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agonyaunt2023-10-02 04:48 pm
misbegotten) wrote in agonyaunt2023-10-02 04:48 pm
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I Was Given a Ring as a Treasured Heirloom. Can I Sell It?
Source:
I was recently gifted a family heirloom — a century-old five-carat diamond ring. It is most likely worth six figures. I was shocked; I am not very close with the relative who gave me the ring, by his choice. There are a lot of painful relationships in this particular branch of the family tree. As an adult, I have always tried to be kind and respectful to all of these relatives, while keeping my distance.
The relative who gave me this ring had used it to propose to his now ex-wife, and it was implied that I might use it to replace my engagement ring. (I have no idea why, as I love my engagement ring.) That is the only reason I can surmise that he gave it to me and not to any of his own children. He also said the ring originally belonged to my great-great-grandmother, but it actually belonged to her childless sister (who long survived her). I’m fairly certain that my mother was the only one of her siblings who visited my great-great-aunt on a regular basis.
My husband and I are newly married, and we find ourselves thinking about the value of this ring and how it could change our lives. A down payment on an apartment? A college fund for future children? And so on. We neither come from money nor make much money. If we sell this ring, it is a once-in-a-lifetime windfall.
I’m worried my relative would want the ring back if he knew I was considering selling it. But this is not the kind of sentimental heirloom that everyone in the extended family knows about, and part of me would not be surprised if he never asked about it again. He is also very wealthy, so as a financial asset the ring matters much more to me. Still, he could, one day, ask about the ring, and who knows what ugliness might ensue from this complicated family if I sold it. But I’m more concerned about my own ethics here — what are my rights regarding this gift, and what explanation do I owe? — Name Withheld
From the Ethicist:
First, a gift is a gift, and this one had no explicit strings attached. There was perhaps a background assumption that it would be appreciated for its sentimental value; selling it shows that its sentimental value for you is less than the giver supposed. But a rich family member is in no position to condemn a much poorer one for thinking of the ring’s value in financial terms rather than entirely sentimental ones. You have to be pretty well off to view a six-figure piece of jewelry only as a memento.
Second, though, it’s worth reflecting on what the giver’s motivations were. You say that you haven’t been close, that relationships with his part of the family have been fraught. Maybe he hoped to remedy this situation, in some measure. Or maybe he believed that your mother had a real connection with the ring owner and simply thinks of you as your mother’s heir.
Either way, it would be courteous to tell him that you decided to sell the ring (I’m assuming that’s your wish) and to explain why — e.g., because doing so would provide the down payment on a new home for your new marriage. Telling him openly should help convey that you aren’t doing anything wrong, which would be less obvious if it came up only later. This sale would surely give you a more meaningful connection with your great-great-aunt — and, indeed, with him — than keeping an expensive item of jewelry, and you might say so.
If you say nothing, your relationship is more likely to be damaged were he to find out later than had you been open about it. If you say nothing, you will also spend time fretting about this eventuality, perhaps needlessly. So tell him your plans and thank him for helping you on your way in your married life. It’s possible that his reaction will confirm your worst fears; it’s also possible that it will alleviate them.
I was recently gifted a family heirloom — a century-old five-carat diamond ring. It is most likely worth six figures. I was shocked; I am not very close with the relative who gave me the ring, by his choice. There are a lot of painful relationships in this particular branch of the family tree. As an adult, I have always tried to be kind and respectful to all of these relatives, while keeping my distance.
The relative who gave me this ring had used it to propose to his now ex-wife, and it was implied that I might use it to replace my engagement ring. (I have no idea why, as I love my engagement ring.) That is the only reason I can surmise that he gave it to me and not to any of his own children. He also said the ring originally belonged to my great-great-grandmother, but it actually belonged to her childless sister (who long survived her). I’m fairly certain that my mother was the only one of her siblings who visited my great-great-aunt on a regular basis.
My husband and I are newly married, and we find ourselves thinking about the value of this ring and how it could change our lives. A down payment on an apartment? A college fund for future children? And so on. We neither come from money nor make much money. If we sell this ring, it is a once-in-a-lifetime windfall.
I’m worried my relative would want the ring back if he knew I was considering selling it. But this is not the kind of sentimental heirloom that everyone in the extended family knows about, and part of me would not be surprised if he never asked about it again. He is also very wealthy, so as a financial asset the ring matters much more to me. Still, he could, one day, ask about the ring, and who knows what ugliness might ensue from this complicated family if I sold it. But I’m more concerned about my own ethics here — what are my rights regarding this gift, and what explanation do I owe? — Name Withheld
From the Ethicist:
First, a gift is a gift, and this one had no explicit strings attached. There was perhaps a background assumption that it would be appreciated for its sentimental value; selling it shows that its sentimental value for you is less than the giver supposed. But a rich family member is in no position to condemn a much poorer one for thinking of the ring’s value in financial terms rather than entirely sentimental ones. You have to be pretty well off to view a six-figure piece of jewelry only as a memento.
Second, though, it’s worth reflecting on what the giver’s motivations were. You say that you haven’t been close, that relationships with his part of the family have been fraught. Maybe he hoped to remedy this situation, in some measure. Or maybe he believed that your mother had a real connection with the ring owner and simply thinks of you as your mother’s heir.
Either way, it would be courteous to tell him that you decided to sell the ring (I’m assuming that’s your wish) and to explain why — e.g., because doing so would provide the down payment on a new home for your new marriage. Telling him openly should help convey that you aren’t doing anything wrong, which would be less obvious if it came up only later. This sale would surely give you a more meaningful connection with your great-great-aunt — and, indeed, with him — than keeping an expensive item of jewelry, and you might say so.
If you say nothing, your relationship is more likely to be damaged were he to find out later than had you been open about it. If you say nothing, you will also spend time fretting about this eventuality, perhaps needlessly. So tell him your plans and thank him for helping you on your way in your married life. It’s possible that his reaction will confirm your worst fears; it’s also possible that it will alleviate them.