Dear Amy: Stepparent wants to give adult daughter the boot

[amadi]

Dear Amy: My wife's daughter (age 26) has lived with us for the past five years. She pays rent of $400, including everything. Her boyfriend of three years also lives with his parents, but he pays them no rent. They party every weekend, and then she stays the weekend at her boyfriend's parents house.

I added tougher rules at our house in hopes they would get a place of their own. It hasn't happened. We don't allow him to spend the night here and we insist that when we go to bed, he must go home. He bought her a "promise ring," I believe to keep her from nagging about their next step.

I love my stepdaughter, but as a parent I feel we need to give her a bigger push to move out and become self-sufficient. She talks about staying here until her school loan is paid off, but at the rate she's paying, it would be a decade before that happens.

I seriously believe her boyfriend has no intention of ever moving from his parents' house. It seems so strange to me that they don't seem to want a place of their own. I try and encourage our daughter to save money so that they could buy a house, but each time I bring it up, she gets defensive.

Any suggestions?

— Frustrated in Portland, OR

Dear Frustrated: The last thing you should do is encourage your stepdaughter to cohabit with her boyfriend. Nor should you point her/them toward buying a house. Her boyfriend sounds completely dependent on his parents, and you can assume that he will remain so.

These two are not candidates for cohabitation or homeownership.

The way to put the squeeze on your renter is to gradually increase her rent until she is paying roughly market value. Then it will be obvious that she can afford to live elsewhere. You can discuss this with her as a family, helping her to set goals and a timeline, and then you should start the clock running. Depending on where you live, she might be able to afford to rent a room in a group house. This would be a good option for her; it would get her further out in the world and might provide an incentive to work more, party less and get on with her (own) life. I assume she would prefer this to you and her mother controlling her romantic choices in your home.

Comments

[azurelunatic]

I find it interesting that he doesn't mention what she's actually making.

My bff discovered that with what he was making, he could pay off school loans and pay market rate rent, but couldn't actually eat or pay other bills.

[shreena]

This is true. But I don't think the LW is unreasonable in wanting to see some kind of plan. Right now, it's been 5 years and the step-daughter doesn't have a plan for moving out, she seems to want to live there indefinitely and I think the LW has every right not to be very keen on sharing a house with her forever.

[amadi]

Maybe this is cultural on my part, but for me this is the problem. He wants her out, and has some very irrational ideas on how to get her out (moving in with apparently aimless partier boyfriend) but he doesn't seem to have a reason for wanting her out. If she were a drain on the household, you'd think he would've made that more clear, but it seems he subscribes to some notion that age or educational attainment are reasons to no longer live with family, which just isn't true in the new economy.

[shreena]

See, I don't think he really needs a reason - I think lots of people don't want to share a house with other adults. I don't think anyone would think that she needed a reason beyond "I want to live by myself/with my boyfriend" so why does he need a reason behind "I would prefer to live by myself with my wife"?

As I said, I got the impression that it wasn't so much that he had an issue living with her right now as that she seemed to have no plans at all ever to leave and living with her permanently wasn't something he wanted to do. I don't know that many parents who would be keen on that - setting aside the step-parent thing.

[recessional]

Okay so first thing: what does his wife think about this? The girl's actual mother?

He talks about "we" but only when talking about adding tougher rules or trying to get her to move out, everything else is "I". I am also a little head-tilty at his being so specific about "my wife's daughter" at the beginning and then "our daughter" later on.

That combined with the fact that he does not seem to be able to just say "okay honey time to move out" suggests to me pretty strongly that he and his wife are not in accord about this, which seems an Issue.

[kaberett]

Modulated through "my stepdaughter" in the middle, even.

[recessional]

Yeeeeah, like.

My gut-vibe is "YOU want her to leave, but her mother is totally happy with things as they are and you know any outright argument is going to end up with you losing and probably looking bad to boot and so are seeking stealth ways/backup from the advice columnist."

Now I could totally be wrong and the word-switches are legit meaningless and he and his wife are totally in accord? But just, that's my very first question: okay where's your wife on this? Because that's really important.

[ellen_fremedon]

I also wonder how long LW and his wife have been married? I have a lot more sympathy for his frustration if the stepdaughter is basically a surprise adult roommate he wasn't expecting to have for this long.

[recessional]

Yeah. Which sort of ties into my "well is this Your Wife's Daughter or Your Stepdaughter or Your Daughter-daughter?" He uses all three words but they all mean or at least imply something really different, you know?

And obviously this is the kind of thing that always winds up being a question in agony-aunt type situations, but it just means that even as an advisor based just on this I'd still be going "okay what does your wife think? First step: you two get on the same page about all this."

[jadelennox]

Your first two paragraphs were exactly my thought process as well.

[ambyr]

The jump from "live with parents" and "buy a house with boyfriend" here baffles me. Like. The letter writer has not considered ANY in-between options? So. Weird.

[rymenhild]

What kind of income is she making? What's the cost of living in the region? Has the letter-writer thought about how much more expensive rent and college loans are in comparison to entry-level wages than they were in letter-writer's young adulthood? It may be a really stupid idea to get out and rent their own place right now.

[xenacryst]

I also sense an attitude of "she has a loser boyfriend" and getting some very mixed signals about that - BF is clearly no good for her, but they should move in together (away from their parents). Maybe if they moved in together he'd suddenly prove his worth? (And, nb, this is my read of LW's opinion, not my opinion, because there's nothing in the letter on which to base an opinion, other than a promise ring, no rent to parents, and partying every weekend (with the insinuation that they're sexing it up contrary to his wishes, which bring up a whole nother ball of wax).)

I kinda want to shake every LW in these things and ask them, "WHAT ARE YOU NOT TELLING US?" Because these things always have such conspicuous information holes, and it's hard to try to figure out what goes into them.

[recessional]

That's a part of what plays into my vibe of "you and your wife do not agree on this, do you" - like it seems like for some reason "dear stepdaughter: it's time for you to move out" is just a total non-option, right up to "here I'll offer you financial help with a house if you move out!" kind of wobbling*. So that "it's time for you to embark on Next Step Of Standard Life and move in together" becomes a lever for getting her to leave because he CAN'T just get her to leave period, even if he doesn't think BF is worth anything.

It just really seems like for some reason he not only doesn't WANT to, but actually CAN'T kick her out.


*no judgement on how realistic his idea of "help" is - just that he's doing that rather than going "ok you need to be looking for a new place."

Reality Check

[alatefeline]

Market value is quite likely unaffordable for someone with an entry level job and loan payments in Portland, Oregon, which has one of the biggest crunches on affordable housing in the nation. The writer may need to reassess whether teaching a young adult stepdaughter to be "independent" is worth potentially pushing her into decades of poverty. Independent living is a cultural value of middle-class white America, not a universal truth. While not living under the same roof as the stepdaughter might be good for the writer, it may well be better for the young woman than the alternative. So all parties need to take a look at what they really want to achieve, what they will settle for, and what they are or are not willing to draw the line despite the wants/needs of people they consider family.