Agony Aunt

agonyaunt @ 2026-05-12T18:15:00

2026-05-12T22:18:43Z

Posted by: conuly

Dear Eric: When my family's children were young, they mostly traveled the 200 miles to visit for holidays. Now the children are older, and have jobs, friends et cetera. The parents now seem to expect us to do the traveling. We are in our late 70s, and this is getting harder to do.

The change in beds, food, schedules and houses put a toll on our physical body that takes days to recover. This seems hard for them to understand as they haven’t reached this stage.

We now are faced with missing holidays with them to comply with their demands. I have faced the possibility of loneliness that older people seemingly endure nowadays. Is there an answer to this problem or must I endure pain and trauma to see family in older age?

– Sad, Lonely and In Pain

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Social Q's: One Day, It May Be a Yes

2026-05-12T16:07:29Z

Posted by: katiedid717

I am a social person. But increasingly, I have little time to socialize. I have two young children and a demanding job. Still, some friends text me frequently, even though I reply concisely and keep refusing their kind invitations. Should I be firmer — maybe start ignoring texts?
BUSY MOM

I once had a boss who, like you, was a busy working mother. She taught me a valuable lesson for managing social interactions on text and email: Do not become hostage to your phone or feel compelled to respond to every message as it arrives. Once or twice a day, spend 15 or 20 minutes responding to all of them — and don’t worry about them again until the next time. It beats telling friends to stop texting.

EDIT: LW provided more info in the comments

I am Busy Mom, LW #4. I just want to clarify something.

In my email to Philip, I used the word "acquaintances," not "friend." The texts I am referring to are from former coworkers, parents of my kids' old friends who now attend different schools, etc. - people I really don't know very well.

I know I should count my blessings, and I do appreciate that people are reaching out, but I truly feel overwhelmed by the number of texts I get from these acquaintances. There are a few former co-workers who text me all the time just to chat and "stay in touch," and I truly do not have as much time for them as they have for me. I'm genuinely wondering if it's better to "ghost" them and stop replying, or to say I don't have the capacity right now.

I'm not sure if other young(ish) parents can relate, but parenting right now feels like a constant barrage of communications - medical appointment reminders, school and after-school emails, parent chat groups, parent-teacher meeting updates, mom WhatsApp groups, neighborhood Signal chats, school log-in systems with updates from teachers, I am completely and utterly overwhelmed with information overload. I get so much textual messaging across so many different platforms, it honestly stresses me out, and I can't keep track of everything.

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LW does not have an inlaw problem, she has a husband problem

2026-04-26T02:55:10Z

Posted by: conuly

Dear Annie: I have been married for 12 years to a good man whom I love very much, but I dread nearly every holiday, birthday dinner and casual Sunday visit with his family. On the surface, my in-laws are charming, polished and the sort of people everyone else describes as "so nice." But behind that polished exterior is a steady drip of cutting remarks aimed almost entirely at me.

My mother-in-law has a talent for delivering insults with a smile. She will look at a meal I brought and say, "Well, that's certainly ... rustic," or ask whether I am "still doing that little job of yours," even though I work full time and do quite well. My father-in-law joins in with jokes about how their son "used to eat better before marriage" or how I have "modern ideas" whenever I disagree with them about anything from parenting to politics to how often we should visit.

The comments are always subtle enough that if I react, I look oversensitive. But after years of this, I feel like I am being pecked to death by very well-dressed chickens.

What hurts most is that my husband says, "That's just how they are," and urges me to ignore it to keep the peace. But there is no peace for me. I leave these gatherings replaying every jab in my head for days.

How do I tell my in-laws to stop without blowing up the family? And how do I get my husband to understand that "just ignore it" is not a strategy, it is surrender? -- Bruised by Politeness

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LW should've sent this one to Ask a Manager

2026-04-26T02:50:23Z

Posted by: conuly

DEAR ABBY: I'm struggling with what to do about my first job out of college. I've been here for four months, and while I expected a learning curve, I didn't expect the environment to feel so hostile. My boss yells at me across the office for small, easily fixable mistakes. The latest incident involved her slamming her hands on the table several times and shouting, "What are you talking about?" while I was trying to clarify a question. I couldn't even get my words out.

