agonyaunt | Care and Feeding: Twins Identify As Non-Binary

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Care and Feeding: Twins Identify As Non-Binary

Thank you to the person who pointed out that I had posted this in my own journal, because ack.

https://slate.com/human-interest/2021/08/nonbinary-twins-care-and-feeding.html

Dear Care and Feeding,

I am the mother of two wonderful, passionate, rambunctious 16-year-old fraternal twins. “Delaney” was born female and “Henry” was born male, but they have always been extremely close. About a week ago, they came to us and announced that they both identify as nonbinary. The next day they went out and got matching gender-neutral haircuts. Since then they have started sharing clothes, and they both switch between more masculine and feminine clothing every day (and often within the day!). For example, Henry will come down for breakfast wearing full makeup, a bra, and a skirt, while Delaney will arrive in jeans and a black sweater. By noon they will have swapped outfits. The two of them looked extremely similar even before the matching haircuts, so as you can imagine this has caused confusion to no end in our household.

My husband thinks we should tell them to knock it off. He fully supports the LGBTQ+ community, but he feels that the twins are treating this like a joke and are playing us for fools. He’s concerned that if this continues, it could cause major problems for them at school (where they will likely be in several of the same classes). Henry and Delaney have always been silly, humor-loving pranksters. We’ve always loved their sense of humor, but I think my husband has a point that they may be taking this too far. I agree with him that the chances of both of them being nonbinary are not high, but it’s also not impossible. I don’t want to say anything that could ostracize them or invalidate their identities. What should I do?

—Who’s Who?

Dear Who’s Who,

I think your instinct is correct, though I’m not sure why you think it’s unlikely that both the twins are nonbinary. So, they’re pranksters—but do you have any evidence that they aren’t serious about how they identify? Getting a haircut, adopting a new and fluid wardrobe; these aren’t minor things without potential ramifications. Why not take them as some solid indication that the twins are in earnest about their identities?
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Even if you and your husband are not entirely convinced, I wouldn’t tell your kids you don’t believe them or discourage them from dressing how they want. If your husband is genuinely concerned about how they might be treated at school, the two of you can try to be proactive and reach out to their teachers and school administration to ensure that they are supported there as well. They are neither the first twins nor the first nonbinary kids to go to school—even if some of their teachers mix them up or aren’t sure how to react at first, they can and should make it their business to learn.

Nothing you’ve said has me convinced this is a joke, but for the sake of argument, let’s pretend for a moment that it is just a prank. What’s the actual problem with just shrugging it off or playing along for a while until they get tired of it? You lose nothing by doing so. Whereas if they’re serious and you say or do something to make them feel you don’t accept them, the potential for harm—to them, to your relationship—is great. I generally think that you should err on the side of affirming your kids, even if you have your little doubts at the moment, and doing your best to believe what they’ve told you and parent accordingly.

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I have said it before, and I will say it again: you do not "fully supports the LGBTQ+ community" if you don't support your own kid, in action if not in thought.

I like this advice, especially the cost-benefit analysis. So much of parenting comes down to, "If I do this, X negative outcome will happen, but if I do this, Y much worse negative will happen. X it is." This covers everything from believing kids about sexual abuse (a conversation I have actually had with my spouse) to having pizza for dinner three nights in a row.

..if you can't tell apart your fraternal twins after 16 years without them performing explicit gender differences, maybe that's a you problem?

+1

Surely there was something besides their haircuts that made it so you could tell them apart? If you're having that big of a problem, maybe get some cute name tags off etsy.

Why do I suspect these two have had no identity for 16 years other than "the girl one" and "the boy one".

THIS

INDEED.

The other day ~~(to comfort me after my mother trampled boundaries but that's neither here nor there)~~ the Younger Teenager quoted a bit of online witticism to me, which went along the lines of "Some parents get really upset when their kids diverge from their headcanons about them." (It was more clearly phrased, sorry). I am not known for my wisdom but it always seemed to me that childrearing is about helping a kid grow into themself, not getting mad at them for not becoming whom one envisioned they would become.

*hopes these kids meet some mentors while the LW reverses their rectocranial inversion*

This, so much this. I hear all the time about parents who have great inflexible plans for their kids - so much that it seems to be part of the Great American Dream (barf) - but I simply can't wrap my head around it. My parents didn't treat me that way, and one of the greatest joys I have with the Fanlet is watching them do their own thing*. Do I guide and suggest? Sure, but to me, living itself is an act of continual discovery, and parenting is watching that discovery happen and celebrating it. They have so much life ahead of them, so many different possibilities, and I am so excited to see who they become tomorrow and the next day and the day after that.

