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LW, if you were such a great mom, why does your son hate you?
Dear Eric: I lost my husband two years ago after a long, drawn-out decline. It was a traumatic ending.
Our son, now in his late 40s, was indifferent to his father’s decline. Our son has always been a challenge. Difficult teenage years with lots of poor decisions and rebellious behavior. He did not want to be a part of our family and has adopted other families as his own. He calls other people Mom and Dad, does not call or keep in touch with us. I have accepted his decisions.
We were not bad parents. We provided a solid family life, celebrating birthdays, Christmas and vacations. We had a loving home.
When my son was 13, he started breaking the rules, smoking and selling pot, being disrespectful, skipping school and being embarrassed by us. He was not abused or neglected in any way. He called his father’s life’s work “crap” and diminished us in every way.
Now that my husband has passed, I’m in the process of making a new will. I do not wish to leave my son anything because he has disinherited us. He will be surprised that our estate is larger than he expects. He is very detached and treats me with contempt. Should I leave a letter to explain this or just let the chips fall where they may?
– No Longer Mom
Dear No Longer Mom: Leaving a letter may help clarify your intentions and motivations – though talk it through with your estate lawyer to ensure that its existence doesn’t complicate or contradict anything in your new will.
However, it seems like the primary purpose of the letter will be to grant you a sense of closure for a painfully unfair part of your life. There’s nothing wrong with that. But it may be more effective for you to let the legal documents speak for themselves – he may not be expecting anything at this point – and use your letter to just focus on how you’ve felt and what you need to say to him.
After writing it and thinking about it, you may even decide to send it sooner.
In this case, conflating the disinheritance with his dismissal of you may make the issue seem to be only about money. The real issue is the breakdown of the relationship and your feelings about that deserve to be heard clearly.
Link
Our son, now in his late 40s, was indifferent to his father’s decline. Our son has always been a challenge. Difficult teenage years with lots of poor decisions and rebellious behavior. He did not want to be a part of our family and has adopted other families as his own. He calls other people Mom and Dad, does not call or keep in touch with us. I have accepted his decisions.
We were not bad parents. We provided a solid family life, celebrating birthdays, Christmas and vacations. We had a loving home.
When my son was 13, he started breaking the rules, smoking and selling pot, being disrespectful, skipping school and being embarrassed by us. He was not abused or neglected in any way. He called his father’s life’s work “crap” and diminished us in every way.
Now that my husband has passed, I’m in the process of making a new will. I do not wish to leave my son anything because he has disinherited us. He will be surprised that our estate is larger than he expects. He is very detached and treats me with contempt. Should I leave a letter to explain this or just let the chips fall where they may?
– No Longer Mom
Dear No Longer Mom: Leaving a letter may help clarify your intentions and motivations – though talk it through with your estate lawyer to ensure that its existence doesn’t complicate or contradict anything in your new will.
However, it seems like the primary purpose of the letter will be to grant you a sense of closure for a painfully unfair part of your life. There’s nothing wrong with that. But it may be more effective for you to let the legal documents speak for themselves – he may not be expecting anything at this point – and use your letter to just focus on how you’ve felt and what you need to say to him.
After writing it and thinking about it, you may even decide to send it sooner.
In this case, conflating the disinheritance with his dismissal of you may make the issue seem to be only about money. The real issue is the breakdown of the relationship and your feelings about that deserve to be heard clearly.
Link
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that sure sounds like someone whose biological parents were not meeting his emotional needs!