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Dear Care and Feeding,
My wife, “Licia,” is costing me my relationship with my daughter and grandson, and I don’t know what to do. Licia and our daughter, “Sophia,” have always had a difficult relationship. My wife’s approach to others is, “When I want your opinion, I’ll give it to you,” and Sophia has never been one to be bossed around. Once she left for college, she barely came home, although she did speak to me on the phone several times a month. She didn’t even tell us when she got married five years ago. According to her, she didn’t want the stress of dealing with her mother while planning, or at, her wedding.
Sophia and her husband have a son, “Aaron,” who is now almost 4, and she has tried to make a relationship with her mother work for his sake. Two weeks ago, she was over at our house with Aaron.
He was playing in the kitchen; Licia was in the room too, eating grapes. When she dropped one, then picked it up and ate it, Aaron told her his mom said not to eat things that have been on the floor. Licia responded that his mom doesn’t know anything and that he shouldn’t listen to her. It turned out that Sophia was just outside the kitchen and heard what her mother said about her. She took Aaron and left.
Sophia’s husband has been contemplating a transfer to another state for his job, but they were on the fence because they wanted to stay close to us so Aaron could see us regularly. Now Sophia says Licia has made the decision for them by “undermining” her to her son. I’ve begged my wife to apologize to Sophia, but she refuses. I am heartsick over the prospect of my daughter moving away and taking my only grandchild with her. How can I get my wife to come to her senses before it’s too late?
—Grieving Grandpa
Dear Grieving,
I wish I had some magic words for you, but I don’t think there is any way you can get your wife to apologize or change her ways going forward. She sounds like a hard woman to be married to. And although I feel for you, I don’t blame your daughter one bit for wanting to wash her hands of her mother at this point.
You should not feel honor-bound to stand by your wife’s dreadful behavior. You should not allow your daughter to think, even for a second, that you don’t sympathize with her. You should assure her that you love her and your grandson beyond measure, that if her family moves away, you will visit them as often as you can — without Licia — and that if they decide to stay, you’ll spend as much time with your grandson as they allow. That you will never force them to spend time with Licia.
Can you do this? I ask you with some urgency, because I had an uncle who was in this very same position, and he did stand by his awful wife—he felt he had to—and his daughter, my cousin, eventually cut both of her parents out of her and her children’s lives. Years later, after my cousin’s mother died, my uncle made an effort to reconnect with his long-lost daughter, but it was too late: She had closed her heart to him. To the day he died, my Uncle Isaac was full of regret. Don’t let this happen to you.
—Michelle
Link
My wife, “Licia,” is costing me my relationship with my daughter and grandson, and I don’t know what to do. Licia and our daughter, “Sophia,” have always had a difficult relationship. My wife’s approach to others is, “When I want your opinion, I’ll give it to you,” and Sophia has never been one to be bossed around. Once she left for college, she barely came home, although she did speak to me on the phone several times a month. She didn’t even tell us when she got married five years ago. According to her, she didn’t want the stress of dealing with her mother while planning, or at, her wedding.
Sophia and her husband have a son, “Aaron,” who is now almost 4, and she has tried to make a relationship with her mother work for his sake. Two weeks ago, she was over at our house with Aaron.
He was playing in the kitchen; Licia was in the room too, eating grapes. When she dropped one, then picked it up and ate it, Aaron told her his mom said not to eat things that have been on the floor. Licia responded that his mom doesn’t know anything and that he shouldn’t listen to her. It turned out that Sophia was just outside the kitchen and heard what her mother said about her. She took Aaron and left.
Sophia’s husband has been contemplating a transfer to another state for his job, but they were on the fence because they wanted to stay close to us so Aaron could see us regularly. Now Sophia says Licia has made the decision for them by “undermining” her to her son. I’ve begged my wife to apologize to Sophia, but she refuses. I am heartsick over the prospect of my daughter moving away and taking my only grandchild with her. How can I get my wife to come to her senses before it’s too late?
—Grieving Grandpa
Dear Grieving,
I wish I had some magic words for you, but I don’t think there is any way you can get your wife to apologize or change her ways going forward. She sounds like a hard woman to be married to. And although I feel for you, I don’t blame your daughter one bit for wanting to wash her hands of her mother at this point.
You should not feel honor-bound to stand by your wife’s dreadful behavior. You should not allow your daughter to think, even for a second, that you don’t sympathize with her. You should assure her that you love her and your grandson beyond measure, that if her family moves away, you will visit them as often as you can — without Licia — and that if they decide to stay, you’ll spend as much time with your grandson as they allow. That you will never force them to spend time with Licia.
Can you do this? I ask you with some urgency, because I had an uncle who was in this very same position, and he did stand by his awful wife—he felt he had to—and his daughter, my cousin, eventually cut both of her parents out of her and her children’s lives. Years later, after my cousin’s mother died, my uncle made an effort to reconnect with his long-lost daughter, but it was too late: She had closed her heart to him. To the day he died, my Uncle Isaac was full of regret. Don’t let this happen to you.
—Michelle
Link
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Looking at a lot of letters like this though, that must be an extraordinarily hard thing to realize.
I guess this advice is good. I hope the daughter moves.
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