Ask a Manager: My New Coworker is My Childhood Bully

[minoanmiss]

I recently started a new job. A colleague, who has an unusual name, was a childhood playmate turned middle school of mine. Until now, I have not had contact with this individual since that time and have worked hard to sever ties with a painful past. He introduced himself and seemed friendly enough, as one does with a new coworker – no direct indication of recognition but I think my name gave him pause. Should I address it, or is it better to not bring it up if he doesn’t mention it first? (I don’t mean addressing the bullying, rather more as “are you from X town? So am I. I think we went to school together way back when.”) How do I maintain a professional working relationship with an individual who made my life hell for a number of years, but one whom I hope has matured and changed in the many years since?

This is 100% up to you and what you would feel most comfortable with. If you’d feel better acknowledging that you went to school together, your proposed wording works perfectly. If you’d really rather not address it, that’s fine too.

For what it’s worth, judging by first-person accounts of former childhood bullies and people who confronted their former bullies, it’s not uncommon for the bullies not to even remember that they were horrible to a particular person! Which seems shocking when you were treated badly, but it’s possible that this person doesn’t even remember it. It’s also possible that he remembers it and feels terrible about it, or that he remembers it and take glee in what a jerk he was, who knows. Regardless, though, I think your comfort here is what’s paramount.

As for how to have a professional working relationship with him, I think the best thing you can do is to treat him the way you would anyone you’d just met, and let him reveal through his current-day behavior what he’s like now. If you were just in a social situation with him, I’d say to feel free to be Extremely Chilly if you wanted to, but in this case your own professional interests dictate being at least neutral toward him.

Comments

[raine]

I would be super weirded out but then have a nice-but-distant-professional relationship, because that would be me.
Of course, I say that as someone who once hooked up with someone in one state while in training and, two years later, discovered he had just moved to my home state and would therefore be joining our military unit. That was awkward, but I didn't have to deal with him for more than two days out of every month.