Actually, I'm going 'Lose the housemate'

[oursin]

You be the judge: my housemate always loses our keys. Should he pay for a smart lock?

The prosecution: Mark Rami has offered to go halves on an electronic key fob – but he should pay for it all.
Rami is a good mate. We met at uni and he moved in to my place eight months ago when I had to remortgage my house and found the cost had gone up exponentially. I have a three-bed and am recently single, while Rami needed to find a new place after his old landlord sold up, so it made sense for both of us.

We’re both 32 and like living together as we’ve got similar interests: kickboxing, going to the gym, cooking. We’re both pretty tidy, although I’m definitely less laid-back. Rami misplaces things – in particular, our house keys. I can’t tell you the number of times he has lost them. It’s ridiculous.

He’s lost them on nights out, or just coming back from work. One time he left a set on the train. The first couple of times I gave him spares and didn’t ask him to pay for a new set because I had loads, but after that I would say: “Mate, this is on you.” He told me it’s because his old house had a smart lock, where you key in a code. And when he lived with his parents, they had a key box. He says he’s just not used to carrying around keys.

As a compromise, I installed a key box outside the house, concealed in a little pouch by the front window. You put a code in to unlock the box and get the keys out. At first, I didn’t like the idea of having the keys right next to the front door, and wondered if people would be able to smash the box open, but I got used to it.

But then Rami wouldn’t put the keys back into the box. He’d take them straight into the house. A couple of times when I came home, I couldn’t get in. I’d have to call him to open the door. One time he went out to meet a friend, and took the keys with him, so he locked me out completely.

Rami needs to respect the key box. Now I’ve taken to carrying my own set of keys, which defeats the purpose. He has suggested getting an electronic key fob for our door. I’m not a huge fan of this idea – I don’t like how it looks and it’s expensive. Rami said he would pay half, but seeing as he’s the one who keeps losing keys, I don’t think I should have to pay for it at all.

The defence: Rami I know I’m bad with keys but why should I pay the full price when I won’t be living with Mark for ever

I’m not great with keys. At the previous two houses I lived in, I didn’t need to carry them around, so I’m not used to them. That’s my excuse.

My ex said I have a brain like a sieve as I lose a lot of stuff, not just keys. I’ve lost my work phone this year and left my gym kit on the train. But I do have my head screwed on in most other areas. I cook for Mark whenever I can and I’m a very considerate housemate.

I think I keep losing the keys because I was promoted recently. I’m in a quite high-pressure media job … although, to be honest, I wasn’t working in that role when I started losing them. Mark was quite understanding about it the first few times but then I continued to lose them and he lost patience. He said, “What’s going on with you?”, and I told him that I was under a lot of stress.

Then, to make things easier, I paid for a key box to put on our porch. It meant we could just leave a set in the box as we came and went, so I didn’t have to take the keys out with me every time I left the house.

It worked quite well for a while, but then I would forget to put the keys back inside it. Mark got locked out a couple of times because he was expecting the keys to be in the box. Once, when I arrived back to let him in, he called me a “muppet” and I had to apologise. That wasn’t my finest hour.

My latest suggestion is to get an electronic fob that works with a passcode. That’s what my old landlord had in his house, and it requires the least amount of brain power: all you need to do is memorise a code. Mark isn’t keen – he thinks it will ruin his Victorian front door and it’s expensive (about £150).

I have offered to pay for half of this – it’s Mark’s flat, and I won’t live here for ever – but he got annoyed and said I should pay for the whole thing. But the fob will benefit both of us as neither of us will need to worry about keys or boxes, so I think it’s the fairest way of doing things. Failing that, I can try to be less forgetful when using the key box.

The jury of Guardian readers:
Should Rami have to pay the full cost of the smart lock?

Mark has already tried to accommodate Rami by installing a keybox, and that’s not worked out. Though Rami should pay for the electronic lock, it also seems that Mark doesn’t really want it. Maybe they should continue their current set-up: with Rami using the key box, and Mark taking a key out with him.
Rebecca, 30

Mark shouldn’t have to pay half the cost to solve a problem that is 100% Rami’s making. Rami should pay for the locks – and also offer to pay to have them removed when he moves out, as Mark clearly doesn’t want them!
Ian, 44

It’s Mark’s house and he will still be benefitting from the convenience of the electronic lock long after Remi has moved out, so of course he should pay half. Remi is not guilty.
Cyrille, 59

As it’s Mark’s house, I think it’s up to him whether he installs an electronic key fob. However, as he and Rami are good friends and it seems Rami can’t help himself, it would be kind to go halves on the cost of installing one.
Isabella, 27

If the electronic key fob looks ugly to Mark there’s no way he should have one installed, let alone pay for half of it. Rami needs to join the rest of humanity and learn not to lose his keys.
Derek, 49

Comments

[conuly]

Rami needs to figure out what the root is of his losing things and work out some tricks to avoid doing this in the future. This may involve medication if the root cause is ADHD.

