Dear Prudence: My Ex’s New Wife Saved My Life. I Hate Her for It.

[minoanmiss]

I am back on my feet and biting back nasty comments.

Dear Prudence,

My ex remarried a few years ago to a woman who is 15 years younger than me, has a Ph.D., and is quite wealthy. I basically owe her my life. My boyfriend got arrested, I got pregnant, and our house almost burned down. She provided my children and me an apartment that she owns, paid for a nanny, and helped with getting the house rebuilt. My kids are over at their dad’s most afternoons (including my now 3-year-old, saving me day care fees). I am back on my feet and biting back nasty comments whenever my kids talk about her. I am just stewing, and I feel so ashamed at times I make myself sick. What is wrong with me, and how do I make it stop?

You went through a series of incredibly stressful and painful events, were rescued by your ex’s seemingly perfect new wife, and are now exhausted from sitting in a position of constant gratitude. I don’t think anything is wrong with you—you feel resentful and insecure and ashamed next to this remarkable woman who has done so much to help you, which is fairly understandable—but I do think it’s wise of you to seek to curtail your feelings. It’s wonderful that you are now in a position to take care of yourself and your children without outside assistance, and I think at least some of this newly freed-up time and funds should go toward paying for a therapist. You’re right to bite back your nasty comments in front of your children. They have a warm, loving relationship with their stepmother, and you shouldn’t try to damage it, for your own sake as well as theirs. But you need someone to share your unlovely and uncharitable feelings with, and a therapist will help you sort out your resentments without damaging your relationships. —Danny M. Lavery