Ask a Manager: I don't want to work with my childhood bully

[minoanmiss]

1. I don’t want to work with my childhood bully

For the last several years, Company A has been recruiting me pretty hard. The salary, benefits, job description, executives, etc. are perfect, but I’ve said no at least four times now. I feel terrible, and they keep asking me what they could offer me that would make me change my mind. Company A isn’t the problem. Jane is the problem.

Over 25 years ago, Jane bullied me very badly when we were in school together. She emotionally tortured me, socially isolated me, and lashed out at anyone who was nice to me. She was excellent at recruiting people to bully me. No one in charge did anything, and I was left to defend myself.

Today, Jane is an HR executive at Company A. I haven’t seen her in over 25 years. I wouldn’t be working alongside Jane if I took the job, and I wouldn’t see her on a regular basis. But the idea of being in the same building as her or potentially bumping into her terrifies me. I wouldn’t be able to work effectively with the knowledge that she has access to my confidential personnel information or I’d have to go to her or one of her direct reports with a private matter. I’m not mad at Jane; I merely don’t want to be around her ever.

Of course people can change. But that doesn’t mean I want to work at the same place as she does, especially as she has power.

I’d like to send Jane a cordial email to let her know about these multiple offers and that, if pushed again, I’m going to tell Company A (her bosses) the truth. I want her to know that I’m not taking revenge but rather I value Company A and they deserve honesty when they keep making me offers. I don’t want Company A to think they’ve done anything wrong, but I don’t want Jane fired either. (Yes, I get that she wouldn’t be, but if I spilled the beans, my story would affect her in some way.)

Do you think this is the right path forward? Is the email a bit much? Should I avoid corresponding with Jane altogether because she may have not changed at all?


The email is too much. Revealing that Jane was a horrible person 25 years ago as a minor isn’t likely to have a significant impact on the way Company A sees her. First, because she was a kid then and second, because their own experience with her will have more weight with them than an account of what she was like two and a half decades ago from someone they don’t know well.

Also, people’s default response to someone sharing that kind of thing from so long ago is often to feel it’s overblown and/or out of line — which means that it’s likely to make the Company A more uncomfortable with you than with Jane.

But you don’t have to justify your decision not to work at Company A to the people who are trying to recruit you. And you don’t need to feel bad about saying no — people turn down offers all the time, for all sorts of reasons. You can just say that you appreciate their interest but your answer isn’t going to change for the foreseeable future. If they keep contacting you after that — after 5+ rejections — it’s actually a little weirdly pushy on their side, and it wouldn’t be unreasonable to block them if you wanted to so that this doesn’t keep coming up and over and over.

Comments

[minoanmiss]

Oh honey, don't do it. Life is not an after school special. Here are the possibilities for Jane's reaction in increasing likelihood:

1) Jane resurrects the buttons she used to push and makes you feel tiny and miserable with a few well chosen words

2) Jane responds defensively, calling you a damaged freak for taking childhood teasing so seriously

3) Jane has no idea who you are and calls you a deranged stalker.

Don't contact Jane and ESPECIALLY not to threaten her, which is what you'd be doing.

I sympathize. Childhood bullying is dismissed by so many people, quite a few of whom were probably the bullies as kids. Every time this company contacts you they drag Jane to the forefront of your mind. But you need to not look deranged, which you will if you tell the company, and you need to not get in contact with Jane.

I hope for healing for you (and I mean that completely non-dismissively)

[sporky_rat]

A polite 'No thank you, I appreciate the offers, however there are other considerations that I must keep in mind.' is perfectly valid and would let the company know it's not them!

[minoanmiss]

hee

[topaz_eyes]

My guess is that Jane is fully aware of this situation, since she's an HR executive at Company A. I'd think that a company would stop pushing after a candidate rejects their 3rd job offer. The fact that Company A continues to reach out after repeated rejections makes me think there's a non-zero chance Jane is involved in it. Bullies don't change; LW is right not to work there, because Jane is in the perfect position to harass LW.

I think LW should reply to Company A one final time, firmly but politely state their answer is final, thank them for their time and interest, and leave it at that. Block them if they continue after that, and maybe talk to an employment lawyer in case other weird things start to happen.

[laurajv]

I doubt that. Recruiters/recruitment arms of companies are usually doing things that the HR execs do not know about. It sounds like these are pushy recruiter contacts to me. If you are high enough up in a lot of fields recruiters will be all over you because while it's very easy to get junior people, it's much harder to get senior ones.