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Carolyn Hax: Life ‘really opened up’ post-divorce — just not for ex-wife and child
Dear Carolyn: Three years ago, I woke up to the fact that I wasn’t happy with my life. The pandemic made me realize there are no guarantees and you have to live your life now. I’d been married five years, right out of college, to my high school sweetheart, and it hit me that I was 27 with a wife and kid and mortgage, living like I was 40, and if I didn’t do something, life was going to pass me by.
As much as it hurt, I left and started over, and I’m so happy now. I have a great apartment, I’m getting noticed at work, I’m dating casually, I’m even planning a three-week trip to South America. Life has really opened up for me.
I wish I could say the same of my ex-wife, but she has just shut down. She moved back in with her folks, which is so sad — she’s never had her own place; she even lived at home during college. From what I can tell, she doesn’t date, even though she’s a young, good-looking woman with a good job and our son is old enough now to leave with a babysitter.
I’ll always love her. I’ve tried reaching out, but she doesn’t respond to any overtures unless it’s about our son. You got a letter recently from someone who didn’t like questions from her ex about her love life. I’m honestly not doing that; I don’t care if she dates, I just want her to have a full life. I’d like to get together with her and talk about what she’s doing and encourage her to want more for herself. Is that out of line?
— Anonymous
Anonymous: You divorced your standing to want things for her. So, yes, out of line.
Apparently, you also left her to do the heavy daily work of living a premature middle age and rearing your son while you went out and got your 20s back. Out of line and in her face.
Over the years, I’ve read letters with some nerve, but this one has some freaking nerve. (That’s two levels up from basic nerve.)
You don’t mention anything about money, and maybe that’s because it isn’t an issue, and maybe that’s because you’re giving her enough in child support and possibly alimony to enable her to move herself and your son out of her parents’ home into quality housing of her own, and she simply has chosen not to do that. If so, then, okay — I’ll back off that part of it.
Anonymous: You divorced your standing to want things for her. So, yes, out of line.
Apparently, you also left her to do the heavy daily work of living a premature middle age and rearing your son while you went out and got your 20s back. Out of line and in her face.
Over the years, I’ve read letters with some nerve, but this one has some freaking nerve. (That’s two levels up from basic nerve.)
You don’t mention anything about money, and maybe that’s because it isn’t an issue, and maybe that’s because you’re giving her enough in child support and possibly alimony to enable her to move herself and your son out of her parents’ home into quality housing of her own, and she simply has chosen not to do that. If so, then, okay — I’ll back off that part of it.
If you do owe her more as a co-parent, then improve her life by stepping up more as a co-parent — not not not by appointing yourself her life coach.
If you already do beyond your share as a co-parent, then trust and accept that as your only appropriate contribution to her prospects in life, which are otherwise now up to her.
Either way, if you ever find yourself “encourag[ing]” her to “want more,” put your fist in your mouth.
As much as it hurt, I left and started over, and I’m so happy now. I have a great apartment, I’m getting noticed at work, I’m dating casually, I’m even planning a three-week trip to South America. Life has really opened up for me.
I wish I could say the same of my ex-wife, but she has just shut down. She moved back in with her folks, which is so sad — she’s never had her own place; she even lived at home during college. From what I can tell, she doesn’t date, even though she’s a young, good-looking woman with a good job and our son is old enough now to leave with a babysitter.
I’ll always love her. I’ve tried reaching out, but she doesn’t respond to any overtures unless it’s about our son. You got a letter recently from someone who didn’t like questions from her ex about her love life. I’m honestly not doing that; I don’t care if she dates, I just want her to have a full life. I’d like to get together with her and talk about what she’s doing and encourage her to want more for herself. Is that out of line?
— Anonymous
Anonymous: You divorced your standing to want things for her. So, yes, out of line.
Apparently, you also left her to do the heavy daily work of living a premature middle age and rearing your son while you went out and got your 20s back. Out of line and in her face.
Over the years, I’ve read letters with some nerve, but this one has some freaking nerve. (That’s two levels up from basic nerve.)