I'm in the second round of interviews for another job with a different company, and I'm torn about what to do. My parents think I should stick it out to avoid being seen as a job hopper. But I feel anxious going into work every day. This environment is eroding my confidence.

Furthermore, I will be moving to a new town with my fiance next year, so I'm wondering if it's smarter to stay for another several months or take the new job (which will be remote, if I get it) even though I'm worried I might not like that one either.

Am I too sensitive? Should I leave a job this quickly, or push through until my move? How do I make the right decision when I feel guilty no matter what I choose? -- CONFLICTED IN NEBRASKA

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agonyaunt @ 2026-04-23T23:00:00

2026-04-24T03:01:08Z

Posted by: conuly

DEAR ABBY: I have conflicting feelings regarding Valentine's Day. I believe it is a celebration for couples rather than co-workers. My husband's office staff (eight young women under the age of 30) insist on celebrating Valentine's Day with decorations on all office doors, complete with hearts and cupids. They have a catered lunch with specialty treats of chocolate-covered strawberries, fudge hearts and the customary heart candies that read "Be Mine," "I Love You", etc.

My husband has been with this company for 30 years, and we've been together for 15 of them, but this Valentine's Day celebration began only four years ago. I am 65 and have worked 20-plus years for a Fortune 500 corporate office and NEVER has Valentine's Day been celebrated in the office. Christmas, yes. Fourth of July, yes. But Valentine's Day? Am I just old and cranky? This has been a source of contention between my husband and me since it began. -- NOT LOVIN' THAT IN TEXAS

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agonyaunt @ 2026-04-23T22:48:00

2026-04-24T02:52:39Z

Posted by: conuly

( Cut for queerphobia )

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Miss Manners: They invited me to brunch at their freezing mansion

