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agonyaunt2020-07-07 12:11 pm
minoanmiss) wrote in agonyaunt2020-07-07 12:11 pm
Entry tags:
Dear Care & Feeding: My Kids' Dad is a Trumper
Should I Criticize Him Openly or Keep It Civil?
I have three young kids (10, 9, 6) whom I adore. Due to life circumstances, they live mostly with their dad for the school year. (I see them often, and they live with me and their stepdad during the summers and breaks.) My husband and I are very liberal, and my kids’ dad is very conservative (like, Trump-supporter conservative). In my time with the kids, I talk politics a lot, and do my best to instill my values, while also being VERY careful not to say anything bad about their dad or his beliefs. For example, if they mention something their dad told them, I focus on saying what I disagree with and why, rather than saying what I really think (such as, “that belief is immoral”). But I can tell that their dad isn’t exactly reciprocating. They have said some things that make me pretty sure he’s just vilifying Democrats and liberals every chance he gets. They’re young, so nuance is lost on them. I feel like I’m playing the long game by being the one who never disparages the other side, but given what the other side is doing these days, I am wondering if I should play hardball too. How do I handle this?
—Politics and Parenting
The Democratic party could write a book about what happens when you try to keep to the “high” road and “be the one who never disparages the other side.” Spoiler alert: It ends with over 100,000 Americans dead from COVID and millions more who might be considered brain-dead. To paraphrase a man who waged a wholly unnecessary war on Iraq and may end up becoming one of your kids’ idols if you don’t act fast, the high road really ain’t high if it means negotiating with terrorists, you feel me?
Do your best to emphasize the other things that are “good” about your ex and the importance of loving him in spite of his values. Be careful to differentiate between “bad politics” and “bad people” (which is bullshit but your children can grow up and decide to discard their father for being a “deplorable” when they are old enough to realize the two cannot be separated and that the idea that they can is a myth that white folks have been spreading to the detriment of everyone for far too long). This isn’t a “here’s why Daddy sucks” thing; it’s “here’s why conservative values are evil.”
You need to make the moral depravity and xenophobia of the right wing as painstakingly clear to your kids as you possibly can, whenever you can. This is more than hardball—this is a battle for the souls of your children, and I say do anything and everything you can to win it. If that includes being the parent who gives the best gifts and lets them stay up the latest and eat the most junk food, so be it. If your children become MAGA supporters, you will never be able to live with yourself, and most of us won’t be able to live with you, either. This. Is. War. Godspeed, comrade.
I have three young kids (10, 9, 6) whom I adore. Due to life circumstances, they live mostly with their dad for the school year. (I see them often, and they live with me and their stepdad during the summers and breaks.) My husband and I are very liberal, and my kids’ dad is very conservative (like, Trump-supporter conservative). In my time with the kids, I talk politics a lot, and do my best to instill my values, while also being VERY careful not to say anything bad about their dad or his beliefs. For example, if they mention something their dad told them, I focus on saying what I disagree with and why, rather than saying what I really think (such as, “that belief is immoral”). But I can tell that their dad isn’t exactly reciprocating. They have said some things that make me pretty sure he’s just vilifying Democrats and liberals every chance he gets. They’re young, so nuance is lost on them. I feel like I’m playing the long game by being the one who never disparages the other side, but given what the other side is doing these days, I am wondering if I should play hardball too. How do I handle this?
—Politics and Parenting
The Democratic party could write a book about what happens when you try to keep to the “high” road and “be the one who never disparages the other side.” Spoiler alert: It ends with over 100,000 Americans dead from COVID and millions more who might be considered brain-dead. To paraphrase a man who waged a wholly unnecessary war on Iraq and may end up becoming one of your kids’ idols if you don’t act fast, the high road really ain’t high if it means negotiating with terrorists, you feel me?
Do your best to emphasize the other things that are “good” about your ex and the importance of loving him in spite of his values. Be careful to differentiate between “bad politics” and “bad people” (which is bullshit but your children can grow up and decide to discard their father for being a “deplorable” when they are old enough to realize the two cannot be separated and that the idea that they can is a myth that white folks have been spreading to the detriment of everyone for far too long). This isn’t a “here’s why Daddy sucks” thing; it’s “here’s why conservative values are evil.”
You need to make the moral depravity and xenophobia of the right wing as painstakingly clear to your kids as you possibly can, whenever you can. This is more than hardball—this is a battle for the souls of your children, and I say do anything and everything you can to win it. If that includes being the parent who gives the best gifts and lets them stay up the latest and eat the most junk food, so be it. If your children become MAGA supporters, you will never be able to live with yourself, and most of us won’t be able to live with you, either. This. Is. War. Godspeed, comrade.
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I really wish LW could take the kids back full time. But "my ex-husband fervently agrees with Trump and has hateful politics" is not yet the custody-winning argument it probably should be.
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I think a better route would be to reassess the life circumstances that led to the kids living with dad nine months of the year, and to aggressively pursue a better custody arrangement if it's feasible.
Like, minimum LW gets all the weekends and half the holidays, ideally LW gets 182.5 days a year with her kids.
Meanwhile, focus on debunking conservative lies with facts. Call things what they are. Learn the GOP platform so you can go in with specific statements about "the republican party" and not "your dumpster fire sperm donor".
This situation makes me think that the actual ideal would be that the LW moved cross country with the kids without telling her ex and *then* filed for divorce, before he had the opportunity to tie her to only one state's worth of distance.
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ahahah yes. When I was younger I would not sleep with any man I didn't know was pro-choice (any woman either, as it turned out when a girl I was crushing on broke my heart, but that's another story). I sometimes ended up with "he talks about feminism but doesn't do the dishes" but at least I didn't end up with a coparent with loathsome politics.
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Go in!
It’s tough, though. My sister is in a similar situation with her ex. Ironically, kids and ex are Hispanic, so at least the boys are somewhat sensitive to racial issues. Homophobia, hate speech, and economic injustice, though...
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deficientdifferent from one's own. I send your friend strength.[I have a rant about peopel who think only the oppression levied against them is bad but the oppressions they can levy are justified. Oh do I have a rant.]