agonyaunt | Dear Prudence: Is There a Non-Sexist Way to Tell My Girlfriend She Should Wear More Makeup?

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Dear Prudence: Is There a Non-Sexist Way to Tell My Girlfriend She Should Wear More Makeup?

(n.b. I don't think the title is entirely accurate or fair to the LW)

Q. Can’t makeup my mind: I have a great relationship with my girlfriend, whom I’ve been dating for more than a year. Our communication is open and clear about most topics, except this one small thing. Sometimes I wish she would wear makeup on the special nights we go out, or even once in a while for the fun of it. At the same time I’m extremely reluctant to voice this desire. I know that women are expected to spend way more time and money on their appearance than men are and I don’t want to hurt her feelings or suggest that I don’t like her the way she is. I do—and at the same time I really liked when in previous relationships my partner would put on some makeup now and then. It just was a fun change of pace and it genuinely looks beautiful. I’d like my partner to try out some makeup; I know she has done it in the past but it’s very rare. How do I tactfully suggest that she wear some mascara for our next date night without sounding rude, sexist, or thoughtless? Is that even possible? Or should I just let this go and not say anything?

A: There’s a real difference between “I want you to spend a ton of extra time and money on your appearance regardless of your own feelings on the subject, lest you displease me” and “If you ever want to pick a night where we get really dressed up, I’d love it—I think make-up on a special occasion (or no special occasion) every once in a while looks beautiful,” especially when you’re prepared to take “No” for an answer. You can go a little overboard in planning your own outfit and hairstyle on that same night if she’s up for it, so the proposition isn’t “Have fun drawing the perfect cat’s-eye, I’ll be looking exactly the same as usual.” But don’t “tactfully suggest” she put on some mascara as if she’s forgotten something important, like making sure to put on shoes before she leaves the house. Be straightforward about the fact that this is something superfluous, extravagant, and nonessential that you want that she can either decline or accept, not something she should probably be doing already.

There’s nothing wrong with saying, “I like my beautiful girlfriend and I like the occasional bold lip.” You don’t have to present that as a shameful, sexist secret or evidence that you don’t really appreciate her face as is, so long as you don’t press the issue and take her at her word if she says, “I don’t find putting on makeup fun.” Also, if you’re really into makeup as something casually fun and lovely, why not consider wearing it on your own every once in a while? There are plenty of beginner’s tutorials on YouTube (and all over the internet). You can test-drive various color palettes and styles until you find ones that suit you and best bring out your eyes. Part of the fun of makeup is (or can be, at least) the flexibility and impermanence of the endeavor; you can wipe it off and start again as often as you like, even if “as often as you like” is “pretty much never.”

Q. Re: Can’t makeup my mind: Never, ever, ever tell your partner you want to see her in makeup. You will do nothing but hurt her feelings, make her doubt how attracted to her you are, and make yourself look like an ass.

A: One vote against, and worth considering! I’m not prepared to guarantee that this request will only hurt her feelings or convince her that her partner’s not attracted to her, but it’s also true that no matter how noncommittally the letter writer frames his request, it doesn’t take place in a cultural or social vacuum, and their partner may very well be burned out on other people’s requests and opinions and preferences when it comes to makeup, especially from men they’re dating.

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Advice letters about dating so often baffle me with the alienness of their worldview. You've been dating for over a year, LW, with "open and clear" communication, and yet you have never once had a conversation in which she expressed some opinions about gender presentation and expectations? You can't conceive of asking *her* opinion, rather than that of a total stranger, as if women are a monolithic faceless mass with Traps To Avoid (being seen as sexist) rather than individuals with views of their own (an opportunity to learn about someone you care for!).

Your options, LW, as you have presented them:

1) Tell your girlfriend you want a specific gender performance from her.
2) Say nothing and resent her for not giving you what you want spontaneously.

You know what's missing, here? I can hardly read the letter for the howling void of its absence.

Any curiosity at all about what LW's girlfriend thinks or feels about makeup. Any interest at all in *her* specific experience of being a woman who dates and doesn't wear makeup much. I am absolutely sure she has thoughts on this! That there are choices she has consciously made! This... does not appear to occur to LW at all.

This! If he just asked her why she doesn't wear it, he would know whether his idea is even a possibility. Whether she considers makeup fun at all, or a scourge of the patriarchy, or has medical issues that mean she doesn't wear it. And he'd have a pretty good idea whether his suggestion would be met with enjoyment or a break up besides.