2026-04-16T02:55:22Z

Posted by: med_cat

Greetings, everyone! I have been enjoying reading the entries and discussion in this community, and came upon this article today that I thought I'd share:
~~~
Link: wapo.st/4csfhDU

Dear Miss Manners:

I was invited to a brunch as the only guest. The hosts live in a 6,000-square-foot mansion, of which all of the rooms could be photographed for a slick architectural magazine.

Brunch was delicious, but the rub of the situation was that the house was 54 degrees in temperature, and it was 15 degrees outside.

I am on blood thinners and I am very cognizant of cold. When I inquired if they were having heating issues, the reply was that the house is too expensive to warm up to 68 degrees, and that they do not like large gas bills.( Read more... )

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Why Tho: Can we leave out the horrible kid?

2026-04-14T21:27:10Z

Posted by: petrea_mitchell

Actual headline: Why Tho: My birthday kid wants to invite everyone in class to his party - but not this 1 boy

Dear Lizzy,

My son is in third grade, and his birthday is coming up. He’s told me he wants to invite his whole class to his party (at a park) except for one kid.

This kid is a menace, if I am honest. He breaks things in class and yells and hits. He is actually quite mean to my son. I want to respect my son’s wishes here, but is it fair to invite everyone except him?

To Exclude or Not to Exclude

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AAM: the office with the cardboard coworker, part 2

2026-04-06T19:31:33Z

Posted by: petrea_mitchell

A sequel to AAM: how do we hire people who won’t be alarmed by our cardboard coworker?.

Thank you for responding to my letter. After reading the response and comments, I realized that the alien orgasm example drew more attention than I expected, even though I had meant it as one particularly bad example rather than the main issue itself. I wanted to add a little more context and clarify a few points.

The alien orgasm example was an outlier, and one of the worst examples I could remember, which is why I used it. The “alien anatomy” discussion was also less about sex itself than about whether extraterrestrials would experience pleasure or physical sensation the same way humans do, especially if they did not even have bodies like ours. I understand that it was still inappropriate, but some commenters seemed to come away with the impression that sex is a regular topic in the office, and that is not really the case.

A more typical version of these conversations would be discussions about books, movies, and TV shows. We have had conversations like which horror movie character was so stupid that you actively rooted for their death. We have also had conversations like which politician you would “make disappear” if you could get away with it, but when someone pointed out that it was inappropriate, the conversation moved on without any fuss. In general, the conversations tend to get strange in a morbid way rather than in a sexualized one. That is still a problem, of course, just not quite the same one some people focused on.

The office betting pool is less about hostility toward specific celebrities and more about the kind of morbid joking people make about public figures who seem as though they have been old forever. The attitude is usually more “I cannot believe this person is still alive” than “I want this person to die.” Similarly, the “scandals” people talk about are usually things like cheating, wearing something provocative, or being rude to a fan, rather than actual criminal behavior. I do not participate in the betting pool because I would feel too guilty winning a paid day off by correctly guessing someone’s death, but people do sometimes mention their picks during lunch.

I mentioned lunch because that is usually when the conversations can get strange. Most of our work requires concentration, so there is not much chatting during the day, and many people wear headphones most of the time. Team lunches also really are optional. We are a small team inside a large company, so the whole team does not eat together every day, but there are usually six to eight people having lunch together, even if it is not always the same group.

I described cardboard Robert as the strangest part because all the other things are occasional, and lunch itself is optional. Some people never have lunch with the team, and that is completely fine. But Robert is there every day, sitting at a desk and being greeted. It took me about two months to find out there was a death pool, and some time before I heard one of the more inappropriate lunch conversations, but I was introduced to Robert on my first day. My manager even told the team to act normal during my first week so they would not scare me off. The monthly “hunt” for Robert is optional and avoidable, but comments about him happen every day, and new employees are introduced to him as though he is simply part of the team.

In your response, it seemed as though my letter came across as asking, “How can we change our culture so people don’t feel this is a sexualized environment?” I can understand why, given the example I used, but the help I was really hoping for was a little different. What I was trying to ask was something more like, “How can I help my manager hire someone who is likely to fit in here, while also giving candidates a fair sense of what the office is like, so neither side feels misled?” Someone suggested inviting candidates to join a typical team lunch, and that was much closer to the kind of suggestion I had been hoping for.

