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Dear Amy: My MiL Misuses a Handicapped Parking Permit
Dear Amy: My beloved father-in-law passed away a few months ago. Before he died, he was bedridden for several years. He received a handicap parking permit. During the years of his sickness, mom proudly displayed it whenever she parked, even though dad was not with her.
Now that he has died, she still uses it everywhere she goes, even though she is very healthy and walks 2 miles every day.
Recently, my wife and I took her out to dinner. I was very embarrassed when she pulled the permit out and told me to park in the handicap space. I offered to drop her off at the door and park in a normal spot. She would have none of it.
To avoid an argument, I parked in a handicap space. Afterward, I vowed not to do that again because it is illegal and wrong. My wife thinks that I am overreacting. She wants to appease her mother and believes the permit reminds her of dad. Please help.
— In a Quandary
Dear Quandary: A parking permit is a strange totem to attach emotional meaning to. Perhaps you should simply assume that your mother-in-law is attached to the convenience of illegally using a handicap permit.
When you are transporting people in your own car, you get to say how and where you will park. Your offer to drop off your mother-in-law at the entrance was the appropriate gesture to make. Your wife could have easily walked with her to the restaurant entrance and waited inside while you parked in a regular spot.
Because you know it was wrong of you to park in the handicap spot, you might have made your point clearly if you had told the group before the meal: "I feel terrible about taking up that spot while we are sitting here eating. I'm going to move the car now. When we leave, I'll retrieve it and pick you up at the entrance, if you don't want to walk."
Now that he has died, she still uses it everywhere she goes, even though she is very healthy and walks 2 miles every day.
Recently, my wife and I took her out to dinner. I was very embarrassed when she pulled the permit out and told me to park in the handicap space. I offered to drop her off at the door and park in a normal spot. She would have none of it.
To avoid an argument, I parked in a handicap space. Afterward, I vowed not to do that again because it is illegal and wrong. My wife thinks that I am overreacting. She wants to appease her mother and believes the permit reminds her of dad. Please help.
— In a Quandary
Dear Quandary: A parking permit is a strange totem to attach emotional meaning to. Perhaps you should simply assume that your mother-in-law is attached to the convenience of illegally using a handicap permit.
When you are transporting people in your own car, you get to say how and where you will park. Your offer to drop off your mother-in-law at the entrance was the appropriate gesture to make. Your wife could have easily walked with her to the restaurant entrance and waited inside while you parked in a regular spot.
Because you know it was wrong of you to park in the handicap spot, you might have made your point clearly if you had told the group before the meal: "I feel terrible about taking up that spot while we are sitting here eating. I'm going to move the car now. When we leave, I'll retrieve it and pick you up at the entrance, if you don't want to walk."
Pet Peeve Alert!
Thank you for fostering the attitudes that get me dirty looks, sarcastic comments/questions, and even allegations that I am using my "grandma's" permit, when I use my own, often needed, thank you, parking permit. Find something to remind you of your husband that doesn't (a) break the law and (b) greatly inconvenience other people.
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In some states, getting caught doing that can include a hefty fine or prison time. And it should.
My dad used to use my sister's, not to park at handicap spaces, but because he knew he wouldn't get a ticket if her overstayed the meter at a metered space. I still yelled at him every time, because if he got caught she'd have lost her placard. That argument wouldn't work with the LW's m-i-l, alas. The problem is that it's easy for an outsider to say the LW should say "M-I-L, you may do what you like in your car, but I only park legally. I will drop you at the restaurant door." In real life, that's very difficult for most people to say.
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Yep. The LW already knew that parking in the handicap spot was wrong. He asked for validation, which Amy rightly gave, but the real issue is that the MIL is demanding, perhaps controlling and/or bullying, and the LW doesn't feel comfortable standing up to her. Even without the issue of the handicap permit, it's kind of weird for a passenger who doesn't have accessibility needs to insist on a particular parking spot.
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