LW, I think framing it as 'I really like makeup and I'm thinking about learning how to put it on, and I'd really love it if you did this with me' is almost guaranteed not to result in her feeling insulted.

(I think it's important to note btw that 'makeup' is not a magical skill all women have from birth and you should not approach her that way; if she very rarely wears it she may not have confidence in her skill. As an adult I've basically only worn it for weddings and job interviews, and had to ask for help every time.)

Yeah, there's no reason to assume that she *can* easily just switch into Makeup Mode. He's assuming that it would be no big deal for her to do, and that the only barrier would be if it hurt her feelings to think he wasn't attracted to her. The idea that she might not know how, or might not wear it because of allergies, or might dislike the way makeup looks... there are a thousand possible reasons! Which he could find out about. By asking her, instead of assuming he already knows what the important issue is (whether or not he finds her sexy).

Bringing it up via trying makeup himself does sidestep the issue of him dictating her performance of femininity, but somehow I don't think he's likely to consider it as a real possibility.

It doesn't even have to be trying makeup himself, it can be "I want to learn to put it on other people, will you be my model" or even "I want to know more about it generally."

I do think we're being a little unforgiving of him not knowing exactly how she feels about it (or not mentioning it in the letter, that's not the question he's asking, after all, and it doesn't seem to be a big part of her life, if it weren't for his interest it wouldn't be any more important to the relationship than how she feels about model trains). And if you're worried about accidentally giving insult, there really isn't any obvious casual way to find out what she thinks. But bringing it up in a context other than "why don't you wear it" is the starting point. It could also be something like "I want to buy some makeup for /female relative who wears it/ for a gift, do you think that's a good idea?" - express interest in makeup in a context other than the relative attractive of women who wear it, and see where that goes.

I think it's a pretty different case than model trains, though! To use myself as an example - I'm a non-binary person who was female-socialized and has never developed any skill or interest in makeup, and I've also never gotten into model trains. But one of those things has been enough of a culturally-dictated Presence in my life that I have had to make choices about it (and defend those choices, and endure the opinions of other people on those choices, both directed at me and as ambient sexist commentary) - and it's not the trains.

LW has gotten as far as figuring out the issue might be Fraught. Points for that! However, he hasn't gotten as far as realizing that his gf's personal opinions re: makeup are much more relevant to his actual question ("can I ask my girlfriend to wear makeup to please me on our dates?") than any advice columnist's opinion could possibly be.

I guess part of what I was boggling about, re: alienness of worldview, is that bringing up "Makeup: Fun Toy or Patriarchal Scourge?" as an abstract issue to discuss seems perfectly reasonable to me, and much *more* reasonable than cooking up indirect scenarios that might possibly cause her to volunteer some useful information, while carefully avoiding letting her know that there is specific info being sought. That seems like so much work, and so likely to blow up in someone's face!

Yeah, I wasn't really thinking of it as elaborate indirect imaginary scenarios, but more that if he really is interested in makeup in a way that isn't purely patriarchal, those are things he should look into anyway! (And if he his interested in a way that's purely patriarchal, he should explore the things those questions bring up anyway.) And if she is someone who's sensitive about the question (he clearly already is), it's still tough for me to think of how to bring up "Is Makeup Patriarchal?" in a way that 100% doesn't sound like I'm commenting on her choices or appearance. "Makeup (abstract) is something I enjoy and am interested in" feels different to me - and if it is something he enjoys and is interested in, he *should* explore it in contexts other than already applied to his girlfriend's face.

I am a female-socialized-and-appearing person but I honestly go years at a time without thinking about makeup as applied to myself, and probably do spend more time on model trains. There definitely is a difference here between "Would you like to help me with my model train setup?" and "Would you change the appearance of your body for me?" - and he's realized that one of them is much more fraught! Her opinion does matter more about the second one. But the only reason it matters is that he's interested in it - if he also didn't care about makeup, why would he bring it up? It wouldn't be his business unless she wanted to talk about it, anymore than exactly what clothes she chooses to wear or whether she dyes her hair.

Whether she has the skill, and whether she'd have to buy the mascara to begin with. (Also 'some makeup' was probably not just a little mascara if he clocked it.)

I mean, if I'm wearing any makeup at all, even a tiny bit of concealer, you will know, because I will have made a giant fuss about how annoying it was and wondering if it looks okay. :P

But it would definitely be a good idea to offer to buy some as gifts, if she's interested in using it. (Honestly, he clearly has an idea of what kind of makeup he likes, if not necessarily the vocabulary to express it, so the two of them figuring it out together and then going shopping for it as a date is probably a good next step anyway.)