I also appreciated your point that inappropriate conversations are inappropriate no matter when they happen. I do know that, and I think at least part of the team knows it too, given the ongoing joke that there is probably a reason our room is physically as far from HR as possible. But I am not a manager, and honestly I do not want to be one. My manager decided that because I was the most recent hire, I was the right person to help her think through this, even though I do not really have the authority or the tools to change how the team operates. I will pass these points along to her, but I do not think much would change without rebuilding the team almost from scratch.

To be clear, I do understand why these things are a problem. I am not trying to defend them or suggest that people are wrong for not wanting to work here. I just wanted to provide more context so I could get advice that was more specific to the situation I was actually asking about. Some of the comments were genuinely helpful, and I was hoping that with a better explanation I might get more of that. But if the answer is still simply that the culture needs to change, I do understand that, and I appreciate your response anyway.

Sincerely,
The Person with the Cardboard Coworker

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agonyaunt @ 2026-04-02T12:05:00

2026-04-02T16:28:17Z

Posted by: conuly

DEAR HARRIETTE: I am an openly gay and rather feminine man from the Midwest currently enrolled at college in New York City. Over the weekend, my college friends and I went out with some guys they know from another college upstate. The entire night, the men they brought were making microaggressions and homophobic remarks that made me feel like I was back in high school in the Midwest. When talking about the night with my friends, I felt like I was sucking joy out of the room and robbing them of their experiences. I don't want my negative experiences to hinder theirs; however, I do want them to know how the men made me feel. I don't know how to navigate this situation. Harriette, what do you think I should do? -- Awkward Encounter

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Our Youngest Child Has Cut Ties With Our Family. Help!

2026-03-25T18:06:22Z

Posted by: magid

From today’s NY Times, in the weekly Social Q’s column.

Our youngest, who is 37 and uses they/them pronouns, has a long history of psychological problems. They sent a text informing us that they no longer want to interact with family members, and that if we want to meet with them, they require an advocate to be present. This child lives in our second home. They don’t pay rent, but they have a job that covers food and health insurance costs. We’re not sure what caused the break. They had a very bad interaction with our son, and we asked them to work it out themselves. But our son wants nothing to do with his sibling, and my husband wants to stop communicating with them, too. He says they are toxic. I am heartbroken. What should I do?

MOTHER

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agonyaunt @ 2026-03-24T14:53:00

2026-03-24T18:55:00Z

Posted by: conuly

Dear Pay Dirt,
My husband and I are fortunate enough to be homeowners with pretty good credit. We get credit card and loan offers in the mail all the time. I’ve been trying to declutter our house, and junk mail is a big issue. Everything goes on the entry way table and its always overflowing. I set up a recycle bin in the entry way for just such physical spam, but my husband won’t use it because he says we have to SHRED all those offers, and our shredder is not big enough to deal with all the constant clutter! Also, the shredder is in his office, and he only gets to it every other month or so, so the workflow doesn’t keep up.

I know that’s the best, most secure way to deal with junk. But really, our recycle bin is kept in the garage until the night before the garbage is collected., then we roll it out to the curb. We always put other recycling on top of the mail.

Is it really that dangerous to just toss those mailers as is? Maybe tear them up by hand first? Please help!
—Drowning in Junk Mail

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My Sister’s Husband Is Agreeing to Things No Straight Man Would. It’s a Sign.

2026-03-24T18:47:45Z

Posted by: conuly

Dear How to Do It,
I’m an 18-year-old guy, and I’ve recently had to move in with my older sister and her husband. My brother-in-law, “Kenneth,” is honestly the most amazing guy I’ve ever met. He’s kind, funny, and built like a Greek god. He’s also super traditional and religious, which is part of why I’m so confused.
Lately, I feel like there’s this insane sexual tension between us. He walks around the house in just sweatpants with no underwear, and the bulge is so obvious. I feel like he has to know what he’s doing. Today, he was working out shirtless, and I asked if I could just sit and watch. He said yes, no questions asked, and worked out for a full hour. He was lifting weights and flexing right in front of me.

To me, this is a clear sign. A straight guy wouldn’t let another guy just watch him work out, would he? He has to be into it. But he’s also my sister’s husband, and he’s super religious, so it’s all so complicated. I’m starting to think about ways to make a move, to show him I’m interested. I’m convinced he wants it too. My question is: Am I right? Is he giving me signals, or am I imagining this?
—Confused and Craving

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agonyaunt @ 2026-03-20T04:22:00

2026-03-20T08:24:22Z

Posted by: conuly

Dear Carolyn: My friends think I’m stupid. I’m a high school junior, and I go to a highly academically competitive school, where it is expected by my peers that you are supposed to take at least three AP classes. My closest friends are taking five. They are constantly stressed, overworked and burned out. My peers believe the only way to get into a “good” college (whatever that means) is to take as many AP classes as possible and to get the highest SAT score as possible. This, I know, is ridiculous on so many levels, but I stay out of it.

