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agonyaunt2024-12-06 08:38 am
minoanmiss) wrote in agonyaunt2024-12-06 08:38 am
Entry tags:
Dear Prudence: My Ex Is Dying...
...I Want to Take Care of Her During Her Final Days. My Fiancée Says Absolutely Not.
Dear Prudence,
After graduate school, I had a serious girlfriend, “Sasha.” We were very much in love, super compatible, and lived together for a few years, but I wanted kids and she didn’t. The relationship was so good that we stayed together for five years trying to change our own minds on the subject but at the end of the day, we split up. It was heartbreaking for us both but because of the reason or the breakup, we were able to stay friends. We kept in touch, checked in at holidays, major life events, etc. We gave each other advice (not on dating!) and had drinks every so often. We even reconnected intimately and tried to give it another go a couple of years after the split but the kids thing was still too big an issue.
Anyway, a couple of years ago, I moved across the country from our hometown and met my now fiancée, “Kelly.” My contact with Sasha naturally kind of tapered off to just birthdays and the like. Kelly is amazing. Now I just learned from Sasha’s best friend that Sasha has stage 4 cancer. The friend was in my new town and ended up spilling this over drinks. Sasha has no family so her friends have really stepped up to take her to appointments, cook for her, etc. Best Friend was explaining that they’re happy to do it but it’s really hard because they almost all have young kids and work. And Sasha is super reluctant to be a burden so Best Friend is worried things are falling through the cracks.
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Here’s the thing: The nature of my job and my finances means I can work from anywhere. I’d really like to (with Sasha’s permission of course, which Best Friend was also positive she would give) return to our hometown and help. I could take up the burden of the appointments, the cooking and shopping. I know it would be a huge help to her friends, and I still care a lot about Sasha.
Kelly, my fiancée, said absolutely not. I explained I could afford to rent a small place near Sasha and fly home to Kelly for at least a week a month but that this was something I really wanted to do. It wouldn’t be forever. I hate to be blunt but it’s unlikely she will go into remission. I have explained over and over that I love Kelly and I’m not trying to rekindle a romance with an ex who is battling cancer! I just feel that I have the time and resources to help someone who meant a lot to me. Kelly thinks it’s too much and that I’m choosing Sasha over her. We keep going around in circles and I feel like time is slipping by. I haven’t even mentioned this all to Sasha because I don’t want to offer to come if Kelly isn’t going to be supportive. But I’m growing frustrated with Kelly and vice versa. I love her and I don’t want to lose her but I also really want to be there for Sasha. What do I do?
—Not a Walk to Remember
This may not be A Walk to Remember, but you and Sasha are certainly giving Nicholas Sparks a run for his money. I don’t say this to indicate that you belong together or that this is fate or anything of the sort, but I can see how it seems that way for Kelly. As I read your question, I felt for all parties involved. If we’re being as unemotional as possible (ha! A tall order), it is an unimaginable gift for you to be with Sasha in what are most likely her final months of life, simply to provide caregiving for a former love. I can understand why you feel compelled to do so, especially knowing she doesn’t have anyone else. But this will create an issue in your current relationship. I don’t agree with Kelly’s perception that choosing to care for Sasha means you want to be with her romantically, but I understand why it would be difficult for her to believe that is true.
This is complicated, and I wish I could offer you a clear option forward, but this situation can illuminate many truths for you. I think your way forward is to ask yourself a series of questions and mull over your answers. You love Kelly, and you don’t want to lose her, so you have to ask yourself: Are you willing to risk your relationship? And if you don’t go to Sasha, how will that change your perception of Kelly and your feelings about her? Who do you want to be for Sasha? Who do you want to be for Kelly? But most importantly, who do you want to be at this current moment? Can you live with being whoever you become after you’ve made your choice?
Dear Prudence,
After graduate school, I had a serious girlfriend, “Sasha.” We were very much in love, super compatible, and lived together for a few years, but I wanted kids and she didn’t. The relationship was so good that we stayed together for five years trying to change our own minds on the subject but at the end of the day, we split up. It was heartbreaking for us both but because of the reason or the breakup, we were able to stay friends. We kept in touch, checked in at holidays, major life events, etc. We gave each other advice (not on dating!) and had drinks every so often. We even reconnected intimately and tried to give it another go a couple of years after the split but the kids thing was still too big an issue.
Anyway, a couple of years ago, I moved across the country from our hometown and met my now fiancée, “Kelly.” My contact with Sasha naturally kind of tapered off to just birthdays and the like. Kelly is amazing. Now I just learned from Sasha’s best friend that Sasha has stage 4 cancer. The friend was in my new town and ended up spilling this over drinks. Sasha has no family so her friends have really stepped up to take her to appointments, cook for her, etc. Best Friend was explaining that they’re happy to do it but it’s really hard because they almost all have young kids and work. And Sasha is super reluctant to be a burden so Best Friend is worried things are falling through the cracks.
Advertisement
Here’s the thing: The nature of my job and my finances means I can work from anywhere. I’d really like to (with Sasha’s permission of course, which Best Friend was also positive she would give) return to our hometown and help. I could take up the burden of the appointments, the cooking and shopping. I know it would be a huge help to her friends, and I still care a lot about Sasha.
Kelly, my fiancée, said absolutely not. I explained I could afford to rent a small place near Sasha and fly home to Kelly for at least a week a month but that this was something I really wanted to do. It wouldn’t be forever. I hate to be blunt but it’s unlikely she will go into remission. I have explained over and over that I love Kelly and I’m not trying to rekindle a romance with an ex who is battling cancer! I just feel that I have the time and resources to help someone who meant a lot to me. Kelly thinks it’s too much and that I’m choosing Sasha over her. We keep going around in circles and I feel like time is slipping by. I haven’t even mentioned this all to Sasha because I don’t want to offer to come if Kelly isn’t going to be supportive. But I’m growing frustrated with Kelly and vice versa. I love her and I don’t want to lose her but I also really want to be there for Sasha. What do I do?
—Not a Walk to Remember
This may not be A Walk to Remember, but you and Sasha are certainly giving Nicholas Sparks a run for his money. I don’t say this to indicate that you belong together or that this is fate or anything of the sort, but I can see how it seems that way for Kelly. As I read your question, I felt for all parties involved. If we’re being as unemotional as possible (ha! A tall order), it is an unimaginable gift for you to be with Sasha in what are most likely her final months of life, simply to provide caregiving for a former love. I can understand why you feel compelled to do so, especially knowing she doesn’t have anyone else. But this will create an issue in your current relationship. I don’t agree with Kelly’s perception that choosing to care for Sasha means you want to be with her romantically, but I understand why it would be difficult for her to believe that is true.
This is complicated, and I wish I could offer you a clear option forward, but this situation can illuminate many truths for you. I think your way forward is to ask yourself a series of questions and mull over your answers. You love Kelly, and you don’t want to lose her, so you have to ask yourself: Are you willing to risk your relationship? And if you don’t go to Sasha, how will that change your perception of Kelly and your feelings about her? Who do you want to be for Sasha? Who do you want to be for Kelly? But most importantly, who do you want to be at this current moment? Can you live with being whoever you become after you’ve made your choice?