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This is not good advice, though it tries
Our 1st-grade son has been wanting to grow out his hair since around preschool. My partner and I have been supportive of this because we honestly don’t care what his hair looks like as long as he likes how it looks. His other parent has not enjoyed the long hair look and has been pretty vocal about it. They’ve taken him to get his hair cut a few times now, without notifying us first, twice explicitly against his will (where he told us both times he was very upset). A few weeks ago, he told me at bedtime that his other parent keeps bugging him about cutting his hair, which bothers him a lot. My partner and I reiterated to him that he gets to keep his hair however he wants because it’s his hair. It’s something all three parents had multiple conversations and agreements about.
(Our rules for keeping long hair are that he has to routinely shampoo and condition and use a wet brush in the shower to keep it tangle-free. He also understands the concept of dead-ends and knew he’d need a trim soon—which he was not very happy about until he realized it would make his hair healthier.)
Well, his other parent took him to get a haircut this week. They told us that our son said “yes” and was fine with it. It is not a trim. A lot got cut. The parent wanted it shorter but didn’t go shorter because our son didn’t want that. In the moment, we said explicitly (and calmly and kindly), “Please don’t cut his hair again without letting us know first, because the last time we spoke to him, he was really against a haircut and we would have wanted to hear it from him first.” Other parent explains that they had a very jokey, fun time about it. We asked our son how he felt about his hair, with all three of us with him, and he kind of brushed us off and said it was fine. It felt like he didn’t want to talk about it. When he got back to our house, we asked him again. We were super casual about it and said the answer didn’t really matter, we were just really curious and wanted to learn what made him change his mind about wanting a haircut. He said he didn’t really want it, but that his other parent told him, “I’m just going to keep asking you until you say yes,” (I imagine this was supposed to be a joke?), and so he said yes because he was annoyed and wanted it to stop. How would you proceed from here?
—Co-parents
Dear Co-parents,
You and your partner need to have a serious conversation with your co-parent about why they pressured your son into getting a haircut when he didn’t want one. Explain that while you understand that they may prefer his hair shorter, your son doesn’t and that he only acquiesced to make the requests stop. Let them know that they have taken away your son’s autonomy as it relates to his hair and that isn’t fair. For the three of you to successfully raise this child together, you need to be on the same page and you need to be transparent with one another; by implying that your son had a “jokey, fun time” with getting his hair cut, they were being untruthful.
Ask that in the future, they please respect your son’s wishes and allow him to grow his hair out as he sees fit. Tell them that his hair is likely central to his identity, and by pressuring him to cut it shorter than he’d like, they’ve taken away a piece of him and infringed on his bodily autonomy. As far as your son goes, explain to him that his other parent obviously has a strong preference with regard to his hair, but that he needs to try his best to stand up for himself and let them know when he doesn’t want his hair cut.
Link
(Our rules for keeping long hair are that he has to routinely shampoo and condition and use a wet brush in the shower to keep it tangle-free. He also understands the concept of dead-ends and knew he’d need a trim soon—which he was not very happy about until he realized it would make his hair healthier.)
Well, his other parent took him to get a haircut this week. They told us that our son said “yes” and was fine with it. It is not a trim. A lot got cut. The parent wanted it shorter but didn’t go shorter because our son didn’t want that. In the moment, we said explicitly (and calmly and kindly), “Please don’t cut his hair again without letting us know first, because the last time we spoke to him, he was really against a haircut and we would have wanted to hear it from him first.” Other parent explains that they had a very jokey, fun time about it. We asked our son how he felt about his hair, with all three of us with him, and he kind of brushed us off and said it was fine. It felt like he didn’t want to talk about it. When he got back to our house, we asked him again. We were super casual about it and said the answer didn’t really matter, we were just really curious and wanted to learn what made him change his mind about wanting a haircut. He said he didn’t really want it, but that his other parent told him, “I’m just going to keep asking you until you say yes,” (I imagine this was supposed to be a joke?), and so he said yes because he was annoyed and wanted it to stop. How would you proceed from here?
—Co-parents
Dear Co-parents,
You and your partner need to have a serious conversation with your co-parent about why they pressured your son into getting a haircut when he didn’t want one. Explain that while you understand that they may prefer his hair shorter, your son doesn’t and that he only acquiesced to make the requests stop. Let them know that they have taken away your son’s autonomy as it relates to his hair and that isn’t fair. For the three of you to successfully raise this child together, you need to be on the same page and you need to be transparent with one another; by implying that your son had a “jokey, fun time” with getting his hair cut, they were being untruthful.
Ask that in the future, they please respect your son’s wishes and allow him to grow his hair out as he sees fit. Tell them that his hair is likely central to his identity, and by pressuring him to cut it shorter than he’d like, they’ve taken away a piece of him and infringed on his bodily autonomy. As far as your son goes, explain to him that his other parent obviously has a strong preference with regard to his hair, but that he needs to try his best to stand up for himself and let them know when he doesn’t want his hair cut.
Link