Agony Aunt

Carolyn Hax readers: I try!! But can’t pronounce brother’s boyfriend’s name.

2026-06-03T15:57:41Z

Posted by: petrea_mitchell

Dear Carolyn: My brother is about six months into a new relationship with a guy he really likes and says he can see the relationship heading to marriage. He seems really happy.
I cannot pronounce the new boyfriend’s name. Well, more precisely, I cannot hear the difference. His name is Crag. Evidently, I pronounce it as Craig. I cannot hear the difference. I have tried 9 million times to hear the difference, and I fail every time.

My brother or Crag will say the name, and I repeat it back and it is wrong. This is not for lack of trying. I speak two other languages in addition to English, and I do have some words in other languages that I avoid because I just cannot replicate the sound. Each and every time I say the boyfriend’s name, he corrects me. I will use work-arounds (e.g. are you (plural) going to the game? vs. Are you and Crag going to the game?), and the boyfriend will point out that I’ve just avoided his name. Are you kidding me? Come on.

My brother is my only sibling, and we are very close. I cannot imagine a world in which I don’t get along with or like his boyfriend, but this name thing is really wearing me down.

— Name Game

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[Ask a Manager] my coworkers keep asking about my weight loss — and it’s not good news

2026-06-02T17:19:44Z

Posted by: magid

( weight-loss )

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agonyaunt @ 2026-05-27T08:42:00

2026-05-27T12:44:05Z

Posted by: conuly

Dear Annie: My 15-year-old daughter and I used to be extremely close. She was the kind of child who would climb into the car after school and tell me everything before I even pulled out of the parking lot: who sat with whom at lunch, what her teacher said, which friend was mad at which friend and what song everyone was listening to that week.

Now, I feel like I am living with a very fashionable attorney who cross-examines everything I say.

If I ask how school was, she says, "Fine," in a tone that makes it clear the conversation is over. If I ask whether she has homework, she says I do not trust her. If I remind her to bring a sweatshirt, she tells me I am treating her like a baby. If I say nothing at all, she asks why I am "being weird."

Last week, I made her favorite dinner, hoping we could have a nice evening. She came downstairs wearing headphones, picked at her food and answered every question with one word. When I gently asked if something was wrong, she snapped that I was always "making everything a big deal." Then she went upstairs, closed her door and laughed on FaceTime with her friends for an hour.

The part that stings is that she still seems like herself with everyone else. Her teachers tell me she is polite and funny. Her friends' parents say she is a joy to have over. But at home, I seem to get the eye rolls, the sighs and the door-slamming version of her.

I know teenagers need independence. I know I should not take every mood personally. But I miss my daughter. I miss the girl who used to sit on my bed and tell me long, dramatic stories about nothing. I miss being the person she came to first, not the person she pushes away.

I do not want to smother her, lecture her or turn every conversation into a battle. But I also do not want to give up trying to connect. How do I stay close to a teenager who acts like my love is an inconvenience? -- Missing My Little Girl

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Two contrasting letters to Annie...

2026-05-27T12:31:24Z

Posted by: conuly

1. Dear Annie: My 19-year-old daughter -- she'll be 20 in July -- is a sophomore at Charleston College. She came home for spring break and informed my husband and me that she had found her soul mate at Charleston, and they plan to marry this summer. He's 24 and a graduate student teaching English.

She wants to go back to school in the fall as husband and wife. How they plan to support themselves we have no idea. Should we try to talk her out if it? We've already told her we think it's a mistake. -- Disapproving

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***********

2. Dear Annie: I was doing some spring cleaning and found some receipts in the pockets of one of my husband's sports coats for some large purchases for his sports memorabilia collection, to the tune of $5,000 to $20,000 each. I was in shock. I don't have a problem with supporting him and his hobbies, but he should have discussed it with me first, correct? What should I do? -- Dumbfounded

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agonyaunt @ 2026-05-25T21:33:00

2026-05-26T01:35:06Z

Posted by: conuly

Dear Care and Feeding,

I have a strict no-sugar policy for my two kids, “Tiffany,” 4, and “Tyson,” 6 outside of special occasions. The trouble is that my husband’s parents have been violating it. They watch our kids along with their cousins (3 and 5) while we all work during the week. I recently learned that my in-laws take the kids out for ice cream on Mondays and Fridays in addition to allowing graham crackers as snacks. I am furious that they would breach my trust like this. My husband is no help; he says that it’s a small price to pay for free childcare and that he and his siblings grew up eating treats and they turned out fine. I say they need to adhere to my rules. Please tell me I’m right.

