agonyaunt | (no subject)

Dear Amy: Less than two weeks ago, my mother passed away after a battle with cancer. She was a wonderful mother to my sisters and me, and though my grieving began with her diagnoses, I'm devastated that she's gone.

Our father passed away four years ago, and, like my mother he was a wonderful parent.

For the past year I've been living with my boyfriend and his 93-year-old mother. We've broken up a few times over the past 20 years, and -- suffice it to say, he's been verbally and physically abusive. He is also charming, humorous, adventurous, (sometimes) kind, and is very handsome.

He has always lived with his mother, and she is often insulting, judgmental, and meddlesome.

Three years ago, my boyfriend was diagnosed with terminal prostate cancer. He's been enormously strong mentally and physically; however, with each passing month, the cancer is taking its toll.

I'm so conflicted; I want to leave this relationship, as I question why I have fallen back into its tentacles over and over again.

How do I leave this man when he's suffering from terminal cancer?

-- Conflicted

Dear Conflicted: So far, you seem to have made many important choices in a reactive way -- you've bounced in and out of this relationship with a man who has been physically and verbally abusive. His situation seems to be deteriorating, and you are thinking of bouncing.

How can you leave this man who has terminal cancer? How can a man physically abuse a woman he is supposed to love? Human beings are sometimes inhumane.

Yes, you should have left a long time ago. Now you have to behave in a way that is both humane toward him, and protective toward yourself.

Your own mother's death may have unlocked something inside you. Call it a self-protective spirit. Perhaps she worried about you as you have cycled through this abusive cycle.

You should move out. But you should also consider remaining in a friendship with this man, in order to be supportive and emotionally -- if not physically -- present.

https://www.arcamax.com/healthandspirit/lifeadvice/askamy/s-2299063?fs

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How do you leave him when he has terminal cancer? Somberly, but firmly. You don't owe anything to people who abuse you, not even friendship. Sucks for him to die alone, I guess, but he's the one who made this deathbed, now he's the one who's gotta lie in it, and if he has to do that alone and unloved, well, that's not your fault. If he wanted you to hold his hand as he died, he should've tried not abusing you.

Amy's advice being a bit subpar today, I offer instead Mantis' advice, which is to eat him and his wretched mother. Immediately.

Also, bonus comic.

Edited 2019-12-01 09:32 (UTC)

I want a Dear Mantis column right now.

Mantis is a superior advisor.

Ms Mantis is a Nirvana fan:
[EAT][HIS][CANCER][WHEN][IT][TURNS][BLACK][AND][THE][REST][OF][HIM][TOO]

How can you leave this man who has terminal cancer? How can a man physically abuse a woman he is supposed to love? Human beings are sometimes inhumane.

😱😱😱😱😱😱😱😱😱😱😱😱😱😱

Because this all comes down to man's inhumanity to man, and not domestic abusers gonna die alone.

Breaking up with someone abusive (who happens to have a terminal illness) is EXACTLY MORALLY EQUIVALENT to abusing someone! Now we know!

He's not even alone! He has his mother! Who probably can't take him to appointments, etc, but let's not act like he's being abandoned to the streets.

Oh, yes, you should definitely remain friendly with the man who abused you, because that won't end poorly at all! It's the only humane thing to do.

It's okay so long as he can't hit her, just emotionally abuse her.

Abusers definitely don't escalate when the victim leaves, and murder-suicide is never a thing.

And yet another columnist recommends that someone stay in an abusive relationship.

BTW, one thing to consider is whether Asshole Abuser #1 (boyfriend) is counting on LW to take care of Asshole Abuser #2 (the mother) after he is gone. That makes moving out and establishing some boundaries even more critical, because I guarantee there's a guilt train pulling into the station.

Oh goddess yes.

Amy, one cannot cross a chasm in two short jumps, which is exactly what your bullshit advice recommends.

LW: abusers reap the fruits of their abuse. You deserve to not be abused. Leave him. His cancer is not your fault and don't let him guilt trip you with it.

If I could tell the LW one thing, it is this:

Your boyfriend's mom could live for another 20 horrible years. RUN AWAY. WHILE YOU STILL CAN.

This is so terribly YIKES I can't even figure out which aspect is the worst.

I am so angry at this advice that I spent the last ten minutes trying to find out how to make a complaint.

Maybe I should write a letter asking for advice on what to do when an advice columnist tells women to stay in physically abusive relationship.

Did you finally get to the Reader Feedback form?

Thank you for the link. I have sent a message including the words "escalate", "murder-suicide", "domestic violence hotline", and "safety plan".