Agony Aunt

Dear Annie: The problem is not with our son, but his wife. They dated in high school and college, and she was friendly and nice to us during those periods, visiting us quite often. They were married after living together for more than five years, and during that time we had good relations with them. They would visit us once a week.

My son and daughter-in-law are well-educated, and they now have two young daughters, ages 6 and 3. The girls are very attached to us. But our daughter-in-law controls the girls and they rarely visit us.

When they do visit, their mother won't let the kids out of her sight. The other day, my wife showed the children the strawberries that had grown in our backyard. Their mother immediately told them not to eat them, even though my wife had said they would be washed. Their mother said no.

We helped our son and his wife financially to buy their house. They live around 10 minutes' drive from our house. Yet we go to their house only two times a year to attend our granddaughters' birthdays. Otherwise, they never invite us. Being in our 60s, we are not young. It seems odd, but even when we want to babysit, she refuses to have them stay with us. Yet her parents babysit all the time.

When he is alone with us, our son is happy to chat, but once she arrives, he becomes a totally changed person -- as if he is her puppy.

Once a week, we insist that our son have lunch with us at a restaurant during his lunch break from work. But if we bring up any issues involving his wife's attitude toward us or our grandchildren, he gets very mad, so we don't even discuss it.

We have another son and we have no problems; he and his wife let my wife babysit, and we meet with them often.

We are sad about the son whose wife has become unfriendly, and we are turning to you for advice. -- Questioning Grandparents

Dear Questioning Grandparents: Keeping your grandchildren away from you and your husband not only hurts you, but it also hurts the children. Grandparents can provide security and wisdom to their grandchildren. They can tell them stories of what their dad was like when he was their age. Kids always get a kick out of that. It is understandable that you crave a loving relationship with them. Grandkids can help grandparents to stay mentally sharp and stave off depression or loneliness.

Your daughter-in-law seems to be a controlling person, and that is creating problems for your relationship with your and for your son. So continue to tread lightly and appreciate the time you get with your son and his children, however limited it is. Also, watch that you don't try to control your own son by saying "we insist" that he have lunch with you once a week.

Keep talking to your son about your desire to have a close relationship, and explain all of the mutual benefits. Ask what would make your son and daughter-in-law more comfortable visiting or letting you babysit. Get interested in her concerns. At the same time, continue to nurture your relationship with your other son's kids and enjoy being terrific grandparents.

I have had this open to post for weeks.

( And I mean boundary Issues )

Dear Amy: My daughter and son-in-law are expecting their first child. My husband has a granddaughter, but this will be MY first grandchild. My husband and I have been together for more than 16 years and have helped raise each other’s children.

I love his granddaughter and I don’t want her feelings to be hurt by announcing on social media that I am expecting my first grandchild. She is 8 years old and knows that I am her father’s stepmother, but I still don’t want to hurt her. Whenever she comes over, my husband and I both spoil her (like grandparents should), but she has always favored her “Papa.”

The problem for me is that I am much younger than my husband, and I didn’t want my social media friends to think that I was old enough to have an 8-year-old grandchild.

How can I say that I am expecting my first grandchild without making her feel like she doesn’t count?

— Grandma to Be

Dear Grandma: I appreciate your sensitivity about this situation, but I have news for you — you are already a “Grandma.” You have been one for the past eight years, and for you to try to find a way to deny this now that you are about to have a “real” grandchild in your life is all about your own vanity.

Your young granddaughter wouldn’t be the only person surprised (and possibly hurt) by the revelation that she isn’t your grandchild. Her parents, especially the parent you “helped to raise,” would likely be quite wounded.

I could also venture a guess that the reason your granddaughter has always favored her “Papa” is because you are signaling to her in a variety of ways that she is a placeholder for the real grandchild who will someday come along and claim your heart.

I became a grandmother quite young — at least it seemed so at the time, because I wasn’t prepared for this life stage. But family comes to you in different ways and at different times, whether or not you’re ready (or “old enough”) for it.

And so now the thing to do is to take to social media to announce your joy at the birth of your second grandchild.