—Scandal

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agonyaunt @ 2026-05-25T11:07:00

2026-05-25T15:08:42Z

Posted by: conuly

Dear Prudence,

My daughter, “Sarah,” is 28. She is independent and lives about six hours away with a roommate and her dog. She tells me she’s generally happy, though sometimes a bit lonely, and tends to stay home when she’s not working.

I’m concerned about her health and overall well-being. Sarah is significantly overweight, and although she says she’s happy as she is, I worry that her weight may be affecting important areas of her life—her health, her career, and her relationships. She struggles with depression and takes antidepressants, but has resisted therapy. She also has some medical issues that may be related to her weight, though I no longer have full visibility into her health.

She is a beautiful person, yet she doesn’t date. It’s not for lack of interest. She has shared that she would like a relationship, but isn’t being asked out. Professionally, she has been in her field for six years without advancement and is currently working part-time, even though full-time roles are available. I can’t help but wonder whether bias against heavier individuals may be playing a role. I’ve always tried to model healthy habits. I’ve had my own health struggles in recent years and gained weight, but I’ve since lost 30 pounds through exercise and medication, which has significantly improved both my health and self-confidence. I’ve gently suggested she explore similar options, but she’s not interested.

I understand that she is an adult and that ultimately these decisions are hers. Still, it’s very hard to watch from the sidelines as I worry about her long-term health and happiness. Each time I visit, she seems to have gained more weight, and I’m afraid of the path this could lead her down. I don’t want to damage our relationship by pushing too hard, but I also don’t want to ignore something that feels so serious. Is there any constructive way I can support her, or is stepping back truly the best I can do?

—A Concerned Mother

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Social Q's: As a Sober Person, How Should I Serve Alcohol to Friends at Dinner Parties?

2026-05-19T19:26:56Z

Posted by: katiedid717

I have been sober for one year after many decades of heavy drinking. By now, I am somewhat comfortable being around others when they drink. I also enjoy entertaining friends in my apartment, but I no longer maintain a well-stocked bar, nor do I wish to. So, what should I do about dinner parties? I want to be a gracious host, but I don’t want to offer a full range of alcoholic beverages to my guests. Should I ask them in advance what they want to drink and stock it? (That seems a bit intense.) Should I buy a bottle each of red and white wine and hope that suffices? (That seems stingy.) Or should I tell my guests that dinner is a “bring your own bottle” occasion? (That seems ungenerous.) Help!

SOBER

First, let me commend you on your sobriety. Making meaningful and positive change after decades of habitual behavior is a big achievement. Well done! So, making note of your phrase (you write that you are “somewhat comfortable” being around drinking), and keeping the relative stakes in mind — protecting your sobriety versus giving a dinner party — I suggest that you hold off serving booze for now. Your sobriety is still relatively new, and it is more important to safeguard it than it is to serve alcohol to friends.

You don’t mention whether you attend a support group for people in recovery. But dropping into a meeting to speak with others who have lived through experiences similar to yours would probably be helpful. They can’t make this decision for you, but hearing their suggestions may help you make a better decision for yourself. I have watched friends in recovery struggle with alcohol that is left over at the end of the evening — as well as with the temptation to join guests in drinking during dinner.

I also suggest that you rethink what makes a good host. For many decades, that probably entailed serving alcohol to your guests. But really, the act of welcoming friends into your home for a meal — and perhaps a nonalcoholic beer or cocktail — is more than enough. No one needs to drink at every meal, and your friends don’t need you to serve them alcohol to feel valued by you.

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agonyaunt @ 2026-05-13T08:40:00

2026-05-13T12:44:58Z

Posted by: conuly

Dear Eric: I strongly dislike tattoos, as does everyone in my immediate family. I can't fathom why anybody would want to ruin their skin and risk infections. I was hoping this fad would die and fade away like indoor smoking in a restaurant.

I can hardly bear to eat out anymore at just the sickening thought that someone with tattoos would be cooking, preparing or serving the food and taking out all the enjoyment for me. I know it's a personal choice, but why would anyone be proud to show them off like a really ugly piece of art on an ugly or aging body? Beats me. I don’t know what to do about this.