You don’t mention anything about money, and maybe that’s because it isn’t an issue, and maybe that’s because you’re giving her enough in child support and possibly alimony to enable her to move herself and your son out of her parents’ home into quality housing of her own, and she simply has chosen not to do that. If so, then, okay — I’ll back off that part of it.
Anonymous: You divorced your standing to want things for her. So, yes, out of line.
Apparently, you also left her to do the heavy daily work of living a premature middle age and rearing your son while you went out and got your 20s back. Out of line and in her face.
Over the years, I’ve read letters with some nerve, but this one has some freaking nerve. (That’s two levels up from basic nerve.)
You don’t mention anything about money, and maybe that’s because it isn’t an issue, and maybe that’s because you’re giving her enough in child support and possibly alimony to enable her to move herself and your son out of her parents’ home into quality housing of her own, and she simply has chosen not to do that. If so, then, okay — I’ll back off that part of it.
If you do owe her more as a co-parent, then improve her life by stepping up more as a co-parent — not not not by appointing yourself her life coach.
If you already do beyond your share as a co-parent, then trust and accept that as your only appropriate contribution to her prospects in life, which are otherwise now up to her.
Either way, if you ever find yourself “encourag[ing]” her to “want more,” put your fist in your mouth.
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Let's start with that particular type of person (oh, all right, I'll say it: man) who decides that he's tired of being an adult and walks out not just on his wife but often his child as well. If he has more than two weekends a month of custody, I'll eat my keyboard, if only because if he had that child 50% of the time, you know he'd say it instead of saying he's old enough to be left with a sitter.
I think Carolyn nails it: he has just enough awareness to feel guilty that he left his wife and child, and wants her to have the kind of whoopee lifestyle that would let him believe that he didn't just do the best thing for himself, but her as well.
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Wow did my blood pressure just go up. I am trying really hard not to wish that something wrecks this guys fun and fancy free lifestyle soon and permanently.
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Like, it's not clear from the letter what the child support situation is financially, but the way it's written definitely doesn't sound like he has much if any custody (or like he's particularly bothered by that) or does any meaningful amount of parenting. He goes on about how sad it is that she's moved back in with her parents, but they're probably doing more to help with the kid than he is.
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And if she lived with her parents during college, she might like them. Some people do. She and her parents might be actively enthusiastic about the kid staying with his grandparents while mom is at work.
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The appalling, callous cruelty of "life was going to pass me by" - wow. "Life" didn't include partnership with her or parenting their child. Apparently "life" means dating casually and living alone; these are The Standards by which he judges her life (which he is not part of anymore) and finds it lacking. The idea that she might want different things than he does has not penetrated his skull. Apparently, for all those years she wasted on him*, he wasn't particularly aware of her as a person at all, and doesn't see any reason to change that.
May he never be in a position to betray another woman or child who'd believed they mattered to him.
*Five years married, four years of college, however long they dated in high school? My god, the poor woman.
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They were together since high school, married right out of college... Wonderful, he feels like his life is lacking because he didn't get years of casual sex opportunities so he walks out on his wife and kid about it. And he's sad the woman he loves (and abandoned with their kid) isn't having casual sex, too.
WTF.
I don't wanna say they could have solved this problem by talking to each other, but if the only problem in your marriage is no casual sex for BOTH of you, there's non monogamous options here.
But dude walked out because of random feelings so good riddance, you better be paying child support, stay out of your ex's life, I don't care how much you "love" her.
Edit: also, old enough to leave with a sitter? HOW OLD IS YOUR KID, DID YOU WALK OUT ON HER AND AN INFANT.
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Like, just, the whole idea that "middle age" = "the time of raising the kids" is so... I don't even know how to say it. But it's not coming out of constant cultural attention to "the biological clock" and "women need to have babies at specific ages".
Dude assumes middle age is the time for babies. Okay. Cool. But you presumably had the baby on purpose???
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Some dude: why did my ex-wife move back in with her parents? it's a deep mystery!
Ex-wife: SOMEONE HAS TO PROVIDE CHILDCARE AND IT'S NOT BEING YOU.
