agonyaunt | (no subject)

[I think the answer could also have pointed out that grimacing, like the sympathy sorry, is a way of acknowledging that the situation isn't good. It's a normal response!]

Dear Amy: My father is on the far side of a debilitating and eventually terminal neurological disorder. He’s not able to dress himself anymore, his language is mostly gone, and it’s generally sad and depressing all around. My mother is his full-time caregiver, and my siblings and I all live in different states.

I am often asked by friends, extended family, co-workers etc., “How’s your dad doing?” or, “How are your parents?,” especially after I return from a visit home. After years of trying to spin things more positively than truthfully, I’ve been defaulting lately to, “Not good” or “He’s worse; he’ll never be better.” These responses typically make people grimace or apologize. I certainly don’t intend to bring on this response.

My question to you: Is there a better way to answer this question honestly without being a real Debbie Downer? The people asking already know about his condition, so they aren’t expecting sunshine and rainbows, but I know that just because I’ve fully accepted how bad things are doesn’t mean other people want an honest answer from me.

Follow up question: When people apologize regarding his condition, how am I supposed to respond? I usually shrug and say that I’m at peace with the situation, but again, this seems needlessly awkward and often makes me feel (and probably appear) callous.

— Depressing (but not depressed!) Daughter

Daughter: I’m so sorry you are going through this. Do you perceive that statement as an apology? Because it is not. In this context, “I’m sorry” is an expression of commiseration and empathy. Your friends are saying “I’m sorry this is happening.” Because they are. (Occasionally, people delivering tough personal news respond to an “I’m sorry” response by saying, “Why? It’s not your fault,” and this is a dismissive response to a person who is trying to be kind.)

Does telling the truth about your father’s condition make you a “Debbie Downer?” No. “Woe is me, I don’t deserve this, every visit home is a depressing nightmare for me and nobody is stepping up to help” is how Debbie would spin her tale.

You suppose that your local friends and extended family members “don’t want” an honest answer to their polite queries, but I think they do want your honesty, even if the unvarnished truth makes them feel inadequate in the moment. You can encourage further communication (if that’s what you want), not by shrugging, but by saying, “Thank you so much for always asking about my folks. I really appreciate it, even when the news isn’t good.”

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I have taken to saying "my sympathies" instead of "I'm sorry" because of this. Or the full sentence "I'm sorry to hear that."

I know, I need to stop too. I've always thought it was weird when I say "I'm sorry" about something that couldn't possibly be my fault (like "I'm having menstrual cramps"), and I get told, "Don't apologize, it's not your fault!"

I...know that?

"Don't apologize, it's not your fault!"

THAT'S WHAT YOU THINK, RANDOM PERSON! *evil cackle*

ahahahha

German has different responses for "I'm sorry [for this mistake]" and "this makes me sad" (es tut mir Leid) and I really wish English did too.

I picked up the advice to always try to default in work contexts to "Thank you" when your instinct is "I'm sorry" and that works for this too - "Thank you for sharing. That must be really tough for you."

I thought this answer was okay right up until the final line, where Amy tells LW to lie outright. WTF? Clearly LW does NOT feel grateful for being asked these repetitive questions with their miserable answers. LW does not appreciate having to deliver the same bad news over and over and over again! Scripts for redirecting the conversation to something less awkward and unpleasant would be more useful.

Edited (argh I cannot type tonight) 2024-02-14 02:57 (UTC)

"As well as can be expected" is also a great phrase.

I think this question and answer underscores how our culture is just entirely unequipped to deal with grief. There is literally no good way to have this conversation, only various levels of awkwardness. LW doesn't want to be a downer! She doesn't want to appear callous! She doesn't know how to respond to sympathy! LW, your father is literally dying, it isn't your job to smooth things over or make people who are not you feel okay. Be honest, accept the sympathy. "I've made my peace with it" is a totally normal response when you have a parent suffering from a slow terminal illness.

Other things you can say:

Thank you. [change of subject]

I appreciate it. How is [important person or thing]?

*sad smile, acknowledging nod*

It's hard. Can we talk about something else?

You are absolutely entitled to pay as much attention to their response as you feel up to before changing the subject, which will also let people know that you DON'T feel up to discussing it further and you WANT to be distracted by happier things. Right there, in that moment, YOU are the center of the "support in, dump out" concentric rings, and you get to decide what kind of support you want to get and you DON'T have to worry about what they will do with the unpleasant news. They get to take it to the next ring out and get their own support, if they need it.

It sucks and I'm sorry you're going through this.

Seriously, the fact that their response is not, "YIPPEEEE! That's the best news I've heard all day!!!" does not mean that LW did one single solitary thing wrong. "If they offer me sympathy or make a sad face, they must not have wanted an honest answer": oh LW no, that is not true.

I'm pretty sure that the reason we have facial expressions at all is to help with emotional connections. When you say "Things are shitty right now, and will continue to be shitty as my father continues to die" it's perfectly normal and not self-absorbed at all to make a sympathetic "wow, that's shitty" face.

I think LW needed that more clearly spelled out.

I really wish we could normalize the Vulcan response to bad news of "I grieve with thee." I say that to family members sometimes, because it's just so easy and encompassing.

(Idk about the other stuff. When I have bad news, I expect people to grimace or make a face, and I take that as sympathetic and caring.)