– Ink Free

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agonyaunt @ 2026-05-12T18:15:00

2026-05-12T22:18:43Z

Posted by: conuly

Dear Eric: When my family's children were young, they mostly traveled the 200 miles to visit for holidays. Now the children are older, and have jobs, friends et cetera. The parents now seem to expect us to do the traveling. We are in our late 70s, and this is getting harder to do.

The change in beds, food, schedules and houses put a toll on our physical body that takes days to recover. This seems hard for them to understand as they haven’t reached this stage.

We now are faced with missing holidays with them to comply with their demands. I have faced the possibility of loneliness that older people seemingly endure nowadays. Is there an answer to this problem or must I endure pain and trauma to see family in older age?

– Sad, Lonely and In Pain

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Social Q's: One Day, It May Be a Yes

2026-05-12T16:07:29Z

Posted by: katiedid717

I am a social person. But increasingly, I have little time to socialize. I have two young children and a demanding job. Still, some friends text me frequently, even though I reply concisely and keep refusing their kind invitations. Should I be firmer — maybe start ignoring texts?
BUSY MOM

I once had a boss who, like you, was a busy working mother. She taught me a valuable lesson for managing social interactions on text and email: Do not become hostage to your phone or feel compelled to respond to every message as it arrives. Once or twice a day, spend 15 or 20 minutes responding to all of them — and don’t worry about them again until the next time. It beats telling friends to stop texting.

EDIT: LW provided more info in the comments

I am Busy Mom, LW #4. I just want to clarify something.

In my email to Philip, I used the word "acquaintances," not "friend." The texts I am referring to are from former coworkers, parents of my kids' old friends who now attend different schools, etc. - people I really don't know very well.

I know I should count my blessings, and I do appreciate that people are reaching out, but I truly feel overwhelmed by the number of texts I get from these acquaintances. There are a few former co-workers who text me all the time just to chat and "stay in touch," and I truly do not have as much time for them as they have for me. I'm genuinely wondering if it's better to "ghost" them and stop replying, or to say I don't have the capacity right now.

I'm not sure if other young(ish) parents can relate, but parenting right now feels like a constant barrage of communications - medical appointment reminders, school and after-school emails, parent chat groups, parent-teacher meeting updates, mom WhatsApp groups, neighborhood Signal chats, school log-in systems with updates from teachers, I am completely and utterly overwhelmed with information overload. I get so much textual messaging across so many different platforms, it honestly stresses me out, and I can't keep track of everything.

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LW does not have an inlaw problem, she has a husband problem

2026-04-26T02:55:10Z

Posted by: conuly

Dear Annie: I have been married for 12 years to a good man whom I love very much, but I dread nearly every holiday, birthday dinner and casual Sunday visit with his family. On the surface, my in-laws are charming, polished and the sort of people everyone else describes as "so nice." But behind that polished exterior is a steady drip of cutting remarks aimed almost entirely at me.

My mother-in-law has a talent for delivering insults with a smile. She will look at a meal I brought and say, "Well, that's certainly ... rustic," or ask whether I am "still doing that little job of yours," even though I work full time and do quite well. My father-in-law joins in with jokes about how their son "used to eat better before marriage" or how I have "modern ideas" whenever I disagree with them about anything from parenting to politics to how often we should visit.

The comments are always subtle enough that if I react, I look oversensitive. But after years of this, I feel like I am being pecked to death by very well-dressed chickens.

What hurts most is that my husband says, "That's just how they are," and urges me to ignore it to keep the peace. But there is no peace for me. I leave these gatherings replaying every jab in my head for days.

How do I tell my in-laws to stop without blowing up the family? And how do I get my husband to understand that "just ignore it" is not a strategy, it is surrender? -- Bruised by Politeness

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LW should've sent this one to Ask a Manager

2026-04-26T02:50:23Z

Posted by: conuly

DEAR ABBY: I'm struggling with what to do about my first job out of college. I've been here for four months, and while I expected a learning curve, I didn't expect the environment to feel so hostile. My boss yells at me across the office for small, easily fixable mistakes. The latest incident involved her slamming her hands on the table several times and shouting, "What are you talking about?" while I was trying to clarify a question. I couldn't even get my words out.

I'm in the second round of interviews for another job with a different company, and I'm torn about what to do. My parents think I should stick it out to avoid being seen as a job hopper. But I feel anxious going into work every day. This environment is eroding my confidence.