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I work for a company that offers varied assignments including some serious travel, and I encourage younger employees to take advantage of those opportunities while they can. It gets harder as you get older and your responsibilities grow. I am not surprised LW felt he settled down and made commitments too young.
But the fact is, he made those commitments, and the people involved don't just disappear when he tries to extricate himself. He wants to reach out to his ex-wife because he's starting to feel guilty about how his leaving affected her, but he frames any difficulties she is experiencing (which we only have his perspective on) as her problem rather than a consequence of his choice. I feel terrible for the child, who barely gets a mention.
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But he's got a kid, who he doesn't appear to give a shit about.
Alestorm's "F'ed with an Anchor" is playing in the background right now. Yep, sums up my feelings towards this pitable excuse for an adult.
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Which is why I shouldn’t read the comments, I guess.
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I want to be surprised and am merely grimly horrified. I feel sorry for the families of everyone who thinks LW has a point.
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Anonymous: You divorced your standing to want things for her. So, yes, out of line.
Apparently, you also left her to do the heavy daily work of living a premature middle age and rearing your son while you went out and got your 20s back. Out of line and in her face.
Over the years, I’ve read letters with some nerve, but this one has some freaking nerve. (That’s two levels up from basic nerve.)
You don’t mention anything about money, and maybe that’s because it isn’t an issue, and maybe that’s because you’re giving her enough in child support and possibly alimony to enable her to move herself and your son out of her parents’ home into quality housing of her own, and she simply has chosen not to do that. If so, then, okay — I’ll back off that part of it.
And if you share custody or if she has your son because you tried for but weren’t awarded custody, then I might even lay down a few of my torches and pitchforks.
But even if you didn’t dump all your responsibilities, only your marriage, then there are still layers of omg here, including that you didn’t mention the financial or custodial arrangements at all in your letter lamenting her choices. It’s relevant, no? Whether she can club-hop with Life and spend three weeks overseas while you primary-parent?
And then there’s the ick of condescension. Maybe “sad” to her is what you did, or an apartment for her and kid, and “full” is the life a multigenerational, multi-adult household gives your child. Not that this way or your way or whatever other way is right, just that a narrow mind is wrong. Read what you wrote again and imagine it’s through her eyes this time — then once more, through a friendly disinterested-newspaper-stranger’s eyes. Maybe she thinks the definition of “sad” is to equate a spouse, home and a child to having “life pass me by.”
And then there’s your complete omission — maybe it’s denial? — of how her embracing your vision of “more” would conveniently let you off the guilt hook.
I will go on the record now, as I probably should have a few harrumphant paragraphs ago, with my firm belief that white-knuckling through life in an unhappy marriage is not a virtue. If you were miserable, and if you threw your whole self into trying to fix the marriage only to feel just as stuck, then a choice to leave was valid and arguably necessary.
But how and whom you leave matters — so if you sloughed off all that life weight onto her instead of carrying every ounce of it that you were still responsible for, then you own that, whether she lives happily ever after you or not. Just as you don’t own her struggle anymore if you’re pulling your weight.
Absent these key details, I have to give you two answers:
If you do owe her more as a co-parent, then improve her life by stepping up more as a co-parent — not not not by appointing yourself her life coach.
If you already do beyond your share as a co-parent, then trust and accept that as your only appropriate contribution to her prospects in life, which are otherwise now up to her.
Either way, if you ever find yourself “encourag[ing]” her to “want more,” put your fist in your mouth.
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I will go on the record now, as I probably should have a few harrumphant paragraphs ago, with my firm belief that white-knuckling through life in an unhappy marriage is not a virtue. If you were miserable, and if you threw your whole self into trying to fix the marriage only to feel just as stuck, then a choice to leave was valid and arguably necessary.
But how and whom you leave matters — so if you sloughed off all that life weight onto her instead of carrying every ounce of it that you were still responsible for, then you own that, whether she lives happily ever after you or not. Just as you don’t own her struggle anymore if you’re pulling your weight.
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Thank you for putting this here.
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