Dear Abby: Man take mean pictures of wife

[cereta]

DEAR ABBY: I'm an older woman. My husband and I have been married eight years but were together 15 years prior to our marriage. He is a wonderful, caring man in most ways. But from time to time, he snaps extremely unflattering photos of me, sends them to everyone we know and even orders enlargements made for me.

I have a mouth condition that makes smiling painful, so unless I know a picture is being taken, I look really old and grumpy. I have asked him PLEASE not to do this because it's humiliating when he sends them out to friends and family members. I think it's unkind and disrespectful and have told him so, yet he persists.

I'm to the point that this has become a deal-breaker in our marriage, and he knows it. He claims he loves me and is proud of me. And yes, we have been to counseling about our relationship in general because of the many times he has humiliated me in public. But he won't stop. How can I handle this going forward? -- HUMILIATED AND HURTING

DEAR HUMILIATED: It appears your "wonderful, caring" husband has a mean streak. He's getting his kicks by embarrassing you. One way to handle it going forward would be to ignore him when he does it. It won't be easy, but when he realizes he can't get the desired reaction from you, he may do it less often. Another way to deal with it would be to discuss privately with a licensed therapist whether his behavior really has become a deal-breaker. The choice is yours.

Comments

[cereta]

Two reactions:

First, and the reason I posted this: can we please, please, please get over the idea that "ignoring" bullies will make them stop or even lessen their behavior? That idea is not only victim-blamy (putting the responsibility on the person being bullied to react "right"), but it's just wrong. It's been my experience that if someone's goal is to upset another person, ignoring them just makes them up their game. (And yes, that is years of my life, right there.)

Second, are the pictures the only way he's "humiliated [LW] in public"? Because that sentence makes me wonder if this isn't the most recent in a string of behaviors. If so, or even if this is only one behavior that has gone on long enough for them to have gotten counseling for it, I'd say calling it quits is the best option.

[sathari]

First, and the reason I posted this: can we please, please, please get over the idea that "ignoring" bullies will make them stop or even lessen their behavior? That idea is not only victim-blamy (putting the responsibility on the person being bullied to react "right"), but it's just wrong. It's been my experience that if someone's goal is to upset another person, ignoring them just makes them up their game. (And yes, that is years of my life, right there.)

*standing ovation* *cosigning*

[syderia]

So much this.
And the wife says they are in therapy already, so I think we're in divorce territory there. I mean, if you tell someone "if you don't stop, I'll leave" and they keep doing it, well, here's your answer.

[feast_of_regrets]

What you said. All advice columnists ought to do some reading on what works for abusive situations and what doesn't, because "ignore it" is both not solving the issue and almost openly inviting escalation. Horrible advice.

[cora]

Husband has several options here:
1 - Stop taking candid photos of his wife
2 - Get consent from his wife prior to taking photos of LW
3 - Continue to take the photos and run them past LW prior to sending them out/sharing them with others
4 - Take the photos and never share them
5 - Continue to take the photos & sharing the photos both without the wife's consent

There are 3 options in here that seem like good choices to respect his wife's wishes and/or compromise with her. There are two options that would allow him to continue to ignore his wife's request to varying degrees of how mean it comes across.

I would not recommend LW ignore the behavior. As cereta pointed out - that's both victim blaming and people intentionally bullying or intentionally going about the wrong way for connection seeking just escalate their behavior.

Instead, I would recommend LW point out the choices her husband has at his disposal and talk through which choice he wants to make. If he decides to continue with option 5, then it's likely time for couple's counseling and for LW to determine if this is genuinely deal breaking behavior. If the photos are truly as humiliating and distressing to LW as LW has indicated, it very well could be time for a divorce if (and only if) husband is adamant option #5 is the respect owed to his life partner.

[movingfinger]

Why is he described as wonderful and caring? He is neither. She is deluding herself and has been for a long time.

[sathari]

Why in the name of the dear FSM and all Their Noodly Appendages do people want to hurt, belittle, bully, and demean people they claim that they love?

And, seriously, the number of marriages I have seen in my life where the man seemed to think that his wife (and children, if any) were just basically there for him to treat with contempt, condescension, and mockery while they were expected to defer to him is just... maybe not "AOT,K", but enough that ones that don't fit that pattern stand out rather than the reverse.

[minoanmiss]

I was going to say this but your version is better. I do not get it.

[sathari]

Thanks!... except, you know, it's kind of sad that we need any versions of it.

[minoanmiss]

Word.

[topaz_eyes]

Husband knows that it is physically painful for LW to smile, and I sympathize. Taking these photos is not just "unkind and disrespectful," it's freaking torture. DTMFA, LW.

[mommy]

The disrespect the husband has for his wife is galling. The nonconsensual aspect is bad enough, but ordering enlargements and giving them to the LW just adds insult to injury. I hope that the LW gets the divorce that she needs.

[swingandswirl]

... where is the Whole Man Disposal Service when you need it?

[katiedid717]

As someone who haaaaaates having my picture taken because I don't like how I look in photos, I can really empathize with this LW. At the same time, in the past couple years, my siblings have taken pictures of me without my knowledge that I thought were extremely unflattering but that they were seeing in a different light. Like when I was making a weird face telling Niece #1 a story and she was staring at me like a baby hobbit, completely enthralled. Or when I was hunched over with multiple belly rolls bouncing Niece #3 a ride on a statue and singing the William Tell overture, and she was laughing with joy. I cringed when I saw both of these pictures, but I was the only person focusing on how I looked.

It makes me wonder if something similar is going on here - LW sees a grumpy old lady, Husband sees the person he loves reading to a grandkid, or relaxing in the sunlight, or fully enthralled in something she loves.