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agonyaunt2025-06-18 08:49 am
minoanmiss) wrote in agonyaunt2025-06-18 08:49 am
Entry tags:
Dear Prudence: My Ex Is Warning All My Dates About Me
[having trouble with html today]
https://slate.com/advice/2025/06/dating-advice-ex-girlfriend-warning.html
When I was in my early 20s, I had a four-year relationship with a woman named “Sydney.” It was my first relationship, and I was a terrible partner to her. I wasn’t abusive or unfaithful, but I was demanding, immature, and dealing with a mountain of unaddressed trauma and mental health issues. I was devastated when she ended things with me. The breakup was the push I needed to begin working on myself and dealing with my own issues, instead of unloading them onto the people around me. Despite all this, Sydney and I managed to remain friendly for five years.
We were never close again, but we had a lot of friends in common, and I believed we had both moved on (her especially, as she’d since married and had children). Two years ago, she sent me a long series of text messages that essentially said that I’d done lasting emotional harm to her and she hoped I could reflect on what I’d done and learn to treat people better. She blocked me, and so did almost all of our mutual friends. To say I felt like crap would be an understatement. I knew I’d been a lousy girlfriend, but I had no idea just how badly I’d hurt her. I really struggled to reconcile my self-image as a decent person with the knowledge that I’d seriously harmed someone I cared about. I went back to therapy, this time really focusing on what happened during that relationship and why. I’d been dating again, but I took myself “off the market” while I focused on addressing my issues, because I felt absolutely radioactive and I didn’t want to hurt anyone else.
Since then, I’ve tried to make my peace with what I did. I am not the person I was when I first met Sydney. Some part of me is still mourning all the harm I caused and the relationships I lost, but I have moved on in every way I can. Recently, I’ve begun dating again. I haven’t had a real connection with anyone yet, but I’ve enjoyed talking to and getting to know new people, and I’ve developed a few new friendships with people I didn’t click with romantically. One problem: Sydney found out through one of our few remaining mutual friends, and she has apparently been trying to get in contact with people I’ve gone out with to “warn” them about me. I have no idea what to do. I’ve respected her desire to have no contact with me, and I’ve respected the decisions of mutual friends to drop me. I’ve spent hundreds of hours and thousands of dollars on therapy, and I’ve done the work to change the behaviors that contributed to how angry and unhappy I was during our relationship, but it feels like she’s still punishing me for things that happened over a decade ago. The fallout of this relationship consumed my 20s. How do I stop it from ruining my 30s?
—Seriously Considering Witness Protection
Dear Witness Protection,
I’m going to say something that will not sound like it’s related to your letter, but bear with me. I used to be a very nervous driver. I just felt like having control of a massive machine that could kill someone was way too much pressure for a person with a tendency to get distracted and space out here and there. But realizing that I wasn’t the only person on the road hoping to avoid an accident made me feel better. It occurred to me that everyone else had a brain and was also paying attention, and that even if I messed up a little bit, they had eyes and steering wheels and could contribute to us not crashing into each other. So one mistake on my part was not an automatic catastrophe, because I was dealing with other thinking humans. That helped my hands stop sweating and let me loosen my death grip on the steering wheel.
Here’s how that relates. You are a person in the world, dating, and Sydney is saying bad things about you. That sucks. But it’s not as if these things are being heard by people who blindly and automatically do whatever Sydney says. Just like the other drivers on the road with me aren’t behind the wheel with their eyes closed, the people she’s talking to have the ability to think, to analyze, to gather more information, and to apply what they have experienced so far in life to this situation. They have agency. They don’t want to get hurt, but they also don’t want to lose a nice woman. So they’re going to use a lot more data than just Sydney’s warnings to make a decision about you.
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I promise you that if they have gone out with you and you were kind and respectful, and then Sydney sends an Instagram message saying, “I dated her a decade ago and she was demanding and immature and I needed to tell you that,” they are going to take that with a grain of salt. Anyone who has lived enough life to get to an age at which they’re dating knows that people grow and change—and that exes can sometimes have their own agendas. Are these dates possibly going to scrutinize your behavior a bit more after hearing from Sydney? Absolutely. But if you’re telling the truth about how much you’ve improved, that shouldn’t be a problem.
Bonus tip: Even if you think Sydney’s behavior is absolutely nuts, don’t say a single bad word about her. It will only make you look worse. Trust me on this.
https://slate.com/advice/2025/06/dating-advice-ex-girlfriend-warning.html
When I was in my early 20s, I had a four-year relationship with a woman named “Sydney.” It was my first relationship, and I was a terrible partner to her. I wasn’t abusive or unfaithful, but I was demanding, immature, and dealing with a mountain of unaddressed trauma and mental health issues. I was devastated when she ended things with me. The breakup was the push I needed to begin working on myself and dealing with my own issues, instead of unloading them onto the people around me. Despite all this, Sydney and I managed to remain friendly for five years.
