agonyaunt | (no subject)

Dear Annie: My 15-year-old daughter and I used to be extremely close. She was the kind of child who would climb into the car after school and tell me everything before I even pulled out of the parking lot: who sat with whom at lunch, what her teacher said, which friend was mad at which friend and what song everyone was listening to that week.

Now, I feel like I am living with a very fashionable attorney who cross-examines everything I say.

If I ask how school was, she says, "Fine," in a tone that makes it clear the conversation is over. If I ask whether she has homework, she says I do not trust her. If I remind her to bring a sweatshirt, she tells me I am treating her like a baby. If I say nothing at all, she asks why I am "being weird."

Last week, I made her favorite dinner, hoping we could have a nice evening. She came downstairs wearing headphones, picked at her food and answered every question with one word. When I gently asked if something was wrong, she snapped that I was always "making everything a big deal." Then she went upstairs, closed her door and laughed on FaceTime with her friends for an hour.

The part that stings is that she still seems like herself with everyone else. Her teachers tell me she is polite and funny. Her friends' parents say she is a joy to have over. But at home, I seem to get the eye rolls, the sighs and the door-slamming version of her.

I know teenagers need independence. I know I should not take every mood personally. But I miss my daughter. I miss the girl who used to sit on my bed and tell me long, dramatic stories about nothing. I miss being the person she came to first, not the person she pushes away.

I do not want to smother her, lecture her or turn every conversation into a battle. But I also do not want to give up trying to connect. How do I stay close to a teenager who acts like my love is an inconvenience? -- Missing My Little Girl

Dear Missing: Your daughter is not rejecting your love; she is practicing independence on the safest person she knows. Stay steady, keep the door open and look for small moments of connection instead of big heart-to-hearts. Try a car ride, a snack, a funny show or a late-night check-in, when teens are often more willing to talk. Do not chase every mood, but do keep showing up. The eye rolls are temporary, but your calm presence will be remembered.

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I must count myself perplexed. Are these the only sorts of conversations LW is trying to have with Daughter? If so, I'm not surprised she's pulling back. What about talking about what you just read or watched or listened to? Or about your funny anecdote from work? Or, hell, texting her pet images, which is like 99% of our family text chain?

Welcome to having a teenager. This was definitely me at 13. My younger sister hated it, and was even more appalled when she started doing it at 13! I was recent dreading my great niece turning 13, but it turns out only her mom gets it—she’s still lovely with me.

I was going to say something similar. My wife, who taught middle schoolers for years had a whole prepared speech for parents at the beginning of the year about how it goes from chatty kid to sullen quiet kid with parents. And how it isn't them, its the kid and being a teenager/hormones/independence etc. LW is kust learning that their kid is trying to establish some boundaries and independence.

So smart to give the parents the “this is normal” talk!

I was recent dreading my great niece turning 13, but it turns out only her mom gets it—she’s still lovely with me.

I’m going to hazard a guess that you have never appointed yourself Boss Of Her (or Snitch to the Boss Of Her), and so remain safe to confide in.

Yeah, she doesn’t have to rebel for independence from me

Yeah, LW’s daughter is clearly suffering from a clinical case of adolescence. Time and patience are the only medicine. I hope LW can learn to take it less personally - perhaps by casting back to what she was like at 15?

Also this is a good sign? Or in the absence of other bad ones, it is. LW's daughter feels safe enough in LW's love to act out against her.