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agonyaunt2019-08-24 03:23 pm
minoanmiss) wrote in agonyaunt2019-08-24 03:23 pm
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Care & Feeding: My 11-Year-Old Says She’s Trans, but I Kinda Think It’s Just a Phase
Cut because it's a bit long and I didn't want to trim any of it.
Dear Care and Feeding,
Just recently, a few days after her 11th birthday, my daughter came out to her dad and me as trans. She’d like to be called by the masculine version of her name and would like for us to start using masculine pronouns. We’ve always told our children we’d be supportive of them no matter what, and we truly mean it.
However, I really don’t think she is trans. It’s not that I secretly wish she weren’t—I just think she’s possibly going through a confused/curious stage. (She just started puberty and is heading into middle school soon.) I remember that when I was young, there was a period of time that I wished I was a boy because it just seemed like boys had it easier than girls. Before she started the conversation, and even in the days after it so far, she has asked for skirts for her birthday and wanted to buy a pair of glittery flamingo earrings; she spent her birthday money on a female anime character costume—all things my mind doesn’t associate with her being trans. Would she not begin to shun the “girly” things in favor of more “boy” things if she really felt she were a boy inside and wants to be seen as such?
I want to do what’s best for my child, but I am so confused now. I have not said any of this to her because I don’t want to invalidate her feelings, but is there a conversation to be had that can possibly clarify what she’s really going through? Or is it best to keep my thoughts and feelings to myself and just follow her/his lead?
—Is She Really?
Dear ISR,
There is a conversation to be had, yes, though it may not clarify things to your satisfaction. But clarifying things for you should not be the goal of that conversation anyway; the goal of that conversation is to clarify for your child that you are present, listening, and trustworthy, so your child continues talking to you. The particular thoughts and feelings you’ve mentioned should not be shared with your child, and, yes, you should absolutely follow his lead.
But following his lead doesn’t mean you can’t ask questions. I realize that this is a confusing time for you—and it may get more confusing for some time to come—but it’s important that you think through the questions you ask your child before you ask them. There’s a world of difference between asking “What does being trans mean to you?” and “What put that idea into your head?” or “But why are you wearing a skirt, then?” Take a moment (take many moments) to reflect on how grateful you are that he’s talking to you about this. This is a gift. And even if you are full of doubts about how sincere he is or how well thought out his plan is—and are itching to point out all the reasons this does not make sense to you—do not respond to this gift by saying anything that would give him the impression that you don’t believe him. Or by telling him that he has to choose between his identity and that pair of glittery flamingo earrings.
The bottom line is that you’re not the one who gets to decide what counts as being trans, not even as the parent of a child this young. And because being trans can be more complex and nuanced than being “a boy inside,” you owe it to your child to live up to the trust he’s placing in you right now to set aside all your own notions of what gender identity “really” means. Even if your child is a boy, that doesn’t mean that skirts are now off the table for him—not in the world he’s growing up in (and thank goodness for that). As a culture, our understanding of—and language about—gender binaries is evolving rapidly, sometimes faster than anyone over 35 can keep up with.
And so you should start to do some research. The American Academy of Pediatrics has useful information, as does the American Psychological Association. And I can tell you that I’ve learned a lot from listening to the terrific podcast How to Be a Girl, in which Marlo Mack chronicles the path she and her child have taken since her 3-year-old son first announced that she was actually her daughter.
Is it possible that your child is confused? Sure. Being 11 is very confusing. Puberty is earth-shaking, and middle school is awful. Lots of things feel up for grabs at that age. But there’s a great deal of information you don’t have at this point. For all you know, he’s felt this way for a long time and only now feels emboldened to talk to you about it. It’s equally possible that this is a new idea about himself he’s trying on for size. And you may not be able to discern the difference, at least not right away. But your job now is to listen to what he is telling you and be respectful. If your child has asked you to use male pronouns, use them. Call him by the version of his name that he prefers. Listen with an open mind and heart. A child who is listened to, whose sense of self is respected, is a healthy child, trans or not.
Is he “really” trans is a question I would set aside. This moment represents a test for you, no matter how the question of gender plays out for your child over time. This is your chance to prove to him that you really are going to love and support him no matter what.