Furthermore, I will be moving to a new town with my fiance next year, so I'm wondering if it's smarter to stay for another several months or take the new job (which will be remote, if I get it) even though I'm worried I might not like that one either.

Am I too sensitive? Should I leave a job this quickly, or push through until my move? How do I make the right decision when I feel guilty no matter what I choose? -- CONFLICTED IN NEBRASKA

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agonyaunt @ 2026-04-23T23:00:00

2026-04-24T03:01:08Z

Posted by: conuly

DEAR ABBY: I have conflicting feelings regarding Valentine's Day. I believe it is a celebration for couples rather than co-workers. My husband's office staff (eight young women under the age of 30) insist on celebrating Valentine's Day with decorations on all office doors, complete with hearts and cupids. They have a catered lunch with specialty treats of chocolate-covered strawberries, fudge hearts and the customary heart candies that read "Be Mine," "I Love You", etc.

My husband has been with this company for 30 years, and we've been together for 15 of them, but this Valentine's Day celebration began only four years ago. I am 65 and have worked 20-plus years for a Fortune 500 corporate office and NEVER has Valentine's Day been celebrated in the office. Christmas, yes. Fourth of July, yes. But Valentine's Day? Am I just old and cranky? This has been a source of contention between my husband and me since it began. -- NOT LOVIN' THAT IN TEXAS

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agonyaunt @ 2026-04-23T22:48:00

2026-04-24T02:52:39Z

Posted by: conuly

( Cut for queerphobia )

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Miss Manners: They invited me to brunch at their freezing mansion