We were never close again, but we had a lot of friends in common, and I believed we had both moved on (her especially, as she’d since married and had children). Two years ago, she sent me a long series of text messages that essentially said that I’d done lasting emotional harm to her and she hoped I could reflect on what I’d done and learn to treat people better. She blocked me, and so did almost all of our mutual friends. To say I felt like crap would be an understatement. I knew I’d been a lousy girlfriend, but I had no idea just how badly I’d hurt her. I really struggled to reconcile my self-image as a decent person with the knowledge that I’d seriously harmed someone I cared about. I went back to therapy, this time really focusing on what happened during that relationship and why. I’d been dating again, but I took myself “off the market” while I focused on addressing my issues, because I felt absolutely radioactive and I didn’t want to hurt anyone else.
Since then, I’ve tried to make my peace with what I did. I am not the person I was when I first met Sydney. Some part of me is still mourning all the harm I caused and the relationships I lost, but I have moved on in every way I can. Recently, I’ve begun dating again. I haven’t had a real connection with anyone yet, but I’ve enjoyed talking to and getting to know new people, and I’ve developed a few new friendships with people I didn’t click with romantically. One problem: Sydney found out through one of our few remaining mutual friends, and she has apparently been trying to get in contact with people I’ve gone out with to “warn” them about me. I have no idea what to do. I’ve respected her desire to have no contact with me, and I’ve respected the decisions of mutual friends to drop me. I’ve spent hundreds of hours and thousands of dollars on therapy, and I’ve done the work to change the behaviors that contributed to how angry and unhappy I was during our relationship, but it feels like she’s still punishing me for things that happened over a decade ago. The fallout of this relationship consumed my 20s. How do I stop it from ruining my 30s?
—Seriously Considering Witness Protection
Dear Witness Protection,
I’m going to say something that will not sound like it’s related to your letter, but bear with me. I used to be a very nervous driver. I just felt like having control of a massive machine that could kill someone was way too much pressure for a person with a tendency to get distracted and space out here and there. But realizing that I wasn’t the only person on the road hoping to avoid an accident made me feel better. It occurred to me that everyone else had a brain and was also paying attention, and that even if I messed up a little bit, they had eyes and steering wheels and could contribute to us not crashing into each other. So one mistake on my part was not an automatic catastrophe, because I was dealing with other thinking humans. That helped my hands stop sweating and let me loosen my death grip on the steering wheel.
Here’s how that relates. You are a person in the world, dating, and Sydney is saying bad things about you. That sucks. But it’s not as if these things are being heard by people who blindly and automatically do whatever Sydney says. Just like the other drivers on the road with me aren’t behind the wheel with their eyes closed, the people she’s talking to have the ability to think, to analyze, to gather more information, and to apply what they have experienced so far in life to this situation. They have agency. They don’t want to get hurt, but they also don’t want to lose a nice woman. So they’re going to use a lot more data than just Sydney’s warnings to make a decision about you.
Advertisement
I promise you that if they have gone out with you and you were kind and respectful, and then Sydney sends an Instagram message saying, “I dated her a decade ago and she was demanding and immature and I needed to tell you that,” they are going to take that with a grain of salt. Anyone who has lived enough life to get to an age at which they’re dating knows that people grow and change—and that exes can sometimes have their own agendas. Are these dates possibly going to scrutinize your behavior a bit more after hearing from Sydney? Absolutely. But if you’re telling the truth about how much you’ve improved, that shouldn’t be a problem.
Bonus tip: Even if you think Sydney’s behavior is absolutely nuts, don’t say a single bad word about her. It will only make you look worse. Trust me on this.
no subject
Either way, Sydney needs to do her own therapy, and in the meantime, LW needs to set up a strict boundary with their remaining mutual friends: “I don’t want to hear about her, please don’t tell her anything about me”
no subject
I once dated someone after TWO of his exes, both friends of mine, warned me off him. They were right. Admittedly, I asked them, rather than their volunteering the information, and I chose to abandon logic and date him. (Did I mention they were right?) He wasn't abusive, just ... fucked up in ways he hadn't yet acknowledged and which played badly with the ways I am fucked up.
As for Sydney I have one more recommendation for her: write fiction. I have written cathartically about the above individual, other exes of mine, my parents, high school, etc. Slap on a coat of textual paint and a new name and only someone who knows one really well could ever figure it out. (And LW, don't b read Sydney's books.)
no subject
I agree with conuly's suggestion about telling the friends to stop gossiping, but I doubt it will be enough if this is a small circle that loves the drama and doesn't want the parties to move on, on some level.
I would also suggest to LW that they not discuss their dating life with the so-called friends who are reporting on their doings to Sydney and indeed that they distance themselves from those people and look for support from people who know them as they are now.
no subject
(And, unfortunately, if this is a small local queer community and Sydney is not ready to let go and already has most of the community on her side, the only practical option might be to either move or date long-distance.)
no subject