Dear Care and Feeding,
Just recently, a few days after her 11th birthday, my daughter came out to her dad and me as trans. She’d like to be called by the masculine version of her name and would like for us to start using masculine pronouns. We’ve always told our children we’d be supportive of them no matter what, and we truly mean it.
However, I really don’t think she is trans. It’s not that I secretly wish she weren’t—I just think she’s possibly going through a confused/curious stage. (She just started puberty and is heading into middle school soon.) I remember that when I was young, there was a period of time that I wished I was a boy because it just seemed like boys had it easier than girls. Before she started the conversation, and even in the days after it so far, she has asked for skirts for her birthday and wanted to buy a pair of glittery flamingo earrings; she spent her birthday money on a female anime character costume—all things my mind doesn’t associate with her being trans. Would she not begin to shun the “girly” things in favor of more “boy” things if she really felt she were a boy inside and wants to be seen as such?
I want to do what’s best for my child, but I am so confused now. I have not said any of this to her because I don’t want to invalidate her feelings, but is there a conversation to be had that can possibly clarify what she’s really going through? Or is it best to keep my thoughts and feelings to myself and just follow her/his lead?
—Is She Really?
Dear ISR,
There is a conversation to be had, yes, though it may not clarify things to your satisfaction. But clarifying things for you should not be the goal of that conversation anyway; the goal of that conversation is to clarify for your child that you are present, listening, and trustworthy, so your child continues talking to you. The particular thoughts and feelings you’ve mentioned should not be shared with your child, and, yes, you should absolutely follow his lead.
But following his lead doesn’t mean you can’t ask questions. I realize that this is a confusing time for you—and it may get more confusing for some time to come—but it’s important that you think through the questions you ask your child before you ask them. There’s a world of difference between asking “What does being trans mean to you?” and “What put that idea into your head?” or “But why are you wearing a skirt, then?” Take a moment (take many moments) to reflect on how grateful you are that he’s talking to you about this. This is a gift. And even if you are full of doubts about how sincere he is or how well thought out his plan is—and are itching to point out all the reasons this does not make sense to you—do not respond to this gift by saying anything that would give him the impression that you don’t believe him. Or by telling him that he has to choose between his identity and that pair of glittery flamingo earrings.
The bottom line is that you’re not the one who gets to decide what counts as being trans, not even as the parent of a child this young. And because being trans can be more complex and nuanced than being “a boy inside,” you owe it to your child to live up to the trust he’s placing in you right now to set aside all your own notions of what gender identity “really” means. Even if your child is a boy, that doesn’t mean that skirts are now off the table for him—not in the world he’s growing up in (and thank goodness for that). As a culture, our understanding of—and language about—gender binaries is evolving rapidly, sometimes faster than anyone over 35 can keep up with.
And so you should start to do some research. The American Academy of Pediatrics has useful information, as does the American Psychological Association. And I can tell you that I’ve learned a lot from listening to the terrific podcast How to Be a Girl, in which Marlo Mack chronicles the path she and her child have taken since her 3-year-old son first announced that she was actually her daughter.
Is it possible that your child is confused? Sure. Being 11 is very confusing. Puberty is earth-shaking, and middle school is awful. Lots of things feel up for grabs at that age. But there’s a great deal of information you don’t have at this point. For all you know, he’s felt this way for a long time and only now feels emboldened to talk to you about it. It’s equally possible that this is a new idea about himself he’s trying on for size. And you may not be able to discern the difference, at least not right away. But your job now is to listen to what he is telling you and be respectful. If your child has asked you to use male pronouns, use them. Call him by the version of his name that he prefers. Listen with an open mind and heart. A child who is listened to, whose sense of self is respected, is a healthy child, trans or not.
Is he “really” trans is a question I would set aside. This moment represents a test for you, no matter how the question of gender plays out for your child over time. This is your chance to prove to him that you really are going to love and support him no matter what.
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I really don't think an 11 year old would come out as transgender if not truly feeling that way. And hell yeah, boys can wear skirts and have flamingo earrings too.
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It should read "anyone over 35 is willing to keep up with". Age is not a reason, it's just an excuse.
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Apparently the broader family has not taken it quite so well. But I'm glad that Xave has his mum and dad and sisters on his side.
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