Lately, however, my friends have been shaming me for only taking one AP class, and for taking one standardized test vs. the other. I am going to college for musical theater, and admissions for those programs rely primarily on auditions, not grades. So why on earth would I put myself through so much stress if it won’t affect my college admissions? I’ve tried to explain this to my friends, but they think they know better than I. Additionally, they equate my taking only one AP class with being stupid. In the AP class I do take, my friend consistently shuts down and mocks my ideas with her other friends.

I’ve tried to mention the reasons I don’t take too many hard classes, but it’s like talking to a wall. I’ve also explained that since I was diagnosed with ADHD a year ago, I am now more aware of what I can handle. When all else failed, I even mentioned once that I have an IQ of 135 (tested when I was diagnosed with ADHD). I am actually quite smart. My friends stared at me and said, “Yeah… I think they lied to you.”

This hurts my feelings and happens so often that I’ve even started to believe I am stupid, despite all evidence to the contrary. Now I’ve started subconsciously playing into the “token dumb friend” stereotype because that is all I’m surrounded with. Should I not respond and ignore it?
— Stupidly Smart

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AAM: how do we hire people who won’t be alarmed by our cardboard coworker?

2026-03-18T17:47:27Z

Posted by: petrea_mitchell

A reader writes:

Recently my manager asked me to help revise a job posting and the hiring process because the last two people we hired left only a few weeks after starting. One said she didn’t think our workplace had a professional environment, and the other said she realized her values didn’t align with the company. Since I’m the most recent successful hire, my manager wants me to help her understand what was different about how I was selected.

You’re probably assuming my workplace must be toxic or terrible, but honestly it’s the most fun place I’ve ever worked, and that might actually be the problem. Nothing about it fits the usual idea of a bad workplace, but it is definitely … peculiar.

People often eat lunch together. Not everyone every day, but a few times a week most of us end up eating with coworkers. (Not everyone participates. The person who splits tasks with me says she already sees us enough at the office and never joins us, and no one minds.) Lunch is where most of the unusual things happen.

One employee created a betting sheet for which celebrity will be the next to die or get involved in a scandal. You can add one name per month, and if you guess correctly you win a day off. It sounds worse written down than it actually feels, but the people who participate genuinely enjoy it.

Lunch conversations can also drift into very unprofessional territory. The week one employee resigned, the lunch debate was whether extraterrestrials are capable of orgasms. That discussion lasted more than one lunch break because people kept proposing different possible alien anatomies.

But the least professional thing we do might be the cardboard figure sitting at a desk named Robert. Robert has been part of the company culture long before I joined. The story behind him is about a former employee who would arrive, greet everyone, and then disappear until it was time to go home. No one ever knew where Robert was, and whenever someone needed him they couldn’t find him, but the work always appeared completed.

One day the company needed a team photo, and someone grabbed a cardboard box, drew a face on it, added a badge, and included “Robert” in the picture. After the real Robert retired, the box eventually evolved into a full cardboard cutout that now sits at its own desk.

At the end of each month we usually have less work, and there’s a game where someone hides Robert somewhere in the company and everyone searches for him. At the end, everyone gets candy. Not everyone actively participates, one person keeps a map coordinating where Robert hasn’t been searched for yet, some people give suggestions, and others don’t care about the game, but no one objects to it except HR did ban hiding Robert in the interview room and the public-facing areas.

Both employees who resigned witnessed a “Find Robert” search. They didn’t mention it specifically, but I imagine it might have contributed to their impression that the environment wasn’t professional.

My manager wants help finding people who would think these things are funny rather than strange, and she asked how I felt when I started. I happened to begin (luckily or unluckily) when people were decorating Robert with a heart-pattern tie and a box of bonbons while discussing what kind of box Robert would like as a girlfriend. I thought it was weird in a funny way, and it didn’t bother me enough to reconsider the job.

Outside of lunch and the occasional Robert hunt, people are actually very professional during working hours, aside from occasionally greeting the cardboard coworker or decorating him for holidays. We’re a very productive and inclusive team, but I understand how it might seem strange to someone seeing it for the first time.

I honestly don’t know how to help my manager find competent people who would be comfortable with this environment. The person who interviewed me said the team was laid-back, but that definitely didn’t prepare me for what the office is actually like.

Someone suggested hiding Robert for a while, but wouldn’t it be better for new hires to know what they’re getting into? How could we find people who would feel comfortable discussing whether the aliens from Arrival understand sex and also think it’s perfectly normal to greet a cardboard coworker?