2026-04-16T02:55:22Z

Posted by: med_cat

Greetings, everyone! I have been enjoying reading the entries and discussion in this community, and came upon this article today that I thought I'd share:
~~~
Link: wapo.st/4csfhDU

Dear Miss Manners:

I was invited to a brunch as the only guest. The hosts live in a 6,000-square-foot mansion, of which all of the rooms could be photographed for a slick architectural magazine.

Brunch was delicious, but the rub of the situation was that the house was 54 degrees in temperature, and it was 15 degrees outside.

I am on blood thinners and I am very cognizant of cold. When I inquired if they were having heating issues, the reply was that the house is too expensive to warm up to 68 degrees, and that they do not like large gas bills.( Read more... )

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Why Tho: Can we leave out the horrible kid?

2026-04-14T21:27:10Z

Posted by: petrea_mitchell

Actual headline: Why Tho: My birthday kid wants to invite everyone in class to his party - but not this 1 boy

Dear Lizzy,

My son is in third grade, and his birthday is coming up. He’s told me he wants to invite his whole class to his party (at a park) except for one kid.

This kid is a menace, if I am honest. He breaks things in class and yells and hits. He is actually quite mean to my son. I want to respect my son’s wishes here, but is it fair to invite everyone except him?

To Exclude or Not to Exclude

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AAM: the office with the cardboard coworker, part 2

2026-04-06T19:31:33Z

Posted by: petrea_mitchell

A sequel to AAM: how do we hire people who won’t be alarmed by our cardboard coworker?.

Thank you for responding to my letter. After reading the response and comments, I realized that the alien orgasm example drew more attention than I expected, even though I had meant it as one particularly bad example rather than the main issue itself. I wanted to add a little more context and clarify a few points.

The alien orgasm example was an outlier, and one of the worst examples I could remember, which is why I used it. The “alien anatomy” discussion was also less about sex itself than about whether extraterrestrials would experience pleasure or physical sensation the same way humans do, especially if they did not even have bodies like ours. I understand that it was still inappropriate, but some commenters seemed to come away with the impression that sex is a regular topic in the office, and that is not really the case.

A more typical version of these conversations would be discussions about books, movies, and TV shows. We have had conversations like which horror movie character was so stupid that you actively rooted for their death. We have also had conversations like which politician you would “make disappear” if you could get away with it, but when someone pointed out that it was inappropriate, the conversation moved on without any fuss. In general, the conversations tend to get strange in a morbid way rather than in a sexualized one. That is still a problem, of course, just not quite the same one some people focused on.

The office betting pool is less about hostility toward specific celebrities and more about the kind of morbid joking people make about public figures who seem as though they have been old forever. The attitude is usually more “I cannot believe this person is still alive” than “I want this person to die.” Similarly, the “scandals” people talk about are usually things like cheating, wearing something provocative, or being rude to a fan, rather than actual criminal behavior. I do not participate in the betting pool because I would feel too guilty winning a paid day off by correctly guessing someone’s death, but people do sometimes mention their picks during lunch.

I mentioned lunch because that is usually when the conversations can get strange. Most of our work requires concentration, so there is not much chatting during the day, and many people wear headphones most of the time. Team lunches also really are optional. We are a small team inside a large company, so the whole team does not eat together every day, but there are usually six to eight people having lunch together, even if it is not always the same group.

I described cardboard Robert as the strangest part because all the other things are occasional, and lunch itself is optional. Some people never have lunch with the team, and that is completely fine. But Robert is there every day, sitting at a desk and being greeted. It took me about two months to find out there was a death pool, and some time before I heard one of the more inappropriate lunch conversations, but I was introduced to Robert on my first day. My manager even told the team to act normal during my first week so they would not scare me off. The monthly “hunt” for Robert is optional and avoidable, but comments about him happen every day, and new employees are introduced to him as though he is simply part of the team.

In your response, it seemed as though my letter came across as asking, “How can we change our culture so people don’t feel this is a sexualized environment?” I can understand why, given the example I used, but the help I was really hoping for was a little different. What I was trying to ask was something more like, “How can I help my manager hire someone who is likely to fit in here, while also giving candidates a fair sense of what the office is like, so neither side feels misled?” Someone suggested inviting candidates to join a typical team lunch, and that was much closer to the kind of suggestion I had been hoping for.

I also appreciated your point that inappropriate conversations are inappropriate no matter when they happen. I do know that, and I think at least part of the team knows it too, given the ongoing joke that there is probably a reason our room is physically as far from HR as possible. But I am not a manager, and honestly I do not want to be one. My manager decided that because I was the most recent hire, I was the right person to help her think through this, even though I do not really have the authority or the tools to change how the team operates. I will pass these points along to her, but I do not think much would change without rebuilding the team almost from scratch.

To be clear, I do understand why these things are a problem. I am not trying to defend them or suggest that people are wrong for not wanting to work here. I just wanted to provide more context so I could get advice that was more specific to the situation I was actually asking about. Some of the comments were genuinely helpful, and I was hoping that with a better explanation I might get more of that. But if the answer is still simply that the culture needs to change, I do understand that, and I appreciate your response anyway.

