Dear Abby: Girlfriend Wants Live-In Beau To End His Marriage

[cereta]

DEAR ABBY: I have been with a man for the last six years. He has been separated for 20 years. When I asked him if he was going to finalize his divorce, he said no. When I said I would like a commitment, he said he gave me one when he moved in five years ago. I said I want more. His wife even asked him for a divorce, but he said it's expensive. I told him by my upcoming 50th birthday I want a yes or no on the divorce. What should I do? -- IN LIMBO IN MASSACHUSETTS

DEAR IN LIMBO: Assuming this man lives with you rent-free, you have spent the last six years with a houseguest who is more concerned with his net worth than your need for validation. If his wife wanted a divorce, it would have happened already, and the issue of property division could have been bifurcated (separated). Obviously, this arrangement is serving them both in some way. Your next step should be to make a final decision about whether the status quo is acceptable to you, because it isn't going to change.

Comments

[cereta]

Oh my Gooooood, why do women believe this horseshit, over and over and over? I swear, I want to make, "things that should have you slamming the door in a heartbeat" part of the high school curriculum. Item: "Lots of people have HPV!"

[conuly]

At least this one actually left his wife.

[likeaduck]

I mean...lots of people do have HPV?

[cereta]

I should have provided context: when said by one person to another person in the context of them having sex with each other, it is usually presented as a reason not to guard against HPV transmission.

[likeaduck]

Sure. It's part of the reason my partner and I decided not to use barriers. We talked about it, we both feel like HPV is super common, and not a big enough deal for us to be worth changing our sex practices over.

I get that you have a specific scenario in mind where someone is being shitty, but I kind of think holding that line up as a universal sign of shittiness stigmatizes having HPV. Like, I think the actual sentiment you're trying to convey with it is "your boundaries and sense of safety don't matter", but that's not what those words necessarily mean out of context.

[cereta]

Fair enough.

[mommy]

I don't hate this advice? And it's from Abby. How odd.

[jadelennox]

yeah I had the same two-part response as you.

[fox]

When I asked him if he was going to finalize his divorce, he said no.

I told him by my upcoming 50th birthday I want a yes or no on the divorce.

Ma'am?

[ambyr]

Right? I might not want to be involved with this guy myself, but he's been very upfront: he's told her he's married and he's told her he's not interested in changing that.

[fox]

Exactly. I mean I think the guy is probably a waste of air myself, but one thing he hasn't been is dishonest. What the LW actually means is "by my upcoming 50th birthday I want a different answer about the divorce."

[minoanmiss]

*facepalms*

[melannen]

The no-longer-new girlfriend wants the divorce to happen. The ex-wife wants the divorce to happen. This sounds like an excellent opportunity for the two of them to team up and fall in love.

(My guess is that if the divorce happens, it will not be just legal expenses, but the ex-wife finally getting money/assets she should have had access to decades ago. But if the current girlfriend and wife team up to get him a quickie for-fault divorce on the basis of obvious adultery I suspect he will be even worse off!)

[conuly]

Adultery + abandonment.

[cereta]

Yeah, I have to wonder just what is holding the wife back from divorcing him, because legally, he doesn't actually have to agree for the divorce to happen. A judge can and will compel his participation, or, if he refuses to participate, issue a summary judgment. I have a feeling that wife knows her husband would drag out proceedings just to be a dick, and that what she'd get wouldn't cover legal expenses.

[melannen]

I think there are a lot of places where for-fault divorces are way more trouble, plus if the separation was mutually agreed and she's also had other partners it might not be slam dunk? So I can see thinking it makes more sense to hold out for no-fault of there's no really strong reasons. But I bet with the girlfriend on her side she could make it work!

[likeaduck]

I'm signing up for the mailing list for updates on this novel.

[laurajv]

a contested no-fault divorce in Massachusetts is likely to be both faster and cheaper. I'm not entirely sure why the ex-wife hasn't actually filed for one, if she actually wants the divorce, but sometimes these things go very weird. (My parents were separated for 10 years before my father finally agreed to a divorce. My mother could have forced one, but didn't, for reasons I don't understand entirely. But all I'm saying is that sometimes people do this and I don't know why.)

[cereta]

Yeah, I've seen people just kind of hang out in married-but-not-together limbo for years. I mean, divorce is complicated, and pursuing one when the other party is not cooperating is even more so (and also potentially very expensive).

[bikergeek]

Also, I live in Massachusetts and "separated" is not a thing in Mass. family law:
"Massachusetts doesn’t have a procedure called “legal separation.”"

(https://www.mass.gov/legal-separationseparate-support)