I realize your answer might be that our company isn’t the wonderful place I think it is and that we should behave more professionally. But considering that our CEO once hid Robert in his own office during one of the searches, I don’t think the culture will change. (Still, feel free to say so if that’s your view, sometimes an outside perspective is very different.) I’m mainly looking for ideas on how to select people who would actually find this kind of thing fun rather than uncomfortable.

( Cardboard Guy might not be the problem )

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agonyaunt @ 2026-03-18T10:20:00

2026-03-18T14:21:41Z

Posted by: conuly

Dear Prudence,

I’m a 21-year-old college student living in a house with five other students. There are three women and three men. We’re having an issue keeping our kitchen clean, and I am the only one who consistently cleans. I keep the floors and counters clean, wash the piles of dishes in the sink, wash dish towels, etc. Anytime I’ve asked people to chip in, they never follow through. I’ve tried not doing the cleaning, but then the kitchen gets disgusting and I end up caving.

I’m not completely innocent when it comes to not always washing my dishes immediately and being messy, but I feel like I clean more often than anyone else. A general chore chart doesn’t work, and I am tired of feeling like my roommate’s mother. How can I get them to take some initiative and do more of the heavy lifting that always falls on me?

—Not a Mother to Five at 21

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agonyaunt @ 2026-03-17T15:05:00

2026-03-17T19:15:15Z

Posted by: conuly

DEAR HARRIETTE: I've recently gone sober for health reasons, and it wasn't an easy decision, especially because my social life has always involved going out for drinks, celebrating with cocktails and bonding over happy hour. When my friends and I went out last weekend, they were pressuring me to drink. I ordered a mocktail, and almost immediately, my friends started to laugh and said that it would be fine to just have one drink. This surprised me because I never thought that my friends would try to force me to do something that would actively have a negative effect on my health. It made me feel unsupported and, frankly, disrespected. At the same time, I don't want to lose my friendships or isolate myself socially just because I'm choosing not to drink. Now I'm anxious about future outings. I don't want every dinner or celebration to turn into a debate about my personal choices. How should I talk to my friends about setting boundaries without making things awkward? -- Sober

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agonyaunt @ 2026-03-17T13:51:00

2026-03-17T18:07:45Z

Posted by: conuly

Dear Eric: My husband and his ex-wife have 50/50 custody of their 15-year-old son. I despise this child. He is completely useless, rude, disrespectful, selfish, ungrateful and lazy. All he does is stare at his computer screen. I have carefully planned my entire life schedule around his schedule, to avoid being at the house on the days he is there for my husband's 50 percent custody.

My husband has just told me that his ex-wife is moving to another state far away and that he is going to take full custody of his son. This means the child I despise so much is now going to be living with me at my house full time, every single day, and there's nothing I can do about it. My husband refuses to let his son move away with his ex. How do I manage this?

– Fed Up

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Admin: Loss of a member

2026-03-16T15:35:00Z

Posted by: cereta

As some of you already know, our wonderful minoanmiss left us on March 3rd. Her loved ones asked us not to make any public announcements for reasons involving her family of origin, but we've been given permission to announce to the community now.

Those here in agonyaunt will remember her for her contributions from Ask A Manager, and her insightful comments on family, found family, and other topics. The wider fannish community will remember her for her amazing fiction and her art, particularly her drawings of Minoan culture. Others will remember her for her amazing fruitcake and other culinary adventures.

sabotabby created this lovely portrait. I think I will try to remember her this way.

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Care and Feeding: Parenting While Sick

2026-03-12T21:43:34Z

Posted by: cereta

Dear Care and Feeding,

I’m a stay-at-home mom, and my husband works outside the home. We have three kids and obviously we all sometimes get sick. However, for some reason (*cough* I wash my hands and he doesn’t *cough*) I usually seem to get a much milder case of whatever bug we’re all dealing with than my husband, or sometimes don’t get it at all, leaving me to care for sick kids without any help. I know I should be grateful that I don’t usually get as sick, but being under the weather and nursing sick babies while my husband sleeps all day is hard. I usually end up completely run down, exhausted, and sometimes even depressed.

Recently, we all got the flu, and this time I did get it pretty bad. My husband was still recovering, and the baby was still sick so my mom had to come stay with us for a while … and then she got it. My husband and I talked after we were all healthy about how we could better handle a house full of sick people and, uncharacteristically, we didn’t come to a great resolution. I’m tired of not being able to get significant rest time when I’m ill and being on my own with sick kids, so I think we should rely on help from family more and also that my husband should accept that being sick as a parent isn’t the same as being sick without kids. I asked him to really consider what help he could offer me while he’s sick and volunteer it more. I also admitted that I should do a better job of asking him to work from home occasionally when I need to recover from being sick. He agreed on the last point but didn’t accept either of the first two: He thinks it’s out of line to ask family to come help us and get sick themselves and isn’t willing to commit himself to doing more when he is sick. We’re all healthy now but I’m sure the next virus is just around the corner, so who is right? How do you fairly split the work when everyone doesn’t feel good?