* I just retyped that sentence with the pronouns that they've said are perfectly comfortable for them - "she/they", and I'm trying to train my head for "they" if for no other reason than I am presenting as "they" as well. But, of course, for all their reasons, too.

"Some parents get really upset when their kids diverge from their headcanons about them."

OMG. A great deal of the difficulty in my relationship with my mother just dissolved away to nothing when I read this sentence.

my mother once said to me that parenting was like a series of small deaths, and those deaths were letting go of dreams you had about who your child was going to be, because children are their own people. so to parent the child you HAVE, you have to accept those small deaths.

it has been a useful concept for me in thinking about parenting my own kids. and i think some parents just....don't know how to do it, or even that they should.

"fully supports the LGBTQ+ community, but-"

Welp, thats all I need to read, bud.

Yeah, I think it's weird to assume they are joking but if it is a joke, no-selling it is the best option since like, it's bad and unfunny to mock being nonbinary. By taking it seriously, you're supporting your kids if they are serious (imo likely) and if they are doing it as a prank, it's good to go into it with the attitude of, "well I would never have thought you would make fun of LGBT people, that's always been off-limits in our household."

(also, I guess worth noting that play and fun are often a part of gender discovery/expression? Just not something that a lot of trans or non-binary people include their parents in. Maybe the twins trust you enough to feel they'll be taken at their word without being Super Serious All The Time About Gender?)

Seconded. Joking without serious intent about queer issues is not cool, and that should be communicated - in a respectful way. But oh hell yes, queer play has a long a glorious tradition, and there is a very large element, still, if one is queer or questioning, of trying on identities in a somewhat playful way, just to figure out what the hell you are. It's not like our culture provides any kind of guidebook, still, beyond the binary, so to some extent you have to go to the Queer Costume Barn and take out some stuff, take it to the masquerade, and see how it wears. And, shocking news, what you are today might not be what you're comfortable being next week.

I love the Queer Costume Barn analogy. That's exactly the feeling.

gender play is glorious, and punching down drag is dickish, and it makes all the difference in the world which this is.

assigning the best intent to the dad, if he thinks he has cis kids who are using trans openness to pull a twin switch in school or with their parents, that's a reasonable reason to say something. And if he feels that way, and has reason to suspect his kids would do that, he should speak up. LW doesn't think that's the case, so doesn't present any evidence of it. If dad has genuine reason to think it's happening (eg. my kids have been trolls to queer people before and not this just seems so unlike my little princess and my handsome lad), that's important. Otherwise, yeah, twin switch from genderqueer/non-binary kids sounds pretty glorious.

The important growing up conversation the LW needs to have is that pranks aren't funny, they're mean, and that Parents were wrong to let them go so long pranking.

Their gender is irrelevant to this.

I think "wear whatever you want, but no swapping outfits at school" is a reasonable rule, although LW hasn't said they've actually done this, just that she worries they will. (And if the school has a gendered dress code, then fuck that, the kids should switch outfits between every class.)

Apart from that, yeah, the parents need to be actually supportive of their kids, who seem to be exploring their gender identities with joy and gusto. Gender euphoria is good!

Who would have thought that both my sister and I would be bisexual?

The other day I had to gently remind my mother that she's three for three for bisexual kids. (I was the sibling she'd forgotten about.)

Well, the good news is, you gave your kids pretty gender neutral names so that'll be fairly convenient for everyone.

LW can put their foot down about the deliberate-twin-confusion part of switching outfits while still being supportive of their kids' gender presentation: take them shopping. I mean, do the kids even have access to both gender clothing and makeup of their own?

I agree with him that the chances of both of them being nonbinary are not high, but it’s also not impossible.

If we look at the population as a whole, sure.

If we consider that genetics or utero environment might play a part in who is likely to be LGBTQ - and who the heck knows, right? - then maybe. Add in that we know a factor in people who identify as LGBTQ is an accepting and open community, and we also know that these two kids have been raised in the same home and the same community their whole lives, and I wouldn't be so cavalier about the odds.

I think people who grew up in my generation and earlier are going to turn out to be very mistaken about the percentage of people who would pick nonbinary if given a free choice...

Based on my anecdotal observation, you may be right. I also feel the same way about left-handers.

Interesting fact: There is a small but real correlation between being transgender* and being left-handed. No, I don't know why**.

* I assume this includes nonbinary people, but I don't know for sure.
** I mean, my guess is "the brain is complex and a small change has big effects" but who knows?

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Care and Feeding: Twins Identify As Non-Binary

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