This is not good advice, though it tries

[conuly]

Our 1st-grade son has been wanting to grow out his hair since around preschool. My partner and I have been supportive of this because we honestly don’t care what his hair looks like as long as he likes how it looks. His other parent has not enjoyed the long hair look and has been pretty vocal about it. They’ve taken him to get his hair cut a few times now, without notifying us first, twice explicitly against his will (where he told us both times he was very upset). A few weeks ago, he told me at bedtime that his other parent keeps bugging him about cutting his hair, which bothers him a lot. My partner and I reiterated to him that he gets to keep his hair however he wants because it’s his hair. It’s something all three parents had multiple conversations and agreements about.

(Our rules for keeping long hair are that he has to routinely shampoo and condition and use a wet brush in the shower to keep it tangle-free. He also understands the concept of dead-ends and knew he’d need a trim soon—which he was not very happy about until he realized it would make his hair healthier.)

Well, his other parent took him to get a haircut this week. They told us that our son said “yes” and was fine with it. It is not a trim. A lot got cut. The parent wanted it shorter but didn’t go shorter because our son didn’t want that. In the moment, we said explicitly (and calmly and kindly), “Please don’t cut his hair again without letting us know first, because the last time we spoke to him, he was really against a haircut and we would have wanted to hear it from him first.” Other parent explains that they had a very jokey, fun time about it. We asked our son how he felt about his hair, with all three of us with him, and he kind of brushed us off and said it was fine. It felt like he didn’t want to talk about it. When he got back to our house, we asked him again. We were super casual about it and said the answer didn’t really matter, we were just really curious and wanted to learn what made him change his mind about wanting a haircut. He said he didn’t really want it, but that his other parent told him, “I’m just going to keep asking you until you say yes,” (I imagine this was supposed to be a joke?), and so he said yes because he was annoyed and wanted it to stop. How would you proceed from here?

—Co-parents

Dear Co-parents,

You and your partner need to have a serious conversation with your co-parent about why they pressured your son into getting a haircut when he didn’t want one. Explain that while you understand that they may prefer his hair shorter, your son doesn’t and that he only acquiesced to make the requests stop. Let them know that they have taken away your son’s autonomy as it relates to his hair and that isn’t fair. For the three of you to successfully raise this child together, you need to be on the same page and you need to be transparent with one another; by implying that your son had a “jokey, fun time” with getting his hair cut, they were being untruthful.
Ask that in the future, they please respect your son’s wishes and allow him to grow his hair out as he sees fit. Tell them that his hair is likely central to his identity, and by pressuring him to cut it shorter than he’d like, they’ve taken away a piece of him and infringed on his bodily autonomy. As far as your son goes, explain to him that his other parent obviously has a strong preference with regard to his hair, but that he needs to try his best to stand up for himself and let them know when he doesn’t want his hair cut.

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Comments

[conuly]

Given the careful gender-neutral words regarding the adults in this story I think it's better than the usual odds that LW and/or partner are visibly and publicly LGBTQ+ in a way that Other Parent can't ignore... which is a real problem given the specific question being asked.

Here's the thing. Short of getting a restraining order, LW cannot actually forbid their son's other parent from cutting his hair. And if they did, that... might not mean much. I mean, it's a legal fiction, not a warrior drone that follows the child around. The other parent might well decide to do it anyway and dare LW to follow through with the law.

And that's assuming that LW could get such a restraining order in the first place. Sure, this behavior is problematic and possibly abusive... but it's not exactly actionable, is it? Not really the sort of thing the courts can bring themselves to care about too much... and if LW and new partner are in some LGBTQ+ relationship then even going to court can turn into a real shitshow real fast.

And if LW cannot affect Other Parent's behavior then the first grader really cannot. It is not okay to put this on him. If you tell him to "try his best to stand up for himself and let them know when he doesn’t want his hair cut" then what he's going to hear is that it's his fault if his parent goes against his wishes.

It's better to say "Look, I think this is wrong too, but I can't actually force Other Parent to stop, even though it's really bad. I'll try talking to them again, but they think they're right and I'm wrong."

[lilysea]

Altho, you could also tell the first grader

"if you throw yourself on the floor and yell and scream, the hairdresser will probably refuse to cut your hair"

sometimes, making a big scene is the only power you have

[conuly]

You're not wrong, but it's still asking a lot of a little kid.

[lilysea]

I wonder if it would be worth telling short hair parent

"by the way, if you cut kids hair against his wishes, we're buying him the longest wig that he wants, and letting him wear it everywhere" ?

[lilysea]

"Also, if he wants a Barbie doll pink wig, we'll buy him a Barbie doll pink wig. So I'd think long and hard before cutting his natural hair against his will"

[oursin]

his other parent told him, “I’m just going to keep asking you until you say yes,” (I imagine this was supposed to be a joke?)

If Other Parent actually does this I suppose there is no real possibility of pointing out to them what terribly bad behaviour it is modeling? (If joke, how funny?)

[matsushima]

Yep, the hair thing is bad enough - and it is very bad! - but modeling this behavior as something to expect from a loved one/person in position of authority (or, honestly, anyone at all!) is very very alarming.

[lokifan]

SERIOUSLY.

[minoanmiss]

This advice is as weak as the third brewing of a teabag (NO do not tell a single digit child it's their responsibility to stand up to their parent NO) but unfortunately I can't do better. Angelina Jolie couldn't keep her MIL from doing this to her kid: what hope have ordinary people?

I sincerely doubt this is the only way in which Other Parent utterly flouts Kid's bodily autonomy, wishes, and consent ("I'm going to ask till you say yes" sent a CHILL down my spine) but unfortunately this sort of bad parenting is within parameters for our culture. I wish I could think of a way short of a psychic blast to make OP stop.

[likeaduck]

Yes, CHILLS. Ugh. Okay so the answer here depends on if there's any hope of getting through to the Other Parent (ohhhhh that's what your OP stands for! my brain is so trained to Original Poster I didn't get that until now). If they are a person who, if you point out how much of a manipulation tactic and an autonomy violation and bad parenting/modeling "I'm going to keep asking until you say yes" -- will they be horrified? Will they get that that's NOT OKAY even if they dislike the long hair? Then maybe there's hope. And also, will they admit that they hate the long hair and are pushing the kid against his will? Like if they're able to interact with the reality of what's happening, if they'll admit this was pressure, maybe you can have a conversation that goes somewhere. If they're just going to keep pretending that was real consent and nodding about autonomy until you leave the room then doing whatever they want, you're right, there's no conversation to have.

[movingfinger]

If there is a formal custody arrangement, this overriding of a child's consent and of the co-parents' agreement is worth talking to their lawyer about.

If there is not a formal custody arrangement, then no longer allowing the boundary-trampling parent to take the child on solo outings might be worth considering, after a very serious conversation about body boundaries and consent. Sure, you can see kid. But not alone. Just as you'd handle it with any creepy relative you can't cut off entirely for whatever reason.

[melannen]

If they're sharing custody informally, LW should probably not attempt to unilaterally cut off the other parent's access to the child unless they want to invite legal intervention.

On the other hand, if you're sharing custody informally, LW, this is your sign that the other parent isn't respecting it and you need to get lawyers involved and have a formal agreement negotiated and signed.