—We’re Not at Our Best

Dear WNaOB,

I am always thrilled to hear anyone is out there, washing their hands, which is one of the best forms of preventive “medicine” we have. This may indeed help account for the times you manage to avoid the bug entirely but can have no possible relationship to the times you just have milder symptoms than your less fortunate family members.

Every illness is different. So is what “doing more” can mean. I’m glad you are on the same page about him working from home more frequently while you are recovering; I am not sure why it hinges on you asking as opposed to him making the decision based on the situation, but if that’s what it takes, fine.

On the family question, I’m torn. I would not ask an older relative to risk the seasonal flu, if at all possible. For minor bugs, if you are extremely honest that you are floundering and need a second pair of hands and that those hands may wind up catching whatever illness the family has, people can make their own informed decision about helping.

Sometimes everyone is sick at once. One of the worst parts of being a parent is not being able to retreat to the couch with a Gatorade, regardless of how terrible you feel, because a child needs you to hold their hair back or heat up some soup. It’s a good time to rely on food delivery for a short period (if anyone actually feels like eating), and I recommend having basic sickness prep ready to roll (children’s cold medicine to bring down fevers and help with sleep, Pedialyte, extra mattress protectors under extra fresh sheets so you can just yank off the soiled top set and have a pre-made bed ready to go, etc.)

You and your husband are not going to solve for all time the “but I’M sicker when I’m sick” argument. You do need to ask for what you need and to be specific with what those needs are. “Can you please switch the laundry to the dryer? Can you load the dishwasher? Can you bring home saltines and ginger ale?” It seems as though communication in your household has become contentious and now carries the weight of grievances from Ghosts of Seasonal Flu Past. He thinks you’re telling him he’s a malingerer, you’re drowning in gross tissues, etc. Please try to strip emotion out of these interactions whenever possible. Fake it like you’re on a team until you’re actually on a team here.

Also, I hesitate to tell a grown man to wash his hands during cold and flu season, but if he hasn’t grasped the repeated and unpleasant cause and effect at play here, you have my permission to tell him a professional advice columnist thinks he’s being a real tool.

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How To Do It: I Pretended To Be Gay To A Female Friend.

2026-03-12T21:09:46Z

Posted by: cereta

Dear How to Do It,

I made a mistake. I have been very close with my friend, who’s a woman, for the past three years. I am a man, and for the most part, I’ve been able to convince her that I am gay.

At first, I just yearned for the platonic affection that only a woman can offer; nothing obscene. But now … I am enticed by her smooth skin and curves. I’ve seen her naked several times, and she’s always felt safe around me because she thinks I am gay. How can I proposition her so that she’ll forget all about my so-called gayness? Should I pretend to be bisexual? HELP!

—Cross My Heart and Hope to Die

Dear Cross My Heart and Hope to Die,

Did you consult with any media before deciding to pursue opportunistic identity impersonation? With icing on her face, Mrs. Doubtfire would have shrieked at you, “Hell noooooo!” You have placed yourself in a farce that rarely works out as intended. You purposely deceived someone in order to make a connection, and now that you have that connection, you want more. Meanwhile, your friend will end up with less. It is safe to assume that her attachment to and comfort around you are predicated on your lie. You’re asking what to say to make her forget, as if I’m a wizard who’s been holding out on revealing a magic technique for mind-editing and not just some guy sitting on his couch in Brooklyn.

Here are your options: Keep up the deception and forget any kind of romantic pursuit because to her, you are as good as gay. You will have to keep up this deception for the rest of your life and/or friendship (whichever ends first), which seems exhausting and doomed to fail. Or you can come clean and hope that she is already in love with you and has been secretly wishing that you would just turn straight already. Unless she is under love’s spell, she is likely to be angry when she finds out that you have deceived her. Since your relationship is built on a lie, you can expect the relationship to collapse once the lie is dismantled. I don’t think there’s any way around that, but at least now you know what not to do next time.

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AAM: my coworker won’t stop interfering with my service dog

2026-03-07T17:30:10Z

Posted by: petrea_mitchell

A reader writes:

I work in a cubicle office and bring a trained, medically necessary service dog named “Betty” to the office with me. I allow her to socialize with coworkers on breaks, and she is very loved in the office for how friendly and adorable she is. She also adores her coworkers and thinks everyone is her best friend.