I mean, if I'm wearing any makeup at all, even a tiny bit of concealer, you will know, because I will have made a giant fuss about how annoying it was and wondering if it looks okay. :P

There is that! LOL. And makeup shopping could be a fun date. Especially if they go shopping for him, but I'm not holding out a lot of hope there.

Kind of depends on the guy. In the past couple years I've switched to not really wearing much makeup - a little brow gel, a coat of mascara, a thin swipe of liquid liner - I can do it in 90 seconds. A few months ago I got together with a guy I was seeing and I'd skipped the liner and put on some tinted lip balm instead; showed up at his house and he said "Oh, you did something different with your makeup, it looks nice." I've dated other guys back when I did a full face daily who were like "You don't really wear makeup, so why do you look so different now than you did when you woke up this morning?" when I had concealer, foundation, pressed powder, bronzer, blush, etc.

(In my experience it's men who have sister vs men who don't)

Interesting points of data.

I think it's important to note btw that 'makeup' is not a magical skill all women have from birth

QFT. Also, other commenters have addressed the overarching problems with this: why doesn't he freaking talk to her about it like two actual people? Why is he treating all women like a monolith?

So I want to home in on the little tiny piece that sent me from "ugh" to "RAWR": mascara. Even when I was steadily amassing, of my own free will and for purposes that had nothing to do with mating plumage, a collection of bareMinerals eyecolor products sufficient to provide for at least a small drag show, mascara was the one thing I did not use--- in my case, putting that crap on my eyelashes completely obscured all the hard work I had done on the rest of my eyes; there was just this gigantic thing like a black cast-iron fence in front of my eyes. So even when I was using makeup, for the fun of it, that was just about the only thing I didn't use.

And, relatedly, does he know she's not using makeup? I was brought up that the purpose of makeup is to look like you're not wearing any, and even if I did end up exploring other aesthetics as an adult, I don't know how much he knows about the actual routine she does do. And, for that matter, she may have actual health issues that preclude wearing makeup, or makeup she can afford--- as an example, my aforementioned bareMinerals habit started with an attempt to wrangle roasacea and sun-sensitivity into submission, and then I branched out into playing with colors, so the reverse can definitely be the case.

And for that matter, how is he imagining the rest of those makeup-involved date nights playing out? How will he react when she needs to take all that stuff off before post-night-out sexytiems (if any)? Not wanting to break the mood with a necessary skincare routine is still another reason why someone might not want to wear makeup on a night out. (And now I'm imagining one of the old-school sex-symbol movie stars saying something like, "Darling, I don't wear foundation or foundation garments for the same reason--- it's that much easier to get down to business." Snerk.)

I suspect he namechecked "mascara" because it's kind of cultural shorthand for "bare minimum of makeup" (it didn't even ping me as being a specific request!) but it's definitely a signpost for how much he's not really thinking about what 'makeup' actually involves!

If the issue is actually some kind of sensitivity or medical issues, there would probably be things they could come up with if they got to talking about it in terms of either "I'm interested in makeup" (solution: he wears it) or "I like the idea of use both looking extra special/formal on dates" (solution: alternative ways of looking fancy, specific kinds of makeup that work for he that he buys, she wears a rhinestone masquerade mask the whole time). Bet they need a way to start the conversation first.

(I didn't even think about most of that. But then I don't think I've ever worn mascara in my life. I never had anybody to teach me about makeup and that seemed like the worst choice for trying to learn how to apply by yourself.)

Edited 2022-09-13 18:53 (UTC)

I didn't even think about the idea of "mascara" as cultural shorthand for "minimum makeup"--- probably because I do think of mascara as maximum makeup; if I were shorthanding "minimum makeup" with just one product, it would definitely be lipstick (which unlike mascara, can also have some health benefits, if it's the kind that's combined with a moisturizer). But then I am female-assigned and a former and still-sometimes makeup user. So we both gave each other a new thing to think about, yay!

As a practical thing, I love all your solutions, and the idea of a rhinestone masquerade massk just makes me smile, smile, smile.

The little mascara bit got to me too - that shows how little he thinks about makeup other than it can look pretty. Mascara is such a bugbear to put on properly and I haven't put on any for years. (Generally wear a foundation that doubles as SPF, a bit of blush, and sparkly eye-shadow because I love that).