Sincerely,
The Person with the Cardboard Coworker

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agonyaunt @ 2026-04-02T12:05:00

2026-04-02T16:28:17Z

Posted by: conuly

DEAR HARRIETTE: I am an openly gay and rather feminine man from the Midwest currently enrolled at college in New York City. Over the weekend, my college friends and I went out with some guys they know from another college upstate. The entire night, the men they brought were making microaggressions and homophobic remarks that made me feel like I was back in high school in the Midwest. When talking about the night with my friends, I felt like I was sucking joy out of the room and robbing them of their experiences. I don't want my negative experiences to hinder theirs; however, I do want them to know how the men made me feel. I don't know how to navigate this situation. Harriette, what do you think I should do? -- Awkward Encounter

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Our Youngest Child Has Cut Ties With Our Family. Help!

2026-03-25T18:06:22Z

Posted by: magid

From today’s NY Times, in the weekly Social Q’s column.

Our youngest, who is 37 and uses they/them pronouns, has a long history of psychological problems. They sent a text informing us that they no longer want to interact with family members, and that if we want to meet with them, they require an advocate to be present. This child lives in our second home. They don’t pay rent, but they have a job that covers food and health insurance costs. We’re not sure what caused the break. They had a very bad interaction with our son, and we asked them to work it out themselves. But our son wants nothing to do with his sibling, and my husband wants to stop communicating with them, too. He says they are toxic. I am heartbroken. What should I do?

MOTHER

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agonyaunt @ 2026-03-24T14:53:00

2026-03-24T18:55:00Z

Posted by: conuly

Dear Pay Dirt,
My husband and I are fortunate enough to be homeowners with pretty good credit. We get credit card and loan offers in the mail all the time. I’ve been trying to declutter our house, and junk mail is a big issue. Everything goes on the entry way table and its always overflowing. I set up a recycle bin in the entry way for just such physical spam, but my husband won’t use it because he says we have to SHRED all those offers, and our shredder is not big enough to deal with all the constant clutter! Also, the shredder is in his office, and he only gets to it every other month or so, so the workflow doesn’t keep up.

I know that’s the best, most secure way to deal with junk. But really, our recycle bin is kept in the garage until the night before the garbage is collected., then we roll it out to the curb. We always put other recycling on top of the mail.

Is it really that dangerous to just toss those mailers as is? Maybe tear them up by hand first? Please help!
—Drowning in Junk Mail

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My Sister’s Husband Is Agreeing to Things No Straight Man Would. It’s a Sign.

2026-03-24T18:47:45Z

Posted by: conuly

Dear How to Do It,
I’m an 18-year-old guy, and I’ve recently had to move in with my older sister and her husband. My brother-in-law, “Kenneth,” is honestly the most amazing guy I’ve ever met. He’s kind, funny, and built like a Greek god. He’s also super traditional and religious, which is part of why I’m so confused.
Lately, I feel like there’s this insane sexual tension between us. He walks around the house in just sweatpants with no underwear, and the bulge is so obvious. I feel like he has to know what he’s doing. Today, he was working out shirtless, and I asked if I could just sit and watch. He said yes, no questions asked, and worked out for a full hour. He was lifting weights and flexing right in front of me.

To me, this is a clear sign. A straight guy wouldn’t let another guy just watch him work out, would he? He has to be into it. But he’s also my sister’s husband, and he’s super religious, so it’s all so complicated. I’m starting to think about ways to make a move, to show him I’m interested. I’m convinced he wants it too. My question is: Am I right? Is he giving me signals, or am I imagining this?
—Confused and Craving

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agonyaunt @ 2026-03-20T04:22:00

2026-03-20T08:24:22Z

Posted by: conuly

Dear Carolyn: My friends think I’m stupid. I’m a high school junior, and I go to a highly academically competitive school, where it is expected by my peers that you are supposed to take at least three AP classes. My closest friends are taking five. They are constantly stressed, overworked and burned out. My peers believe the only way to get into a “good” college (whatever that means) is to take as many AP classes as possible and to get the highest SAT score as possible. This, I know, is ridiculous on so many levels, but I stay out of it.

Lately, however, my friends have been shaming me for only taking one AP class, and for taking one standardized test vs. the other. I am going to college for musical theater, and admissions for those programs rely primarily on auditions, not grades. So why on earth would I put myself through so much stress if it won’t affect my college admissions? I’ve tried to explain this to my friends, but they think they know better than I. Additionally, they equate my taking only one AP class with being stupid. In the AP class I do take, my friend consistently shuts down and mocks my ideas with her other friends.

I’ve tried to mention the reasons I don’t take too many hard classes, but it’s like talking to a wall. I’ve also explained that since I was diagnosed with ADHD a year ago, I am now more aware of what I can handle. When all else failed, I even mentioned once that I have an IQ of 135 (tested when I was diagnosed with ADHD). I am actually quite smart. My friends stared at me and said, “Yeah… I think they lied to you.”

This hurts my feelings and happens so often that I’ve even started to believe I am stupid, despite all evidence to the contrary. Now I’ve started subconsciously playing into the “token dumb friend” stereotype because that is all I’m surrounded with. Should I not respond and ignore it?
— Stupidly Smart

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AAM: how do we hire people who won’t be alarmed by our cardboard coworker?

2026-03-18T17:47:27Z

Posted by: petrea_mitchell

A reader writes:

Recently my manager asked me to help revise a job posting and the hiring process because the last two people we hired left only a few weeks after starting. One said she didn’t think our workplace had a professional environment, and the other said she realized her values didn’t align with the company. Since I’m the most recent successful hire, my manager wants me to help her understand what was different about how I was selected.

You’re probably assuming my workplace must be toxic or terrible, but honestly it’s the most fun place I’ve ever worked, and that might actually be the problem. Nothing about it fits the usual idea of a bad workplace, but it is definitely … peculiar.

People often eat lunch together. Not everyone every day, but a few times a week most of us end up eating with coworkers. (Not everyone participates. The person who splits tasks with me says she already sees us enough at the office and never joins us, and no one minds.) Lunch is where most of the unusual things happen.

One employee created a betting sheet for which celebrity will be the next to die or get involved in a scandal. You can add one name per month, and if you guess correctly you win a day off. It sounds worse written down than it actually feels, but the people who participate genuinely enjoy it.

Lunch conversations can also drift into very unprofessional territory. The week one employee resigned, the lunch debate was whether extraterrestrials are capable of orgasms. That discussion lasted more than one lunch break because people kept proposing different possible alien anatomies.

But the least professional thing we do might be the cardboard figure sitting at a desk named Robert. Robert has been part of the company culture long before I joined. The story behind him is about a former employee who would arrive, greet everyone, and then disappear until it was time to go home. No one ever knew where Robert was, and whenever someone needed him they couldn’t find him, but the work always appeared completed.

One day the company needed a team photo, and someone grabbed a cardboard box, drew a face on it, added a badge, and included “Robert” in the picture. After the real Robert retired, the box eventually evolved into a full cardboard cutout that now sits at its own desk.

At the end of each month we usually have less work, and there’s a game where someone hides Robert somewhere in the company and everyone searches for him. At the end, everyone gets candy. Not everyone actively participates, one person keeps a map coordinating where Robert hasn’t been searched for yet, some people give suggestions, and others don’t care about the game, but no one objects to it except HR did ban hiding Robert in the interview room and the public-facing areas.

Both employees who resigned witnessed a “Find Robert” search. They didn’t mention it specifically, but I imagine it might have contributed to their impression that the environment wasn’t professional.

My manager wants help finding people who would think these things are funny rather than strange, and she asked how I felt when I started. I happened to begin (luckily or unluckily) when people were decorating Robert with a heart-pattern tie and a box of bonbons while discussing what kind of box Robert would like as a girlfriend. I thought it was weird in a funny way, and it didn’t bother me enough to reconsider the job.

Outside of lunch and the occasional Robert hunt, people are actually very professional during working hours, aside from occasionally greeting the cardboard coworker or decorating him for holidays. We’re a very productive and inclusive team, but I understand how it might seem strange to someone seeing it for the first time.

I honestly don’t know how to help my manager find competent people who would be comfortable with this environment. The person who interviewed me said the team was laid-back, but that definitely didn’t prepare me for what the office is actually like.

Someone suggested hiding Robert for a while, but wouldn’t it be better for new hires to know what they’re getting into? How could we find people who would feel comfortable discussing whether the aliens from Arrival understand sex and also think it’s perfectly normal to greet a cardboard coworker?

I realize your answer might be that our company isn’t the wonderful place I think it is and that we should behave more professionally. But considering that our CEO once hid Robert in his own office during one of the searches, I don’t think the culture will change. (Still, feel free to say so if that’s your view, sometimes an outside perspective is very different.) I’m mainly looking for ideas on how to select people who would actually find this kind of thing fun rather than uncomfortable.

( Cardboard Guy might not be the problem )

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agonyaunt @ 2026-03-18T10:20:00

2026-03-18T14:21:41Z

Posted by: conuly

Dear Prudence,

I’m a 21-year-old college student living in a house with five other students. There are three women and three men. We’re having an issue keeping our kitchen clean, and I am the only one who consistently cleans. I keep the floors and counters clean, wash the piles of dishes in the sink, wash dish towels, etc. Anytime I’ve asked people to chip in, they never follow through. I’ve tried not doing the cleaning, but then the kitchen gets disgusting and I end up caving.

I’m not completely innocent when it comes to not always washing my dishes immediately and being messy, but I feel like I clean more often than anyone else. A general chore chart doesn’t work, and I am tired of feeling like my roommate’s mother. How can I get them to take some initiative and do more of the heavy lifting that always falls on me?

—Not a Mother to Five at 21

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agonyaunt @ 2026-03-17T15:05:00

2026-03-17T19:15:15Z

Posted by: conuly

DEAR HARRIETTE: I've recently gone sober for health reasons, and it wasn't an easy decision, especially because my social life has always involved going out for drinks, celebrating with cocktails and bonding over happy hour. When my friends and I went out last weekend, they were pressuring me to drink. I ordered a mocktail, and almost immediately, my friends started to laugh and said that it would be fine to just have one drink. This surprised me because I never thought that my friends would try to force me to do something that would actively have a negative effect on my health. It made me feel unsupported and, frankly, disrespected. At the same time, I don't want to lose my friendships or isolate myself socially just because I'm choosing not to drink. Now I'm anxious about future outings. I don't want every dinner or celebration to turn into a debate about my personal choices. How should I talk to my friends about setting boundaries without making things awkward? -- Sober

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