Unfortunately, a new coworker, “Sarah,” has been repeatedly ignoring service dog boundaries with Betty over the last six months.

These boundary violations include taking Betty out of my cube while I’m on work calls or distracted, removing her leash in public work areas without asking, entering my cube without permission to interact with her, and petting her or interacting with her when I step away from my desk. This has started to impact Betty’s training as she’s now having separation anxiety behaviors when I leave in order to get attention. Sarah would respond to this behavior, which escalated it, despite being asked repeatedly not to.

Things were at their worst today when Sarah not only removed Betty’s leash but also attempted to remove her service dog gear. I asked her to stop but this didn’t work, and I had to physically push her hands away from Betty.

I have had multiple conversations with Sarah about her behavior with little success. When I point out a specific behavior, Sarah will then start doing a new one or find different ways to circumvent the boundary and continue her interactions with Betty. This appears to be a pattern with Sarah, as there are other areas where she struggles to incorporate feedback.

All my conversations with Sarah so far have been verbal and in the moment, as we are equals and I don’t feel it is my place to supervise her behavior. I did message my supervisor about the concerns when they started escalating and we had a one-on-one about it. My supervisor then spoke with Sarah’s supervisor about the issues and a one-on-one was had with Sarah about a month ago. Despite this, the behavior has not gotten better and seems to be getting worse.

I have had a previous negative experience with HR where I was blamed for not handling a verbally aggressive and threatening coworker with clearer boundaries before escalating to them. This time I want to make sure that I’m doing everything I can and should before I escalate things to HR again. I also don’t want to ruin the atmosphere of the office by cutting off all contact to Betty due to one coworker being unable to follow boundaries. What should I do in this instance to handle it professionally and not step on toes or upset HR?

– Trying to keep my working dog working

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( Plus, an update from the comments )

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Miss Manners investigates a crime

2026-03-07T17:20:50Z

Posted by: petrea_mitchell

Miss Manners: Items vanish post‑party, and list of possible culprits is down to 3. How do I proceed?

DEAR MISS MANNERS: I hosted a dinner party for 20 guests. Since a few of them smoke, I had arranged a separate room to function as a smoking room.

After the party, I discovered that a very small painting and a little sculpture were missing from the smoking room. Neither of them is really valuable, even sentimentally, but it still has left me very distraught.

There is no other way that these items could have disappeared except being taken by someone. Only three guests were ever in that room.

Now, what do I do? I have not mentioned this to anyone, since it undoubtedly would make everyone uncomfortable and lead to speculations about who took the things. I’d rather just forget about the whole thing, but if something similar happens in someone else’s home, I will feel guilty for not having said anything.

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LW isn't sure about punishment for son's inappropriate illustration

2026-03-06T05:25:59Z

Posted by: firebatvillain

Dear Care and Feeding,

Two weeks ago my wife and I received a call from the school our 10-year-old son, “Josh” attends. Apparently, Josh was angry with his teacher, “Mrs. Smith,” after he was kept in from recess for playing with his phone during class. So he drew a picture.

The drawing was of his teacher in a compromising position with a dog. It circulated among the students, one of whom ultimately ratted him out. We had to attend a conference with Mrs. Smith and the principal, and Josh ended up with a week’s suspension. He’s been grounded for the next month, but his best friend’s birthday falls during that time period. My wife thinks he should be made to skip the party. I think that’s excessive and punishes not only Josh, but his friend as well and we’ve been at odds over it since. I don’t think making an exception will diminish the lesson we are trying to teach Josh about his behavior. Thoughts?

—Doodle Debacle
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agonyaunt @ 2026-02-21T15:51:00

2026-02-22T03:47:54Z

Posted by: conuly

My daughter “Melody” is in the midst of the terrible twos. Five or more meltdowns per day over normal frustrations/limits are typical. Recently, my mother-in-law, “Darlene” took Melody and my 6-year-old son out to run errands, and true to form, Melody had a blow-up. It was how Darlene handled it that has me seeing red. She told Melody that she was leaving her in the store and that she could find her own way home, and left her screaming on the floor! She then moved off with my son, out of my daughter’s view, and waited for several minutes before coming back for her. I only learned of this later when my son told me what happened.

When I confronted my mother-in-law, she claimed her method was helpful because Melody behaved afterward. And she said Melody was “never in any danger” because she kept her in sight at all times. After this, I no longer feel safe with Darlene going places with the kids without my husband present or me. Sadly, my husband is no help. He agrees that this was a good “lesson” in behaving for our daughter and that his mother used to do it to him and his sister when they were kids! Please tell me I’m right in telling Darlene her days of taking the kids solo are over.
—Pissed

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