[katiedid717]

Look, I know that I'm bordering on old fart territory, but how the hell did this guy reach adulthood without being able to manage having a key? I get that he didn't need one at his last two residences, but he's in his 30s - surely he had a house key at some point in his teens! The homeowner has already tried making accommodations for his roommate's/tenant's irresponsibility and they haven't worked; it's time for Rami to suffer the consequences of being locked out and needing to wait for Mark to get home to let him in. A couple hours stuck on the porch on a cold day might teach him a lesson. Jesus Christ.

[conuly]

Well, tbh, I know plenty of people in my neighborhood - in NYC, not some boonies area! - who pretty much don't lock the door, or only if they plan to be gone a while and nobody else will be home. They don't habitually bring their keys with them, I don't think, because they don't expect to need to.

[minoanmiss]

I would put $5 on someone babying Rami, and $10 on undiagnosed ADHD or executive function issues.

And my whole savings account towards buying Mark all he can drink for not having wrung Rami's neck already.

[ethelmay]

I know people with ADHD who lose things that much (or did well into their twenties), but mostly they aren't jerks about it.

[petrea_mitchell]

Hard agree that Rami needs to take a serious look at what's behind this habit of losing stuff, but I'm also wondering why Mark carrying his own keys "defeats the purpose".

[conuly]

Rami's argument was "Oh, but this will be so much easier for you" and now Rami's argument is "Okay, but it hasn't helped me and you still have to carry keys, so let's do this other thing that'll be so much easier for you".

[torachan]

What conuly said, but also if Rami takes the keys into the house and leaves them there then there's still the possibility of him coming home when Mark's out (or asleep or otherwise not able to answer the door) and not being able to get in because the keys are not in the box that he insisted was the perfect solution to him not remembering his keys. The keys aren't permanently lost because they're in the house somewhere, but it's causing just as much trouble in the moment.

[movingfinger]

I'm team "Mark needs a better roommate." Rami doesn't even seem to be trying here.

[topaz_eyes]

As conuly notes, Rami needs to learn strategies to remember his things. He needs to put his house keys in his wallet. Or wear them around his neck. Or in his shoes. It's Mark's house, not his, Mark gets to decide how the house is keyed. Mark's already accommodated Rami with the key box.

Constantly replacing the locks is not only expensive; but also, if there's ever a break-in while Rami lives there and keeps losing keys, Mark's insurance may refuse to cover the losses. If Rami continues, without making a good effort to figure out why he keeps losing his belongings, I agree with oursin. Mark should consider evicting him.

[azurelunatic]

I'm for necklace.

(I have ADHD. I would lose my keys if they weren't attached. I have a wrist strap attached to the keychain, and a neck sized lanyard, and that lanyard is very visible and attached to the strap of my bag, and if my keys are not in the ignition of my car they are on my wrist or attached to my bag. The wrist strap was after the first and so far only time I've had to call a locksmith for my car.)

[green_grrl]

“Rebecca” had the most helpful comment for the current situation. As someone who also lives in a historic house, full body shudder at putting one of those electronic locks on the door. And eff that guy who said “ he will still be benefitting from the convenience of the electronic lock long after Remi has moved out, so of course he should pay half.”

[mrissa]

His focus on "but I won't live here forever! and we'll both use it!" is really tipping me toward "this person is not able or willing to see points of view other than their own and is not willing to take responsibility for the places where his behavior makes things inconvenient for others." Not great roommate behavior.

[oursin]

Yes, the whole apparently not at all considering the security and insurance issues around blithely losing housekeys (quite apart from the faff and expense of replacing!) makes me want to push him off the roof in some plausibly deniable fashion.

[nineveh_uk]

+100 Maybe Rami doesn't easily remember keys, but as an adult he should be conscious that this is a real problem that doing a "oh I'm so forgetful, teehee" routine about doesn't solve, because the problem isn't that he keeps losing something analogous to an umbrella, but a set of keys, with all that goes with that. Take some bloody responsibility, Rami.

[harpers_child]

$5 on Rami forgetting his code if Mark does go for the electric locks.

[flemmings]

No takers.

[torachan]

Yeah, I was just going to say, at this point I really don't trust Rami to remember the code if he does get his way and gets it installed.

[castiron]

Granted, the electric locks would make it easy for Mark to change the code when he finally evicts Rami.

[jack]

If Rami has this sort of problem elsewhere in life, he should look into ADHD or related resources for his own sake.

Rami should take responsibility for finding a solution that works for Mark.

Also most people need to carry some keys at some point -- for car, for work, etc. so Rami autos figure out a solution now.

A solution isn't that hard. Key on necklace. Key in wallet. Key in smartphone case. Putting the key back in the key safe. Has he tried?

Maybe he's ashamed of the difficulty and is clinging to the one solution he knows works, in which case he deserves sympathy, but he also needs to take responsibility for TRYING to find a solution that works for Mark.

Mark should stick with carrying his own keys and letting Rami use the key safe. If Rami gets locked out, that's Rami's problem.