:D! Thanks for the cosign--- as you say, it shows just how little he understands what-all goes into putting on makeup. Riffing off

katiedid717's comment above about men who have sisters having more of a clue about how makeup works, I suspect LW has never seen a woman put on makeup, and if he raises the subject with his GF she should invite him to come along for the entire process--- from shopping for the stuff (with attention to how much it costs, and also any allergies or other skin issues she has) through applying it, through removing it.

And, okay, you didn't ask for all this in your inbox and maybe this should be a top-level comment, but the guy doesn't seem to have a clue why asking a woman to wear makeup is sexist, and the above part of "do you have any clue what goes into that process" seems likely to be a piece of that.

Yeah, even when I am doing All The Makeup, mascara is last on the list. I only buy tiny dollar store mascaras, because by the time I'm ready to wear mascara again, at least six months will have passed (statistically speaking).

(I generally wear nothing or lip balm, if I'm doing any makeup-makeup it's lipstick and maybe concealer, and from there I add eyeliner, eye shadow, eyebrow stuff, sometimes highlighter. Glitter is also on the list but occupies a separate category.)

Have you tried edible glitter? It dissolves in water for easier cleanup!

I have a little vial of that and some cake decorating pearl powder somewhere. I found it to be a little more subdued than most of my other glitters.

(We do have a Roomba.)

why doesn't he freaking talk to her about it like two actual people?

This! Look, I once said to my partner, "would you ever consider growing a beard from time to time? It's sexy." He tried it for a couple of months, then decided he disliked it, and told me so, and that was the end of it. I asked, he considered, he said no, I accepted that because it's his body and we're normal adults who can have a normal conversation.

:D Exactly. Talk to each other.

LW needs to be told:

makeup is expensive as hell

makeup can cause all sorts of skin irritations and skin problems

"It just was a fun change of pace and it genuinely looks beautiful."

If LW wants to get past this, they should start telling themselves that a woman's face with makeup is not more or particularly "beautiful" in comparison to a woman's face without it. Especially when it's a woman they've been dating for a year. If the LW has a deep craving for traditional arm candy, this is a good moment to confront that, acknowledge it, and admit that the world, and their partner, is not obliged to sate it.

Putting on even light makeup is a lot of work, and it necessitates changes in skin care etc that can cascade into even more work (and money on Products). I'm not a fan of even obliquely suggesting this to her. The woman isn't a fool. She knows makeup exists.

Thank you, yes.

Not wearing it, even on special occasions, is quite likely an active choice she's actively making.

Yeah the LW can totally tell GF that he likes the look of makeup sometimes, and ask if she'd ever consider wearing it. But saying "it genuinely looks beautiful" to GF will be heard as "you're not as beautiful to me as you would be in makeup." As a non makeup wearer, that's absolutely how I would hear it, anyway.

I've never worn makeup, other than a few months in high school where I experimented with it. I do not know how to apply it in a way that looks good, how to pick colors that flatter me, or what brands I can wear without setting off skin irritation (the reason my mother has never worn makeup, other than occasional lipstick, at any time I can remember). And I'm not sufficiently motivated to spend the time and money to learn; for what a basic makeup setup would cost, I can get some really nice hand-dyed fiber and get a lot of enjoyment out of spinning yarn and knitting a scarf that'll probably be more flattering anyway.

Makeup is great...for the people who enjoy using it and experimenting with different looks. And I can understand wanting one's partner to gussy up once in a while; I'd enjoy seeing Spouse dress up too. But I'm not entitled to expect it, and LW isn't entitled to expect his partner to wear makeup. (And putting on a suit is not nearly as gender-loaded as wearing makeup.)

This is sort of fascinating to me as someone who does wear makeup for the special occasions and has then had to sit through her husband informing her that he prefers her without it. (He also prefers my hair undyed, which is unfortunate for him as I prefer not to wear my genetic hair color in favor of something that suits my self image better.) I like the comment suggestions of asking her if she would help him learn to do it for himself, or if she would consider being a model for him to learn on, which would give an opening for her to say so if the cost or skin sensitivity was a factor. Or anything else.

For what it's worth, I'm not reading this letter as "treating women as a monolith" or being unaware of the societal expectations around it; the fact that he's worrying whether he can ask at all suggests he's trying to work it out in his own head, on his own, without putting that processing on her, and I appreciate that. But I think my read is in teh minority here.

Yeah, I agree that he's doing his best to figure it out, but starting from a place of knowing very little about it except that it's a fraught issue.

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Dear Prudence: Is There a Non-Sexist Way to Tell My Girlfriend She Should Wear More Makeup?

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"The woman isn't a fool. She knows makeup exists."

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