to feel about someone you supposedly want to marry. Bingo. I hope LW takes this observation to heart and ends the relationship now.

[tielan]

I read the title and promptly mentally screeched OH HELL NO.

And as I read through it, I thought "oh, and honey, you're going to end up nursing him, you know."

Her name on the house is the very LEAST she should be expecting, especially considering she'll be putting in 50% to the house. Not to mention paying for his mortgage for the last ten years. (Do all the monthly bills which he apparently pays add up to $800/month? Just asking.)

[frenzy]

This is the first post in a while where I had read the subject and audibly said "OH no. no no no no."

I have a lurking suspicion this would be his second marriage and he wants to better screw over his ex if he wants to. Fuck allll that.

[matsushima]

This is after I’ve basically paid his $800 mortgage as “rent” since we moved in together 10 years ago. I also pay our cell phone bill and he pays all other utilities.
I know LW makes more than their boyfriend but even if "low six figures" means $100,000/year, Boyfriend is still making at least $70,000/year (which is more than I've ever made in my life) and this balance seems off to me…

[mrissa]

Am I missing a point at which he says WHY it should work this way? Because. Why would it work this way. Literally why.

Like...my mother is on my grandmother's accounts, and it is simplifying our lives SO MUCH as we are closing them out. And I am on my mother's accounts. Having to do title transfers and get new paperwork and all that when someone dies is a PITA; even if you are a great person with the best of motives (...zero evidence for that but even if), why would you set your partner up to have to do all that upon your death?